Fumbling through drawers
At that distinct, cold feel  
We need to wake the hats and gloves
For the Winters sharp chill  

As I try to pull on your hat
I realise how you've grown
And my heart starts to ache
Like I've never known

My little boy is growing up
And as you laugh at the size
Of the silly small hat
And the tears in my eyes  

I wonder
With both fear and joy
How long until
You are no longer a little boy

Running through the nursery door
The loss tugs on my heart once more
I smile, I know that you'll have fun
It's me that is the lonely one
On the train I think of you
Your smile, your laugh, it gets me through
Through the day, although work distracts
It doesn't take away that fact
Your are a constant in my brain
I check my mobile once again
I wonder what you've had for tea
I wonder if you think of me
And then it's time, the homeward trip
Oh, my heart, it does a little flip
As I see you coming, arms open wide
My little boy, my joy, my pride

Relaxing on the hotel terrace
Absorbing the gentle dusk breeze
I glance across the manicured field
To the ever darkening trees
Then something catches my wandering eye
Making my whole body freeze
It cannot be true, I swear I can see you
At the tree line, down on your knees

Is it the wine, or a trick of my mind
Conjuring up your ghost
Or is it the stale lack of closure
From the person that frightened me most
I reach out, feeling dizzy with fear
And steady myself on a post
Blink several times and focus again
On my illusory, beckoning host

Our time together was painful
Your passion was bruised and blue
Your threats and punches disguised
In a love you declared as true
When I finally found the courage
To run for a life anew
You followed and tried to take
My spirit, though long had it flew

And now it is many years later
I thought I had broken free
From the tears, unwarranted guilt
Of whether the fault lay with me
Yet here you seem to appear again
Your arms reach out imploringly
It seems you are trying to call
Your mouth forms an unspoken plea

I rise, turn and start to walk away
I know this is all in my head
I've had too much wine, too much time to reflect
On things been and gone, once said
And as I depart, back into the bar
Off to safety and warmth of my bed
I receive a text, of a car accident
Announcing that you are now dead

My husband sits for days on end,
Staring through his empty friend,
My tearful words fall alone,
His mind resides in combat zone,

A man replaced by shell so cold,
Numbed by scars of war untold,
Violent dreams lived each night,
Lashing out, at all in sight,

He returns to war inside his head,
Trauma stained by all bloodshed,
A trigger pulled, his mind released,
Begging for, all thoughts to cease,

His scars remain, but can't be seen,
Buried deep inside his dreams,
Years of therapy, will help him free,
From the damaging effects..
.. of Post Traumatic Stress

I pray for the day, he's finally home,
So the trauma of war, can leave us alone.

My heart squeezed tight when I got the call
I'd not prepared myself at all
The journey seemed so painfully slow
Allowing fear to gradually grow
Greeted by that clinic smell
A silent bell began to knell
My shock I could not keep inside
At how you'd changed, oh how I cried
You looked so gaunt, so pale, so thin
It angered me that it should win
The cancer that you'd fought so hard
About to have the final word
Yet still you smiled, your eyes awake
The sparkle that it could not take
You held my hand and in my ear
A whisper, glad that I was here
Never will I forget your face
Changed, another in your place
Never can I forget that day
Your face so drawn, your skin so grey
I hope, I yearn, I wish, I pray
The memory will fade away
And every time I think of you
The happier times come breaking through

Taken from the book Breakfast Bites, and published in the Anthology "A Day in Time"

I retreat inside  
In expectation of guilt
Won't look in your eyes

No conversation
Until the day that it must
Be said, unburdened

And then will cry
From guilt, shame or just sadness
But not for lost love

Every morning
At 6.35 am
I defrost the car
Then drive home
With numb fingers
And icy breath
Eyes heavy
Heart heavy
And chilled to the bone
I pull in the drive
And then shiver again
As I lock the car
But a smile
Tugs at my lips
And a warmth
Scratches at the chill
As the chirrup
Of the blackbird
That welcomes me
Every day
Once again
Serenades me
Into my home