Sometimes it's nice to fall
Down slides shooting
Our tired bodies out into space

Do you ever feel the blood drenched words
Of your truth
On your lips?
People furrow their brow
In confused disapproval
As your truth hurtles up your throat
And hits their ears
Like clashing cymbals

You sat there,
On that bench
Listening to my pain voiced
And all you could do
Was look at me
Like a deer in headlights

Do you ever hate it
When people say "Aw"
When you share something deep and
personal with them?
Yeah.

This world is ******,
That's for sure
This is why I keep my eyes on the heavens above.

Cry for all the times you didn't die,
Back in the days when you really wanted to,
Cry for the times you took handfuls of pills,
Because the pain in your heart was too real
Cry for the little girl inside,
Who glorified death,
As she cut her very own flesh
Cry for who you are now,
A smiling veil,
A tormented soul behind the mask,
People see your darkness,
There is no way to disregard it
Your only hope is to wash your heart clean,
Of this deep disease
Running through your veins.

God please forgive me for my curious ways
From this disposition I can't be saved
I can't refrain
from the difference in my soul
I'm disconnected from the whole
Can't You see?
I try so much to fit in and conform
I cry out to you about this but You never seem to hear my pleas
I thought I'd make you happy if I was the same
If I dressed in starched linen and changed my name
I thought only then would I be able to see
You, God, clearly
Because that's my truest and sole desire
To know God for myself, to see God's eyes
Wide and on fire

But could it be
That I'll never see
You when I'm blinded by religion and
fear
I'll never feel you, hear you or
touch you
When conformity is creeping up my skin
How could I see?
Maybe without words,
or reason
or logic
Maybe by forgetting it all
I'll remember
Who God is.

Come a little closer,
Stand a little taller
Speak a little louder
And come dance with me
Over this lustrous July breeze
You're the soul I wish to squeeze
For every single detail about you
Brings me great ease

This attraction fails to cease
In no way could it ever decrease
I just have to believe
It's for a higher purpose and
A better cause
One I can't quite comprehend currently
I'm just left here daydreaming of you holding me

Is there any way for you to see
That there has to be
A way for things to go along more quickly
What is the specific recipe
For turning dreams into reality?
To have your lips touching mine,
Shooting me out into pure ecstasy

So come a little closer,
Dare to dance with me,
We could do the tango,
Or the fox trot
Maybe some contemporary,
Lets get to the point,
About how we feel
To make these dreams real.

Last year I was inert,
A desert of my own
A planet out of orb
I saw things from a distance
I felt things, only safely
And I only did things
When no one was looking

But I grew, boy, did I grow
Like a ***** breaking forth
From a sidewalk crack
I externalized a long held internal scream
And I let,
Yes, I allowed
Myself to beam
To show the world
The very best and the very worst
Parts of me

These days,
I refuse to feel shame
For the things about me
That are less than
I am broken and beautiful
Incomplete on my own, yet strong
And I refuse to hide myself
In fear of being attacked by an onslaught of criticisms,
Telling me of everything about myself that is wrong
But I choose to take the risk,
Everyday,
To walk out into this world,
Armorless and brave
So maybe I will have the chance
To reach out to an ailing heart,
Like I once had,
And help those hurt people to see that
They are so loved,
By Jesus
And that in Him we are made complete.

When did I ***** these parameters,
From which I can't escape
Since when did I hem myself in so tightly
That I can't breathe, that I refuse to let myself be
I made rules for myself
To deter myself from getting hurt
But these rules are suffocating me,
Suffocating my autonomy
What happened to the days when I proclaimed boldly
That I would grow up to be just like Amelia Earheart
Fearlessly flying beyond any limitations
Until I am boundless,
Beyond the limitation of my body
Why has the trauma of adolescence and the uncertainty of adulthood
Made me such a calculated, cynical being,
Begging the ineffable for meaning?
Digging for the answers of what I'm supposed to be
Can females be forward and pursue their dreams?
Without the fantasy of a man who would provide stability
I guess the world has made me scared
Of the reality of being a woman
That wanting a man
Feels like a necessity, like a security blanket,
Or a gun
To ward off these crimes against womanhood
But it's really a flaw in perspective,
Women may be the victim of ****** oppression,
Being used as flesh mannequins to penetrate and beat,
A weaker vessel on which to release the pent up rage of the patriarchy
But I shall persist, nonetheless,
For when the whole world is against me
I rise
I've been a victim for too long
But in my victimhood I have found that I am strong
And that the only security I need
Is this relentless heart,
Living for a cause
So that maybe oneday, more people's eyes will be open to see,
And soon we'll just be able to breathe
Without all this trauma and worldwide unease
Death has become defeated,
So, I must live without parameters,
I must be fearless.

Let me be weak
Let me be small
Let me hide
And crawl into a ball
Let me cry
Until the tears are all gone
Let me feel pain
Without trying to make it go away
I don't want to stop my tears,
I don't want to smile right this moment
I just want to feel this pain
That I cannot explain
And let it pass
So I can be free of it
At last.

Pure emotions streaming down my cheeks
Like ruby blood streaming
I'm a volcano erupting
Consumed by rage
And my happiness is disintegrating
For I cannot seem to tame
These uncontainable flames

At night the moon's light washes over me
I get down on my knees and beg
To not be like the ones who scarred me
But with every passing day
I see them in me
In all the thoughtless things I do
I was mistreated and overlooked for so long
That finally it feels so free to just be concerned about me

This story I repeat is destroying me
Sabotaging any hope I have for grace
For as long as I live in the shadows of my tragedies
I will continue to be a helpless victim
To these stories of my past

Every night is a variation of the same dream,
Every day passes by too swiftly
As I lag along, barely living, half asleep
Too tired to live out my latent ambitions,
Confined to my bed living the artist's nightmare of unrealized fantasies
A flower hidden, closed amd clamped within itself
Dying to open, reaching to be free
To break free from the daze that is embedded within me
Where is my childlike joy,
Free of all distress?
How do I let go,
To allow in God's best?

The sky is a deep dark blue
Fading
The city twinkles in the distance
The water plays with the shore

I am so grateful

I arrive home
I take my dog out for a walk
I stop by my friends house
Where the bible study is held
A few friends remain
We laugh,
We love

I walk home
Beaming
Love pouring through me
Like an endless waterfall
I am full
I am loved
I am so happy.

What if I were to be a conch shell?
Emptied of my pain, of my trivial afflictions
What if all my memories were stripped from my mind,
Would my mind become bleak like the frigid landscape of Antarctica
Or would it finally be empty enough to become saturated by unfiltered light?

What if I have used my mind as a crutch for all these years,
Because loving was just too fierce,
Too all encompassing
Love could lift me to my highest highs,
And promptly pulverize me in a matter of seconds.
Because of my unhealed pain surrounding love
I unintentionally sequestered myself in the small realm of my mind
Becoming dizzy and detached from my heart and body
As my mind stewed in a mess of overthinking,
In this process trying to derive the perfect formula
To avoid future pain at all costs

But I just wonder, if maybe
All this pent up inner torment doesn't truly belong to me,
Like, it shouldn't form my identity
I guess it's really hard to say,
Because these traumas make up so much of who I am today
But maybe I shouldn't allow them to have so much authority over my life
Because truly, these traumas are the source of my continuing strife
I just think, that maybe
If I willingly surrendered my psychological debris to God
That He would take it and dissolve it,
So He could fill me, unhindered, with His unconditional love.

I've found my voice again
It's cracked through my throat
like a butterfly
that was transmuting in it's cocoon
For five years

It's like the impenetrable dam
I had constructed
to hold back my truth
Has been utterly demolished
By the power of my truth
like surging waters
Overcoming my fears

Right now my words are like tsunamis
I closed my eyes yesterday
And I witnessed a tornado rising up inside from my belly
Someone prayed for me yesterday and said
She saw me at the throne of God,
God laid his hands on my head
And gave me an anointing of power and courage

I am a warrior
Borne of love

There are no buts or ifs or excuses anymore that I can lean on
The truth is spilling through me and for once I'm
not moderating it
It's wild and terrifying
People are scared
I'm scared
Because I realize now
That I can no longer live this lie
that I've been living for so long
The truth is making sure of it
The truth is pouring through me,
And this time,
I'm willing to speak it.

Looking through a chain link fence
I press my cheek to the cold metal
and look out to the skyline in the distance

I breathe in deeply

I shut my eyes,
I shut my eyes like all the times before
With a peaceful smile on my face
As I drift back to the recesses of my mind
Where my imagination creates vivid images
That are realer than reality

I travel down to the center of my vermilion heart
And on it I perceive the secret
That is gradually healing me
Emblazoned on my heart are the words
That are replacing the sweet misery that has become me
It says: God is love
And this profound truth is restoring me

Slowly, God is pulling up the twisted roots of my grief
And planting seeds of everlasting love and peace
Many times still my mind is inhospitable,
I try to run from my mind
But it's always catching up to me
Threatening to devour me
But God is like clear blue skies
After a thousand days of rain
Slowly but surely
God is clearing my pain.

Mesmerized by those glittering eyes
Your countenance so theatrical
Your engaging eye contact
The way you wouldn't let your eyes stray from mine
As you spun your stories
The way you smiled to yourself
Whenever I spoke
Even though we were in a group
Whenever you spoke you looked only at me
You recommended bands and offered to share recipes
You are just delightful
You are funny, gloomy and insightful
If I could kiss you, I would
Because sometimes words get stuck in my throat
So it would be easier for me to just
Rest my voice and tell you how I feel with a kiss instead!

reverberating through the beat
every wavelength of sound is a stream
like an iridescent waterfall
with bubbles at the base
i fall with grace
i fall with grace
music erasing the pain
like blue hair dye escaping down the drain
cool down
slow down
put your mind in autodrive
let the music revive you
you haven't yet died
feel your heart beat to the tempo
blood flowing through
your arteries
your eyes roll to the back of your mind
your body shakes
your mind is finally awake.

I've got a big heart
that needs to lavish love on aching souls--
Souls malnourished from a lack love
But my love runs out
and I run dry
Yet these hungry souls
keep stealing from me
like cannibals feeding on the weak
And now I know why

I can't just give them what they need
People need to learn how to love themselves
without the desperate pleas for attention
when what really needs to be addressed
is a deep desire to be truly seen

Maybe I think to much
Or believe everyone wants to heal
I just don't get why it's so hard for some people too love,
Why it's so hard for some people to feel

My healer tendencies have got me dying
I'm trying to feed the world while I'm starving
First,
I've got to feed myself.

Tell me the truth, I beseech you
Don't lie or falsify
or tell me sweet fantasies that
will quell my haunted mind
Tell me the truth, nothing but the truth
Or I will continue on
as a mad woman
deluded, entranced and blinded
Show me the way of truth, and I will abide,
not chide or hide
For I know the truth will give me wings to fly
to transcend the chaos of society and
my own mind

My hands search for a truth like gold,
pure and untainted
But I grasp at straws
Sometimes these straws give me false leads
that cause me joy
But when I finally reach the core of truth
for that system of belief
I see, that the whole time
I was being fed lies,
I was fervently pursuing a deception
And then I lose my sense of self again
I lose it because that belief system
is what I anchored my whole being in

Is the truth,
the absolute truth
Staring me in the eyes?
Am I being purposely ignorant of it
Because acknowledging the truth would mean that I would have to take
up my own cross
and follow Jesus?
How many people call themselves Christians,
but aren't willing to die in the name of Jesus?
Am I willing to die to my Self
and follow in the purpose God has assigned to me?

Tonight I search aimlessly and find nothing
Nothing that resonates with me
It rains outside and the air has become crisp
I breathe it in clearly through my nostrils
And I feel at ease

On this rainy day I envision snow,
even though snow is an unlikely prospect for now
Snow is an emotion I am experiencing currently
That feeling of stillness, of a deep, deep knowing
That you don't understand
You don't understand how you know,
you just do

I see deep blue eyes in this snow
and a bearded chin and a mouth that speaks slowly and deliberately
It beguiles me and yet puzzles me
For it is an oddity
He, whom I behold tenderly with my dazzled and curious eyes

Is it a bird I hear in the distance
Quietly chirping out for help?
How many of us are quietly chirping out for help
Yet too scared to scream for help?
Well, sometimes we just have to scream.

You're the perfect stranger
I just couldn't have arranged this

I was roaming aimlessly in a field layered in snow
Trying to walk across a log above a creek
But I couldn't get to the other side
So I went back

I saw you in the distance
I walked up to the bench that I put my grocery bags down on
Your puppy came right up to me
Once we started talking we couldn't stop

Like two puzzle pieces
We fit perfectly
Everything was smooth and fluid
There was not one moment of strain or awkwardness
Some may call what we experienced chemistry
But I much rather call it serendipity.

Oh sweet saccharine child
I feel your love from miles and miles
How could words ever express
Your bold golden orange decadence?

How long had my soul cried out in agony
Wasting away in it's misery
Until a soft feather like hand of an angel
Wiped my tears away
And gave me hope of a better day

Oh, twisted world in which I live
My perception is dark and hurting
You've stolen my rainbows and my butterflies,
Bumblebees and hummingbirds
But I've got faith enough for the rest of us...
I live on.

I'm fickle, they say
Swinging like a pendulum
from elation to dismay
But I rode towards the sunset today,
While you all were screaming in the background,
Basking in the chaos of ignorance

Some smiles are plaster,
And some are real
They say to look at the eyes
Then you'll know how a person really feels
But I'm a soul inspector,
You see,
A student of the streets
It's not the outside that matters
But the interior, the base that makes something complete
For a pretty house can be built upon unstable ground,
But is it truly sound?
This is why we must look past the smile
Through the eyes,
Into the soul
--that's when we'll see,
and that's when we'll know
the things that are unseen,
and the things that are unknown.

2012 had been warped by the contents of a vile,
A hallucinogenic liquid that I would put on my tongue
And ingest like a good sport
I so very much liked where it would transport me
Far away from any perceivable misery
I floated out of my body
And my circumstances had no emotional pull over me anymore
But the consequences were beyond therapeutic
I transcended so high
That I became disassociated from my body
And corrupt thoughts sprouted in my mind,
Ones that didn't really belong to me
This liquid separated me from my earthly misery but also cut me off from my human empathy

2012 was about being pretty
It was about being the prettiest girl I could be,
Even while wasting away inside
The first thing I would do in the morning was smoke a joint to myself,
Which would trigger a panic attack, something I had not experienced before that time
And then waste nearly an hour painting my face
And never being satisfied with the end result
That year was surrounded by other pretty girls,
Who were callous and self centered
Who frivolously ignored my intense well of sadness,
Exacerbating my wounds by their self absorption
Every time I reached out my hand to my friends for genuine comfort or alleviation
My hand of slapped back down and instead a joint was passed to me, or a bottle of alcohol, or an adderall, or a bottle of robotussin, or a pill of ecstasy or a liquid hallucinogenic in a vile
And I imbibed and imbibed and imbibed
In a desperate attempt to suppress everything
Up until the point where when I looked into the mirror,
I couldn't recognize myself anymore
I felt so detached from everything,
Including myself

Like all extreme ways of escapism,
Everything ended with intense chaos
Hitting rock bottom
Is God's final and loudest wake up call
I literally ended up stranded in the rain oneday,
With no where to go and no one to turn to
So I was just there, in an unfamiliar place
In the pouring rain,
Sobbing profusely
All the anguish pent up in my body decided to release itself all at that very moment
One of my parents had betrayed me yet again
And I would have to pay a heavy consequence for their lies, for their incessant blame of me for everything wrong in their life
I would have to pay that price for a whole year following
I don't like to think that all things are God's will and that bad things happen for a reason,
But I can't help feeling like all the chaos that led to my wake up call were so integral to me becoming clean,
Because I just know that if I went another year the way I was living I was going to die

The chaos in our lives, the unwanted discord we so desperately try to escape
Is a catalyst to the realization of our true self
Chaos is like fire that burns away all things that aren't in alignment with our indisputable truth
I can't help being grateful for everything that didn't go the way I planned,
Because when my plans failed
I came upon an astronomically more fulfilling path that I didn't even know existed because I was so focused on the plan I had created
What if we stepped into the fire, instead of trying to bypass it
What if we allowed it to consume us, the traits that originate from our ego, until all that is left is our essential self
Our simplest and purest form in which we become agents of love and radical reform,
Selfless and humble vessels of God
Renewed by reliance on Him
And not hustling for our self worth by our own means
Each of us, in our unique way, are heroes,
When we own our war story
And share our transformation produced by surrender to God
Saints who are far from perfect
But courageously living out the truth and love God has planted in our hearts.

These tears are like spears to my heart
My mind is so numb
Stripped of all it's moisture
I guess I haven't desensitized myself enough
I tried to never feel again
I almost succeeded
And yet a tactless mouth uttered not well thought out words
And now they're all tucked in their bed
Dreaming of their unmet fantasies
While I'm here
Trying desperately to console myself without numbing
All the while crying these burning tears
Where's the empathy? I ask
But I guess they've never felt this amount of pain
I had held it down for so long
But it reemerged,
And in my eyes comes the unceasing rain.

Falling down a kaleidoscopic chasm
One you or I could never fathom
I like to keep my eyes closed
because that's when I see the rose
of this tribulation
melting in the womb
of this maternal nation
It's a relation too thin,
like ice
I fall through
I keep falling through
And when I look to you
I see me
The many reflections of humanity.
I have to purge
this darkness
it attaches to my heart
like a forced dance with the devil
I'm always reaching for the stars
But being thrown down to the deepest,
darkest, dankest level
Where I feel nothing,
absolutely nothing.

What is the matter
with this sunflower child
staring deep into my eyes
She means everything and knows nothing,
I know nothing and feel everything
Purge me, purge me
From this feeling
of nothingness and everything
Breaking a part
Seeing for the first time
The blankness of reality
Stark and cold and filled with infinite light.

Went so far down the rabbit hole
That you'd never understand
I behold thee in my imagination
Eyes are portals to the soul that
cause so much elation
and frustration
For thinking I could ever discern real truth,
because truth is simply skewed
It's diluted
My lips wish to speak it,
But my mind is convoluted
And it doesn't know which words to speak
If they'd be understood
by the meek.

Stuck and infinitely running
in this circle,
going round and round
recycled
living, so alive
and stagnant
bursting and bubbling
so, so angry
and yet all I do is smile
and hold back my mind
I wring my wrists
and form fists
I knot my hands behind my back
And lock myself in
Against self-expression,
I decay
Yet another day,
wasted away
on this sovereign conformity
The nest is safe
But I'm ready to fly
and if I don't
I'll continue in this misery--
un-ending, numbing
You'll have to forgive me
Because no longer can I live this way...

My heart is a swing
Swinging to conclusions
My mind is a pendulum
Going back and forth, me never making up my mind

Vacillation is a part of my anatomy
It's the chaos that thrills me

And yet I feel so safe
In the womb of certainty.

Can I really know
Where to direct my steps,
In which direction to go?

I must interact within the orb of sentience
to attain the answers to the questions I do not know
Can't find the answers in the dictionary or
Internet
I got to open up my door
And let life in
I got to invite life to tango with me,
So I can spin, spin, spin
There is no guarantee that I will be successful and win
All I can do is try, tango, spin
Fall, sometimes feel small,
And get back on my feet again.

Take me to a sky
In the night
And I’ll lay on the cold ground
And cry
As I let myself be absorbed into the stars
I’ll let the pain of believing I’m not good enough
Dissolve into the winter air
Releasing every burden, every care

But who am I
A teardrop traveling from my eye
As I witness the pain
and the truth in the lie

I want to sit all day and wrap myself within beautiful lies
And watch the sunrise
The truth makes me feel bare and scared
I couldn't manage it; I bar my ears from hearing truth
When it touches my ears, I just feel so confused

I've searched up and down and all around for this thing people call The Truth
Magnifier in hand like a sleuth
But it still eludes me, like it does everyone else
The world is moving and living
But I don't think I want to be apart of it...
Because the more I hear about what truth means to others
The more confused I become
I just want to meet someone with answers
This search deprives my life of fun!

With all this uprooting tradition and reasoning and overturning superstition and dogma,
The meaning that has imbued my life has waned
I'm a lost traveler searching for truth and a clear cut purpose.

I'm so in love, I can't deny it
I tried to hide it
But I simply couldn't fight it
bubbling forth to the surface
My heart is beating rapidly,
My feelings are inexplicable
I just want to wrap my arms around you
And kiss you
Oh, please don't call me despicable

And I know you want it too,
From all the little things you do
But why, WHY?
Do we force ourselves to conceal?
We're so afraid of getting hurt,
But getting hurt is just a part of being real
My stubborness can't hold me back anymore
Because everytime I look into your eyes
I become elated inside
And I can't stand not seeing you for days,
I just want to be near you,
I just want to know you,
Hold you in stormy weather
And kiss you in spring
I want to be your fortress,
I want to heal your broken wings.

Do you ever hide away at home
Because daily living has a heavy toll
You see potential pain in every moment,
Every face,
In every pause and every lag
You are overcome by lurking sadness
It screams that you will never be
Who you dream to be
You pass the bridge and look down
You push aside the thoughts of pain,
For jumping off is what you refrain from
You have a plastered smile to keep you sane
But really, all it does is make you seem inane

I look into a twisted mirror,
I see the face of a contorted figure
I ask: "Who are you?"
But no answer is delivered
I'm just a mind plagued with the residue of trauma
Debilitating memories that make me shake and want to huddle in a ball
Tear the whole world apart with my ****** claws
Scream and create nonsensical havoc
Because I can't seem to compensate
For all the confusion that swims below in my subconscious
I need someone to hold me,
But I convince myself,
No one could love me and my demons
I have a reasoning mind but my heart is disconnected
If you knew my story you'd understand why my internal world is so hectic
And yet my lips are sealed
For I try to conceal
And perfect and attain
The life of my ideals
But on days like today
I feel so far away from joy
I sit, deformed, shaking on the floor
Not understanding anymore
Not understanding anymore.

My heart had become unplugged
For once I loved and loved and loved
But my love was taken for granted
Smashed on the floor and broken, ravaged
I sit here, dumb-founded and crying
Looking through the reel of memories in my mind
Trying to figure out at what point it all went wrong
But my life has been a series of painful experiences
Escapism was my way to quell the incessant shame
But an unplugged heart knows not how to receive
The relief and release of unconditional love
It's there for my taking
Delivered by Jesus
If I would just stretch out my hand and accept it,
I could live in His love, undaunted
I'm a child of God,
And I know this
It's time to plug my heart back in
And own it.

You live your vapid lives
Following trends to the grave
If emptiness is vastness then who can save you?
You'll never change your mind
Turn away from nonsensical gibberish
Whatever is in fashion is what you follow
You get drunk on weekends to swallow the pain of the weekdays,
And in that moment before ***** induced slumbering
You wonder what's the point of life
And as quickly as it comes,
It goes
Like a wind touching your cheek
Intervening the warmth of ignorance.

As a child, I took an art class at the Brooklyn Museum of Art
We’d go to different exhibits and the instructor would explain the context of pieces of artwork
Once us kids stood together,
Looking up at a large canvas polluted with ambiguously painted circles
And the art instructor told us that there was some deeper meaning to it,
Though to our uninitiated young minds,
We couldn’t see this

We went to an exhibit one day full of gods made of stone and wood
Idols, the evangelicals would say
There was a god with a protruding belly and a folded face like a shar-pei
And the instructor pointed to it and uttered its name
I was floored.

My mind raced—
Surely, there couldn’t be other gods besides the one I grew up with,
And yet here I was, surrounded by hundreds of them with names and identifying traits and even faces

When I arrived home I demanded an explanation from my mother,
Who being only a nominal Christian at the time
And not well versed in scripture
Couldn’t give me a satisfactory explanation for what I had seen that day,
She couldn’t provide an explanation that could seal the crack in my perception of reality that had been made

When I badgered her demanding to know God’s name,
Since now I knew God isn’t a name but a title,
And that there were at least hundreds of gods throughout history with names
The only answer she could muster was “lord”
So I continued on in my perplexed state,
Though I stopped inquiring about it

Until my mother became involved with a cult,
Who spoon fed us answers that insure certainty and seal up all the cracks in our perception of reality
With a glue that we aren’t allowed to question
But had to apply liberally to our minds everyday

They provided me a name for this God I thought I had known all my life: Jehovah, they called him
And with God’s new name they provided a personality too:
Jehovah is a god who’s sick of everyone’s **** and is going to destroy everyone in a horrific fashion in Armageddon,
except the true Jehovah’s witnesses plus a few good hearted unbelievers who never had the chance to join the “one true religion”

Nice.

So all my questions were answered...
Until they weren’t
Certainty is a drug like any drug,
It only gives temporary relief
And it wears off and you run out of your supply,
Your body convulses violently
And you can’t stop the screaming in your mind
This certainty was a antidote that could control all of your existential anxieties
But in being exposed to reality,
My false beliefs founded in superstition
Withered in reality’s limelight

Reality bites
Because with reality comes an undeniable truth
A truth that doesn’t have to be rationalized
But is inherent and honest
In an unforgiving way
But honest nonetheless,
And I think I want honesty in my life now,
Yeah
But not the “truth” that religion purports to own,
Giving me the “truth” as long as I adopt its rituals, rules and customs
But the truth that belongs to both ugly and beautiful things,
And how in life there are endless, painful contradictions
And how it can be over anytime for any of us
And how no one really knows for certain when we leave our bodies of flesh if there is a continuation of our consciousness
But I want it anyway,
I want the painful, ****** truth,
And not the lies of certainty.

I'm only human,
With scars and marks and bruises
Let's sit at this table and share our pains and amusements
Let's learn from each other
And pray that the internal screaming in our minds
Dims to a faint whisper,
May we blast Love and Hope and Peace
Through our hearts,
May our hearts grow three sizes bigger
Like the Grinch's heart
And may we find in each other
A quiet solace
Ready to hold each other in maternal arms
YOU ARE LOVED
This I must confess
To myself and to every other suffering soul
You are so dearly loved
I see your suffering
And I'm willing to meet you
At the place of your utter defeat
And in that place
I shall lift you up
And put a crown upon your head
And bless you in a way
That will make you forget
All the tragedies before now
So, relax, my Dear
You've made it this far
But no matter where you are,
You are always so close to My Heart.

viridescent vines
cloud my view
of the horizon awaiting me

i'm making my way through
a victorian garden
the fragrance of the many flowers
puts me under a spell

i fall down a winding spiral
and plummet deep in to my heart
it is dark,
within each beat silence reverberates

i'm drinking rosehip tea
it's so pink
rose petals float on top
steam rises to kiss my lips

should i continue to repeat the same mistake?
or take the road less travelled by my heart?
i'll have to venture beyond my habitual vices
i'll have to step out beyond the known

stick my thumb out into the galaxy
catch a ride to my next divine destination
i'll laugh every step of the way
and be okay with the oblivion that saturates my mind
i'll learn to live through my heart,
whole and complete,
spreading love.

Stuck in blue
Sea glass glasses skewing my vision
Here, on this road is a division
A decision,
I'm not ready to make
I'm sitting on the tip of the cliff,
Not ready to jump

Mad at humanity
Lost all hope for sanity
How many people have failed me
And you say "try again"?
Oh heart, you optimistic fool,
You can't have everything you want...

On this journey
I once believed in magic
But I lost my book of spells
And now I'm here, all alone
And I must vouch for myself
On this journey.. on this cold, treacherous road

I've lost all my passion,
My ability to imagine
I've given up but I'm still scared of they're judgement
I don't want to live their lives of mediocrity
Why do it if you dont love it?

Anger, my sweet friend
You guide me to burn everything
That isn't authentic in me
Sweet flames of surrender engulf me
As hot tears spill from my eyes
This is my beautiful demise
As the lies burn away
And all that remains
Is Truth in it's purity,
Truth in it's peace
Truth in it's joy
Thank you,
Anger
For Killing everything
That was killing me.

Intrisically, we are all connected to God,
We don't doubt this when we are young,
But doubt seeps in slowly,
For years,
Draining us of our faith
The world is desolate,
And in our sadness we also become depraved
Looking for answers in the swamp,
Seeking fresh water in it's toxic sludge,
Sinking to our grave
But only through Divine intervention,
Were you pulled from quicksand
An invisible hand,
Lifted you up
You felt the presence of inmeasurable love,
Consoling you,
For once,
Finally,
After all those years of despair,
You have relief
You breath the fresh air you once would desperately seek,
You drink pure water
And when you open your mouth to speak
You hear the voice of truth bellowing through
It's a curious thing,
To turn your back on God,
But be saved by grace,
You are not a mistake,
No matter who points and laughs and sneers
There is a reason you are here,
Welcome the warm embrace of the Divine,
And trust me,
You'll be fine.

Do you see my hands,
My open palms
Clamped
Sometimes
Because I close
And I find it so hard to open to you
Love has always hurt before

You said you’re independent but tender
You make me feel so warm inside
Like fireworks or rainbows expanding inside me
Like the sweetest melody
Brewing inside my heart
You give me hope
Beautiful love.

difficult, melancholy, putrid
rotting, decaying in your attic of secrets
you don't have to die here
see, the sun is finally peaking through
through blue green leaves
are you blind to the beauty surrounding you?
hold on,
let me shock you back to life,
count with me,
1, 2, 3
no, don't go toward the light
hold on with that breath,
there you go,
now exhale,
okay, woah
that was close
your tears are clouding your vision
all you can see is night
i beg you to see day,
please see day
see the beauty of life,
but you refuse,
and you tuck your heart away
under a cloak of unfeeling
it's the only way you know how to cope
with this brutiful experience of living.

(brutiful-- brutal and beautiful)

The man I let go
Was not mine
He belongs to God
And so do I.

I was sixteen
We started fires in graveyards
Had *** in public parks
At 2 a.m.
Drank stolen 12 packs behind abandoned factories
And played Nirvana without end

We smoked **** in ditches
And burned holes in our skin for fun
We kissed strangers
While closing our eyes
And imagining Jim Morrison

We popped unlabeled pills
We were put in psychiatric hospitals
We watched indie films
While we made our ****** art
We played basketball in a parking lot
After smoking fruity blunts

We found an abandoned mansion,
And slept in abandoned homes
We would get so drunk we wouldn't know where to go
We fell down hills and scraped our knees
We cut ourselves with dull blades
Crying in the shower, un-saved
We drank champagne alone
Crying to ourselves
In a lonely home

We blasted Pink Floyd and stared into each other's eyes
We watched Black Swan and walked home on the January ice
I said I wanted to be with you forever
But you became mad,
You said forever is too long

We rode in the back of cars at night
Singing Italian songs before the inevitable fight
We danced on beaches
And stripped in the sprinklers of dawn
Running through the lawns
We were outlaws
Bonnie and Clyde
Making a habit of destruction
So we could hide our sorry hearts.

I believe
With this heart that's beating within me,
With every fiber of my being,
Even though as of now I may not be seeing,
The results I'm needing
I'm believing
I will get to the point,
Where I need to be
To turn this agony into
Tranquility.

It's hidden,
among the thick viridescent vines
It's somewhere just beyond the cumulus clouds
It's tangled within the particles carried in the smoke
exhaled through her pursed rouge lips

It's akin to a polychromatic dragon,
slithering through the boiling concrete like
a rainbow snake

It's a doe, staring at you
Blankly
Absorbing your soul

But you never look into the mirror for too long,
Do you?
Because if you do
You will start falling into yourself
Over and over
through infinite dimensions
Your mind will flip you like a hologram
through cubes rotating
on a conveyor belt
You would lose your body,
momentarily disassociated,
Eternally disconnected

But it's funny you see,
Because I talk in riddles
For you to not quite understand me
The significance is imbued within the images
If you dare contemplate them

It's hidden
Like the soft roll of the sea
tugged gently by the crescent moon
On the sand it's finally quiet,
No more bustling life

Maybe it's hidden
Behind those iridescent sunglasses
Hidden in those concealed eyes,
That concealed heart.

We used to make memories during summer
We were careless and free and aimless and wild
I miss those days
Of teenage wonder
Of endless summers
Of stealing dresses from fashion boutiques
Smoking **** from receipts
Collecting smashed ciggarettes
We coughed until we laughed
We loved until we cried
And we drank so much
We felt like we could fly
Through all the tears and confusion we made it through
Into adulthood..