January 17, 2016
Sometimes it feels like I'm ready to say goodbye to you. Sometimes I feel strong and steady and my backbone is rigid and my eyes finally stay dry. But then I'll see your face again or feel your lips against my forehead and I'm reminded of all the things I shared with you, how much of me rested with you. I'll find myself replaying old memories of us sharing cigarette smoke and how you laughed and I'll feel my knees buckle. I told myself from the get go that this was not permanent, and I believed I was okay with that. I never once thought we would be eternal but I wont lie and say that the thought of a life without you in it doesn't make me tremble. These next few weeks, hardly even months, will feel like nothing but a time bomb ticking away the few moments I have left with you. I can feel my chest constricting with every numbered breath and I wonder how you feel. I wonder if this will hurt you at all. A part of me hopes you will be perfectly fine and that you never felt that strongly for me to begin with, a part of me that wants you to be happy and satisfied and would never want to see you hurt. But another piece of me wants you to feel enough of what I feel so that you will not so easily forget me. I want to have meant something to you. There must have been something in the two years of companionship that touched somewhere in you. I don't want to be a face without a name, I want to be the whisper you hear in your dreams. I don't want you to think about me months and months from now and feel bitterness, I just want you to remember me. Because god, I will remember you. You found some tenderness inside me that I didn't know existed. You helped me become. And I think I've realized that no matter how this ends, I will miss you, and I will always be grateful for you. Love is a silly, stupid thing, but I'm happy to have shared some small piece of it with you.
this is a month old, and I did finally say goodbye to her. it still hurts.