Words,
I write these words,
I try to find meaning,
My place among the thorns
My eyes are filled with sadness
Lonliness is my heart's only song
I'll forever be a miser,
Forced to tread this world alone.

The sun
It breaks forth through a quilt of clouds
And it shines down on me
Me, bundled in a scarf stitched with iridescent thread
Walking, with intent
My mind falls into familiar patterns of thought
The tiredness of monotony and the buried hope of eventual freedom

Some nights I have vivid dreams that scare me into waking up
Those dreams feel realer than my waking life
Real life feels dull, repetitive, lifeless
A gear stuck in it’s designed rotation,
Propelled by the surrounding gears that have also given up dreams to submit to the status quo of drudgery

What is this anyway?
Senseless pontification
Calling everyone a phony
But what happens when the finger is pointed back at me
And I have to reckon with my own disease?

Because I can see what’s wrong with all these systems and how “they” perpetuate it
But me too, I perpetuate too
And the pain of the world just feels too big for me,
And I just can’t please everyone, not even myself
But it kills me
To see us devolving into people in love with their image,
Kissing their reflection,
While our hearts turn cold and we become social media activists who are largely disconnected to the marginalized experience
Disconnected from our true, simple and beautiful humanity
I can’t bear to witness this descent in us,
Especially when I see it in me

I just, don’t want to think so much about it anymore
Whatever it is,
I just can’t figure it out
And it makes me angry
And wonder if I’m a misanthrope
Because it seems like no one cares,
And I’m starting not to care now,
But well,
Who cares?

But I do care, but it takes scary things for me to show I do
Like the feeling I get thinking about someone I really love leaving
But I don’t show it on a daily basis
I’m just a frazzled, mad person
Touchy, irritable, paranoid
Charming, but deceptive
Smiling, but lying
Because when I’ve told the truth
No one cared anyway
Or they hated me for telling it

What’s the point of this string of thoughts?
I don’t really know
Except that I had to get them out of me somehow
And unburden myself from the heaviness
Of these leaden thoughts clanging inside of me.

What I really hate about POLITICS
Is the herd mentality it incites
We're choosing sides
And steadfastly holding onto our right to fight
We see division and
spill over with hate
I look at these people wrapped up in and
warped by their politics
While someone's loved one is dying
While another is being born
A butterfly flies in a windy meadow
While someplace else there is a
tumultuous storm
We become blind to this beautiful earth in which we reside
Living within this beautiful sentient gift
Because all we focus on is who is right or
who is wrong
We waste away in our hate
But it's pointless,
Because either way, it doesn't matter anyway
Fifty years from now this will be put down in history
As the worst debate of the century
The youth in the future
will be too absorbed in virtual reality
To care about our country's history.

Now I tell you this,
Do you want a REAL revolution?
The real revolution would be to
LOVE
just love, and don't hate
AT ALL

Right now I see two presidential candidates
going at each other like toddlers
One says: I'm better! You're bad!
The other says: No, I'm best! You're worst!
It's ******* ridiculous
Aren't those supposed to be two grown adults on that
stage?
Well anyway,
What should I expect from a mostly un-awakened country?
This all breaks my heart...

I walked to the mirror when I woke
I noticed that pieces of myself still lingered on my bed
cracked fragments of plaster made a trail behind me with my every step

I looked into that mirror
That mirror that told truths I did not want to know
It revealed a face wrought by troubles
A soul diseased with woes

This plaster was my makeshift armor
that I encased my too delicate self into
The plaster was hard and white
and just beneath it was my spirit
Still intact, though it only emitted a faint light

I can still recall a time
When I was allowed to broadcast my spirit
in all her riveting splendor
She was a kaleidoscope of lights
like the aurora borealis
dancing among the stars

But these systems and these expectations
Knotted her into limitation
Suffocating her every dream
and damning her to a life of monotony and trivilaity
Surrounding her with people
Who don't have the eyes to see
A destiny beyond their constant, choreographed agony

I quieted my mind
And pondered all these things in my heart
I took a sledge hammer
to the remaining plaster on my body
My armor broke to pieces
Strewn out on the floor, no longer serving as protection
and suffocation
I can finally breathe again.

My spirit is regaining her health
Soon she will soar
I'm stepping out on this journey
And though in leaving the past there is so much uncertainty
I think with glee:
Oh, the things this magical existence has in store!

I never learn. I just continually recycle thoughts. It's just a game of big words with the thesaurus on my lap. And, heck! Do I think I'm the only aspiring writer? Breaking my hand over words that could be so useless to another individual? I mean, I'm stuck in this stupid little bubble of my reality, my life and my everything-- I never see the big picture. The world in all. But, I have to face that I am incapable of knowing beyond my corners. That every self-created problem I make for myself is only a problem taken for granted and used in the wrong way. And maybe every mistake is a new beginning.

For years,
I had so much pain...
Too much pain,
But I finally let it go,
And now all I can do is grow
And laugh and love and feel,
I can feel once again!
What a wondrous phenomenon!
To be alive, once again,
Thank the Lord above,
For giving me the strength to *let it go

I created all these ideals in my head,
I'm going to be the famous writer
With the perfect family I never had
But I just learned
You have to live at rock bottom for a while
Until you can live a fulfilling lifestyle

So, I'll brace myself,
I'll be prepared
For these ideals I have
Will take time to reach
Each a perilous path to the top of my dreams
No matter how much I scream
From the pain this upward climb will bring
I will persist, evermore
Until I have all that I deserve

I need to live fearlessly,
And do what I love
Because it's better to follow your heart's plan,
Than fail at something you never wanted in the first place.

Awakening to this grand mystery
My mind-- blistering
Sitting here
Fidgeting
Thoughts in constant loops spinning
I'm sipping
On consumption
Reaching for more
But wishing for reduction
Production is what we're aiming for
But all I want to do is break this world a part
Because this world is like a broken clock
Still ticking but spinning into chaos
We need to stop the running away
From our problems
Before we spiral into oblivion
Instead, our calling is
To break a part this world
And all it's corrupt systems
So maybe,
In destruction of the old ways and the old world,
A new, loving earth can be born
One in which we will hold each other in inifinite compassion,
An earth beyond our wildest dreams,
The dreams of our innocent childhoods
Before we awoke to
This nightmare.

Ocean blue
Washing over me
I feel pleased and relieved and at ease
I close my eyes and see my childhood memories
I feel the nonchalance of my young self's naivete
Only in God's presence can I truly release
The strain of this flesh and
the push of society

I used to watch National Geographic all the time
when I was a kid
Sometimes I would watch deep sea divers
I would imagine being a deep sea diver myself
when I grew up
Now, I've yet to deep dive in a literal ocean
But I've recently been deep diving into the
Realm of spirituality

I see
Darkness and Light
In this realm
Sometimes,
my heart becomes curious of the darkness
It wants to understand what is concealed
What is distorted, what my eyes can't easily
perceive
But a call to Light is beckoning within me
It says
Get out of darkness, confusion, deception.
Truth resides only in the light,
It is Open, and never hidden, as darkness hides
Darkness is heavy, it weighs you down
You try to hide it,
But it's visible on your face
Light is buoyant
It brings you to the surface
It brings you life, Light fills you and
Renders you Alive.

Touch space and time
With my fingertips
The ambiance carries me on a wave
Echoing vibrations crawl up my vertebrae

This music is untypical
Just take a sip of it
It's better than your daily drug
It's a kaleidoscopic hug
Increasing dopamine
Close your eyes,
This experience is unlike anything you've ever seen.

Take my hand,
We'll dance on top of this barren land
And give it life *again

I look over my shoulder
To all that I have lost
I look into the mirror
And see all I have become
And I can’t quite say I’m satisfied
With who I’ve grown to be
I just remember all the useless striving
And now all the monotony
I’ve always been searching for something more
But what if this is it?
What if my life is just old wounds and festering sores
With no real hope and no real bliss?

I think I know what I want
But when I get it I push it away
Or I run
My mind is vague and tired
My heart seeks for relief
I’m stuck in patterns that will result in my demise
I just want to experience life again through a child’s eyes
But I know too much now
I’m cynical and guarded
My heart just wants to love but I’m hurting

I can’t feel anything too deeply anymore
I smile, but what for
It’s merely a mask to conceal the endless yearning within me
And all the regret lurking inside me
My pain echoes like a dull drumming
No one seems to understand me
So I just keep running
Maybe, one day
I’ll run right into
What I’ve been hoping for
I’ll run right into the bright warm light of the sun
And it will absorb my misery
It will illuminate my small life with expansive love.
Under every vain pursuit I’ve chased
Has been the intrinsic need to be unconditionally loved.

Close my eyes
Unaltered,
No faults
A soul full of thoughts
And whims
And musical notes that consist of hymns.

Desperation, perspiration
Fear has left here--
The inhabitants of my heart
Because tomorrow is for a new day to start
To leave behind this mediocrity.

Trails
If you're feminine you're too frail
And vulnerable
You can't follow where your heart wants to take you
Your dreams-- You have to stay home with them.

In many ways our collective intellect is growing
Seeds of reasoning have been sown
Leaving very little left to be known
But sometimes you need to disconnect from your society
And be alone
In order to truly understand
That your mind is your only home.

So goodbye to everyone narrow-minded
Your attempts of kindness were spoiled by your shortsightedness
and your closed hearts
I don't need you
I only need water to drink and air to breathe
I'll set out on a trail and never look back
Only up to observe the sky and the trees
And one day on this journey, I'll find what I'm looking for inside of me.

Why?* is all I can manage from my lips
I don't understand this life
It's like some sort of cruel game
You think you know where you're going
But then everything gets taken away

All I ever wanted was certainty
Before I give my heart away
Because I've loved before and
I loved hard
But the ones I had loved left my bleeding heart dying on the floor

I can never quite express accurately
In love my heart races and my mind scatters, incoherently
I've got so much suppressed I say you've got to be kidding me
All I want is authenticity
But I'm so scared to be the real me

All I can see is me repeating the same cycles relentlessly
Love is the drug I shoot in my veins
To relieve all the suppressed pain
But it's all in vain
Because when I finally wake up from the daze
I realize the love I clung on to for my very life was shallow and blind
For the love that I put on a pedestal
Is revealed
No longer can infatuation conceal
The demons of the object of my affection
My head now is in a daze,
My life is in upheaval and needs correction
I sit here on a naked floor
Like lava the floor swallows me alive
As I witness the dream I dreamt of love
Disintegrate
Turned to ash
Right in my very hands
I smother the ashes on my face
As I wipe away the tears
Of another love gone asunder
Fake love,
Okay, I said it
Fake love.

The past
Can grasp
For me
Plead
For me to pay it mind
Spare it my time
But if I did, that would be a self-destructive crime
Because life is too short to be wasting my time

Antiquated journal entries
Scorching my eyes
I thought I threw them all out
I thought I did away with my past entirely
But this journal entry
Brought me back to a day I have no recollection of
It made me feel like I felt five years ago,
Lonely and seeking attention in all the wrong places
Scared and shielded.

My, have I grown
Not in size or shape
But in destiny and fate
My life was heading in an ominous direction
How many times did I call out to God
Until I finally became humbled
And welcomed the Angels protection.

It's been a long journey
Through attempting to conform to dogmatic ideals
to becoming overwhelmed and lashing out in bouts of departing--
Dissociating
To allow the pain to be released in some rebellious way
But the core of me was still ailing and not okay
And only recently have I started to discover my self worth and potential
Not by comparing myself to others and deeming myself superior as to soothe my raging pain
But by listening to God and allowing Him to show me what steps to take so I can get out of life the most gain.

I am deserving
And I don't need to produce reasons
For why I am
I just am,
And I know it,
I'm convinced of it,
And nothing is gonna put out
This fierce fire
Of my new found self love.

When all the lies fade away
You in the corner, ruminating
The sun shines forth on this sullen day
And you realize your prized life has been forsaken

When you're too in love to see
Your blinded by compassion
You have so much of it that you live miserably
And now your stunted by inaction

I tread through the snowbank
I slipped down deep into it
And now everything is blank
So in the frozen stillness I sit

Within the center of the chaos
Resides the truth
Life is a multitude of revolving clocks
Spinning in alignment with abundant life which moves

Whenever you find yourself confounded
Instead of forcing a solution through manipulation
If you just surrender you will be astounded
By the simple ebb and flow of creation.

I see pouting lips,
******* and hips
Wrapped ******* clad,
Skin tight

I see muscles and chiseled lines
Lust in their eyes
I see vanity in nearly every face
And I think it is a disgrace

For when I look instead
At a face so pure
Like the one of Mother Teresa,
Or MLK
I wonder,
What has happened to the valiant hearted today?
And why have they all gone away?
Where is their voice among all of this vanity?
I can't see them through all of this triviality.

Had to
shuck the rules
and be un-cool
I had to leave the trodden path
and set out in the grassy field
I had to feel my anger
and scream:
*******!
To a sky so quizzically blue
I had to laugh til the point
when they questioned
if I was on drugs
No, not at all
Just having some childlike fun
I had to get a puppy
and learn responsibility the real way
I had to stop listening to people's stupid criticism
Their endless, meaningless remarks
I had to stop taking it all so seriously
I had to stop overthinking everything
and just feel it, and let it be
just as it is, in the moment
I had to smile anyway
Even if they don't smile back
I had to not let myself get confused about
evil; it's just a separation from God
I had to live fearlessly
and not anticipate the consequences for doing so.

Sometimes I turn around to see
everything I have left behind me
It’s weird to think of who I was
compared now to who I am
I never knew it would be this way
But still, I’m content

It’s just really different you see
Becoming the person
I never knew I could be
So many things on the inside are changing in me
And that’s okay,
I’m happy

I don’t know what the future holds,
I can’t know the indiscernible
I’ll have to put my mind to rest
And open my heart to the unknown
But it always seems
That there is a deep wisdom in me
Only accessible past the mind,
In the silence of peace

As winter descends
I will guard this flame growing in my heart
I live in a cruel world full of endless distractions
But I will remain, standing firmly in love
Now is not the time to cower,
Now is the time to rise above.

Pianist playing right now,
thank you for quieting the storm in my mind
It's moments like this one
That cause me to believe in God
Right when I felt like I couldn't bare the storm
within for one second more
You sat down at the piano
in the room next door.

Listen,
I know times are hard,
Listen,
I've been there before
Crying on the floor
Bare and scared
Talking to the walls,
Wishing someone was near

Listen,
I'm right here
And I'm real
Reach out your hand to touch me
So you can feel

Because I know you're heart is beating
But your blood is stale
Gasping for sweet air,
Gasping for love
You fought until your knuckles bled
For a love that could quell the demons in your head
But that love never came
And it never will come

Because that love is a mere fantasy
Fed to us by our t.v.
Movies like Casablanca and Gone With the Wind
Momentarily appease
Our hungry hearts pleas
But it's not reality,
These promises of perfect love
Wrapped in packages of perfection
Because loving is agony,
It's deception with a kiss on the cheek

But listen,
It's real,
And I'm not perfect
But at least I'm here
I don't look like Audrey Hepburn,
And our love is not worthy of storybook fantasies
But I'll stay by your side
Until the very day you depart to the sky
I'll never have you doubt the tenacity
Of my imperfect love

So listen,
This is what I can offer,
With open arms
Come find comfort with me
Admist this harsh world.

I'm in my hideaway
A cave of glorious wonders
Where in my lonesome,
I stay
Having no sense of time,
Having no sense of days
Each day melts slowly into the next,
In the thick glittering summer haze

My hideaway has miriad iridescent shells,
Reflecting the sparse light that makes it into the cave
In the cave I feel safe,
Finally
So far away from the
Bustle of life
Finally, finally
I can close my eyes and
Say goodnight

But in the morning I awake Replenished,
In the morning I awake anew
I take in a fresh breath
Of the crisp and salty air,
For I am in a cave,
By the sea
In my mind's eye
Far away
To gain some clarity.

Forever my soul has been a soujorner
A constant fighter, a constant learner
A rebel against the odds
A girl blossoming from a barren pod
And so how could it be
That my resilient soul can never rid itself of melancholy
It's trivial, not pivotal
The emptiness inside echoes in my being
I walk these dead streets at night
Not even the wind is breathing
I think about how
There was a time before I existed,
And yet here I am now
Realer than a cloud

Tears start to well in my eyes
I keep walking and think how no one ever will realize
The deep and constant pain I have inside
It would only burden them to let them know
That I'm sad because life can't be the way I dream it could be
There are just too many "should be"s I have to attend to
There's no time for childhood pretending
Where dreams are possible and opportunities unending

It's just another sullen day
That I realize I'm so far from my dreams
I'm still riddled with all my therapy resistant foibles
And I will just live this monotonous day,
Again.

Angels come in a variety of ways
When life is cold and stark
And you can't seem figure out where to turn
The ones you thought loved you burn you instead of lift you up
And you end up feeling misunderstood and hurt,
With no where to turn

But God doesn't give up so easily, you see
He won't allow you to believe your misery for too long
For God will flood your life with angels in disguise
Who fill up your darkness with blinding light
From such love you won't be able to escape
For you cannot run away from God's grace

It comes down like a tidal wave
This overwhelming love I can't explain
It gives me an over-abundant bounty to be grateful for,
How could I be so blessed?
And how could I ever deny God and the realness of his love?
I just thank the people,
These angels on earth,
Who surrender their hearts to God
So that they can become vessels of his unconditional love,
Touching and transforming each person they come in contact with,
As the love of God that is coursing through their veins,
Gets transfused into the person who needs it so desperately.

I walked up the steps in
this old building
The steps called out to me
Eerily, and I followed the tug
in my soul
I am anxious
But I follow wherever it
tells me to go

Big windows
In empty rooms
Look out onto the street below
I'm so high above everyone
I say I feel like God
I see all my friends
Down below
I am unattached,
looking down
on the world

Nothing compares to a warm embrace
and eyes connecting and
a radiant smile on a loved one's face
But their is nothing quite like solitude
It's quiet
It's haunting,
it's serene
In solitude
you can hear the whispers of your soul
and discern clearly what they mean

I've always had trouble with connection
I feel perpetually an alien
even when I see I am loved
I could never be
truly convinced in my heart
But I feel most loved and
understood
In the silence,
In the comfort of withdrawal
Is when I feel most connected
To the life force from which
I live.

As I walked down those steps
Back into the living, breathing life of
contradictions
In it being so much futility and
triviality
I know that everything will be okay
Even if, among a sea of people
I feel as if
I were the only one.

Climing the ocean stairs
Flipping through neon pages of
"I don't care"
My copious apathy makes me scared
But really, I probably feel this way
Because my mentality is stuck in: "life's not fair" mode
I can't  seem to reset my brain
It likes to fight, sleep and dream away
My dreams are so vivid and so real
It feels better to live out my adventures
In my dreams

I'm Holden Caulfield
I'm a brat
I think everyone's a phony
But I know I'm just a hypocrite,
Because I'm a phony too in a way
I just see all these people
So locked into a system of capitalism,
Locked into vanity and materialism and self centered-ness
I think they're stupid and dumb
They complain about what goes on in the world
But they're a apart of the problem
I am too, but I least I don't have this whole song and dance to try to woo people
Seriously, at this point I'm just going to be my eccentric self
And not care about people's opinions
Because I know I'm not perfect,
But at the end of the day,
I'm not self absorbed, and I'm out there being kind and doing little deeds of kindness
I put kindness first,
But even with me, kindness doesn't always win

I told someone at work that I'm going to
Live off the grid because
I'm tired of society
And he said "but you won't have anyone to talk to"
And I said "I'll talk to the trees and animals"
Like some sort of Snow White
I wish I could tolerate people better,
But I have this strong inclination to
Slap the phoniness out of people,
And it's becoming more difficult to restrain
Day by day
Ignorance truly is bliss
Because being able to see so clearly
That each person is the source of their misery has got me going crazy!
Because even I can't snap my fingers
And be be released of all my negative patterns!
They're like chains, or
A maze I'm stuck in, that I have to keep repeating over and over again.

Instead of asking yourself: Will this matter in 5 years?
Ask yourself: Will this matter in a billion years?
NOPE.

A coy fish necklace sits atop my collarbone
A symbol of growth
For the coy fish's growth is in proportion to the size of it's dwellings
The bigger the pond, the bigger it will grow

I live in a self created world imbued and marinating in meaning
Symbols with stories and so much significance
Objects being personified by the experiences in which the object accompanied me
These symbols both tangible and intangible,
With body and without body,
Are extensions of me
Like arms protruding from my sides,
Deeming me a Hindu goddess

It's getting harder to deny the interconnectedness of everything
And how I am simultaneously in shock and in awe
Of this chaotic masterpiece like a James Pollack piece,
Called life
So simple, yet erratic, untimely, unpredictable,
Enigmatic, glorious, timeless and bursting at the seems with profuse possibility
So brutal and beautiful, I must concur.

And what is it all without meaning,
Why awake another day to a dull definition of self and purpose
When you can fabricate a magical tale of wonders
In which you are the Heroine?

Have you ever
Wondered why
Sitting on ground
Under a overwrought sky

Why plays on a loop in my mind

Why are we here?
Why do I exist?
Why do I feel agony when I experience bliss?
Tense, I curl my hands into fists
Lay my comatose body down in barren lot
And allow the inquiries to persist

If I just had some answers
It would cease
Finally, I could be at peace
But everyone has a different take on
The meaning of life

Sometimes
In an attempt to let it all go
In a barren land where nobody goes
I kick off my shoes
And release all the questions,
I let the intense desire to know go
For in that segment of time
I don't need to know
I just need to be
Experience life through my senses
Touch, taste, smell, hear, see
And not through my mind's faulty reasoning.

I watch the hands of the clock slowly tick
As the light in the sky slowly dims
In the night the air turns brisk
Anxieties arise within and make me sick.

I get to thinking about time
How in a way it keeps me confined
I think, what a concept
And I hate restraints, to be honest.

See the mind is a funny place
Especially when it starts to race
In loops it plays my worst fears
It brings me to screaming and tears.

For with time the inevitable takes place
You leave this world without a trace
But I believe we go somewhere
All the way up there.

It's so easy to be consumed by anxiety
When it's all about me
But when I focus on community
I start to feel a sense of inner unity.

So let time pass
And let the lessons life teaches me last
In every moment I will live fully in the now
And I'll make it through this life wholehearted, somehow.

Just look at me
If their's hope for me,
then their's hope for you
Because if you could have
ever seen
what I've been through
You'd know I shouldn't be here today
And yet,
here I am, Alive
and so grateful for this day.

Shimmering, glittery, golden
Basking in the sweltering sun

The sun is an orange orb
Big, giant, hot, burning.... burning

Feeling skin brush againt cold flesh
Feeling another heartbeat pressed to your chest

Beating hearts intertwined
The golden orb consumes

Honey drips down
Glittery, golden, sweet

On our way to being complete
Yet seperated by a chasm so deep

How shall we build a bridge?
I want to get to you

You're so far
I'm in the passenger seat of your car

Chattering like a gang of birds
You smile, but it is rehearsed

I want to dump honey on you
Thick with love and affection

So your heart will be revealed,
And also my heart for you

Glittery, shimmering, golden, true
The orange orb is you.

Having dreams of tripping on the road
I'm a beatnik
Convulsing under the constraining wait of conformity
I hiss out like a strangled snake
One that has knotted its own body into limitation
I yearn, cry out to a infinite void
I want so badly
For the warm sun to envelop my body
and for my heart and spirit
to be my sole and only compass

Sometimes,
I have flashbacks
of a girl who paid no mind to rules
And lived life fully
Why did I bury her,
just to survive?

This earth is an endless racing track
Have to keep moving forward
Never look back

I can feel it coming on, an attack
Where's the control
In an life full of lack

Running away from this anxiety
Why am I lying to myself
I want no part in this society

I can't sit still
Something's going on and it's wrong
Won't let society take my free will

Capricious
Gotta put on my running shoes
Gotta get out of here.

I finally saw you again yesterday,
I walked in,
And there you were
I was surprised to see you,
But I hid it
I acted like
It hadn't been months since I last saw you

We've known eachother for a year now,
You were different yesterday
I was different
We've changed,
We grew
Into something beautiful,
Into something new
And I must confess,
It was so nice to see you
I wish I could openly profess
Just how much I love being near you.

It is 4 a.m. in the morning,
At peculiar little moments,
For no exact reason,
Sometimes I absorb a moment best that I can
And ask myself,
Will I ever remember this?
I usually never do,
The only memory I have of those moments
Is asking myself if I will remember
Maybe this is why I write,
So even if daily life makes me forget,
Capturing in detail the moments most significant to me
Will make them immune to the natural decay of memory

So, now,
I wonder
If the pitter patter of this night's summer rain
Will stay as a happy memory in my brain,
Or by tomorrow, wash away
There is no way to know
I just have to feel this moment,
And let everything go...
Let everything flow~

It's August now
I think of how
Everything goes too quickly,
Swiftly,
Like soft sand running through my fingers,
Sand dollars, Maine
First thinking of sand,
But now I'm a child again,
Visiting Maine
With my parents
The sea smells fresh,
Lobster,
Maine is known for it's lobster
You dip lobster in butter,
Because that's how it's eaten, Violet
I bought a souvenir for my Mother
Took a boat to see the whales
But they decided not to show up
I remember seeing a cute boy on the boat,
I imagined what it would be like if he was my boyfriend,
I was probably eight
Everything in childhood
Could never have prepared me for
Being a teenager
And becoming an adult
Childhood was so, so
Innocent
I knew of pain,
But I hadn't yet been wrecked by pain,
I was merely an observer at that point,
But things change when you take pain personally,
But pain is not personal
So, ultimately, it's our choice to either remain in the ruins of the wreckage, wallowing over our losses,
Or pick ourselves up, glean the lessons and rebuild our life,
Integrating both the pain and joy of our life within the new building blocks

So, as this summer rain falls
As it has before,
For over twenty years,
As long as I've lived
I let this time pass with ease
I ask myself if I will remember,
And I probably won't
But what's most important is that I love to my fullest capacity
Within every single forgettable moment.

I’m in love, I’m in love
He’s touched my heart,
I heard God agreeing from above
He is fond of our love
Our young, hopeful love
I saw a pure white dove hovering above my beloved
And I just wanted to shout
But I dare not, so I don’t freak the whole world out
I wanted to shout:
“I love you!”
Oh, am I merely a fool?
Pursuing dreams that can no longer be mine?
Or does love not know time?

How would he react, if I told him the truth?
The truth is screaming inside of me!
It wants to get loose!
But I keep it ******* with a noose
I am so scared to lose
I am scared to tell him and lose him forever
Lose seeing that beautiful face
That toned body
Lose listening to the words that generate from his clever mind.
Oh, why can’t he be mine?

I solemnly pray, that he doesn’t view me as a piece in his game
To be easily thrown away
I hope and pray, that he longs to be with me
Forever and a day.

This day is beautiful
The weather is mild
I feel so gleeful I want to expose my inner child
But she runs and hides when he is being beheld in my eyes
I just want to take his hand,
and run to the hills
I want to take his face and kiss him
And all of the minutes we spend apart,
Oh, do I miss him.

I’ve loved many times,
but what’s once more?

Dying to be me
Within this society of conformity

Just want to be free from the shackles
Freed from the cage
Aching for freedom is what I express on this page

Blood drips from my lips
My psyche has suffered a massive tear
Reality is seeping in like unnatural poison
It's keeping me from sleep
because I toss and turn in despair

Trying to make sense of this material world
But it's so unstable
I think I see it with my eyes
But a force like wind
Blows it all away
Like particles losing their tenacity and evaporating
Into space
Maybe that's all we can get out of this life--
An endless, unfulfilling chase

I try to convince myself to stay sane
To be happy and march along with the masses
To be the same
But what is in a name
When the world is in mayhem
And you're expected to just pretend

In empty space
You can erase
Limits are unknown
It's like being in a fish bowl of snow
You become numb because it's cold
And eventually you can't tell the difference between
your body and your soul.

I'm just dying to be me
I'm just dying for humanity's integrity .

God please forgive me for my curious ways
From this disposition I can't be saved
I can't refrain
from the difference in my soul
I'm disconnected from the whole
Can't You see?
I try so much to fit in and conform
I cry out to you about this but You never seem to hear my pleas
I thought I'd make you happy if I was the same
If I dressed in starched linen and changed my name
I thought only then would I be able to see
You, God, clearly
Because that's my truest and sole desire
To know God for myself, to see God's eyes
Wide and on fire

But could it be
That I'll never see
You when I'm blinded by religion and
fear
I'll never feel you, hear you or
touch you
When conformity is creeping up my skin
How could I see?
Maybe without words,
or reason
or logic
Maybe by forgetting it all
I'll remember
Who God is.