I'm afraid
no, I'm terrified

terrified of a world where you get to stare
into the paradise
that is your eyes
as often as i do

that you get to see the sunlight
create a glimmer reminiscent of
the shine of a diamond
as it bounces off your smile

that you see more than the curves
in your gluteus
that you learn that you're beautiful
& get used to it

that you learn the patterns
of the palms of your hands
& notice how the constellations
pale in comparison to their beauty

cause to be honest

i'm petrified
petrified by the thought that
one day
you'll learn to adore yourself
as much as i adore you

& realize that you deserve better.

I've fallen
fallen badly
to be honest
I'm hooked on you

infatuations a lot more of a dangerous drug
than you'd think

you said we'd never be
that you were broken
I want to fix you
but I'm not quite sure I can
I'm not sure my clumsy hands
can handle your fragile heart
held together by only the faintest hope
that maybe true love does exist

I wanna tell you that I
adore you
but I won't take the chance
cause I'm terrified
of your random nonchalance

you told me I was your world
but how was I meant to feel special
when you bounce from world to world
like some 21st century space traveling Columbus

I was always told myself I was in love with
you
but as of lately
I've come to realize
I was less in love with you
& more in love with the dismal idea
of being part of an "us"

I guess
that I've learnt
that it's only from the shards of a broken heart
that we learn the dangers of infatuation

I will regret this in the morning
but I will do it anyway
my impulsivity often overpowers my conscience
yet I am almost always fully aware
of the decisions I make
and their consequences
I am not exactly mentally stable
but I am sane enough
to know right from wrong
yesterday from today
love from lust
although sometimes I mix them up
I have a tendency to lunge at any pair of arms that open for me
my mind and body often disagree
my body saying yes to eager hands
my mind saying no
constantly looking towards my heart
thinking how stupid one must be
to fall repeatedly
get hurt every single time
and still manage to do the same
over
and over
again
I wonder
how many times I will have to hit the ground
in order to learn to stop falling face first?
I often say things
that should be left unsaid
I often do things
that should not be done
sleep in beds unfamiliar
make believe love to strangers
get to know people who will not remember me tomorrow
I am gone as quickly as the hangover
I can be washed off the tongue
just as quickly as the liquor
I often believe I am capable of inciting change
I kiss temporary lips with permanence
hoping that I can train them to stay
I love temporary people with permanence
hoping that I can train them not to leave
and when they do
I claim to have seen it coming
I am incapable of forgetting
a scrapbook memory of skin and heartbeat
of touch and moments
I know not to look directly into eyes
for they can be blinding
and I still
do it anyway
I know of the risks that shouldn't be taken
well aware of their consequences
and I still
take them anyway
you could say
it is my own fault
for the way that things continue to turn out
but I can make no promise of apology
instead
I will live momentarily
**** up intentionally
love recklessly
fall unguarded
break enough times to learn how to put myself back together
crash into concrete enough times to learn how to shift a crooked smile
into something worth seeing
I have been told that a life lived in fear
is hardly a life lived at all
so I intend to live every second
like it is the last one I will have
I will write each night as it happens
narrate my own stories
and hope they turn out okay
I will regret this in the morning
but I will do it anyway.

the chains tighten
my face whitens
the realization that i'm lost
finally grips me

if it's assured that i shall one day reach my demise
does that not mean my purpose is pointless
every action i immerse myself in
all i'm really doing
is letting the seconds pass by

which makes me wonder

why we worship those with the most golden clocks
who've taken their minuscule seconds
and made something mesmerizing
but shun those who break the clock
those weary souls who were not
willing to have anymore of it

those who opened their own door
to the possibilities of something more
the possibilities of eliminating
this never ending torment
finally grasping some permanent form of elation

an escape
oh how I long for an escape