When you're a child,
Life is in technicolor
But as you grow older
A film of grey gradually wears the color away
Dampening your senses
Until your synapses weaken, burdened by drudgery

You become all mind
Deciphering all of the time
Caged by contemplation,
Causing a slow soul erasure

I want to feel what it's like to be a child again
To be fully present and aware of every felt sensation
But my body is tired,
And with fatigue the mind becomes a narrowed point
Of seeking to meet the most basic of needs:
Work, Sleep, Eat
On an endless rotation,
Leaving no time for child-like play.

Please please please.

Hallowed eyes,
Blue marble skies,
Amber pond in the sun,
Dark embers of a fire
Looking, searching
The landscape

Rugged hands,
Mountains with sharp rocks pointing to the sky
Callouses resembling caverns
In which I rest

It’s reassuring
To stay
Caught in this web of vines
It’s reassuring
Caught, searching,
Feeling my way through
Dancing in the water.

Soft and sweet,
Vibrant, complete
Feel the heat of the August sun,
My knees burnt,
Mind is cooled,
Sweet tea, sipping,
Summer recluse

Walking, talking, having fun
The summer is for everyone
Heat in city streets
Having music carries by humidity,
Back home on a train,
Rain

Goodbye summer, it was fun
I'll miss you
Warm, hot sun.

Good or bad,
Everything falls apart
Everything is within the cycle of life—
Being born, growing and dying
There are many rebirths, new growths and mini deaths experienced throughout each persons life

That’s all I can really expect from this life:
That things will change

It will feel like most things have stayed the same
Like this sharp pain in my brain
But really, though the script has stayed relatively the same
The characters have aged,
Their hearts are frayed
My mind is slightly disarrayed

All I can do
Is swallow my pain whole
And surrender it to the great poet in the sky
Maybe she could rewrite the ending
Before I truly die.

I bathe myself in hope,
Pastel bubbles run down my skin
And enter in through my crevices

This hope reaches through to my darkness
This darkness like a split off part of myself
Head down, body contracted, heart wounded
My hope reaches my darkness
And offers it healing,
And my darkness gradually, cautiously
Blossoms to the buoyant light of hope.

Where does my inspiration come from?
My broken heart...
There are cracks in my heart
Made by deep sadness
That’s where the inspiration slips through
A melody emanating from my heart
Is released through the cracks

It’s bittersweet, it always will be
Sometimes the melody is pure, unaltered joy
Other times it’s agonzing sadness
But no matter what song spills through the cracks of my heart
If I allow it,
It makes me become more human

If I resist the song,
Because I don’t want to experience it
Then I close myself of
From the beautiful symphony of life.

I love you,
The Risen One
I love you,
You are the fire in my heart
I love you,
You revived me after years of grief
I love you,
You sheltered me through every storm
I love you,
You guide me through this treacherous world

Please never leave me,
Though I often forget you
Please quell my anxieties,
Quiet the violent waves within,
Reassure me that you’re with me
Guide me into your serenity.

Amen.

This hollow darkness,
My smile is a veil
No one understands me
My soul is growing ill

I'm an island,
Secluded and alone
Every ounce of my being is screaming out
My lips don't make a sound

I deny this darkness
It's too much to bare alone
But I don't know how to dissolve it
I need arms to hold me that are not my own

My burdens are like bricks
That I carry on my back
I grow wearisome
But I can't cut myself slack

I've been lost in the maze of my heart,
I need to be set free
I'm so confused
I need some saving

I don't seek simple solutions,
Pep talks and self help
I need deep down healing--
Wisdom, not wealth

I know God will see me through,
I'll just have to listen
I can't keep losing myself
Betraying myself by the deception of kissing.

The red sun sets on the horizon
Making the trees on the hilltops shadowy figures outlined in gold

The flowers sing their final song for the day
They’ll shut their petals
Until tomorrow
When the new light of dawn will rise again

Then the promise will be fulfilled
Once again
As it is every new day
With its every promise
Rising and setting,
Rising and setting.

Everyday of my life
Is a practice in rising and setting,
Making the small daily adjustments
That are in alignment with
Fulfilling the ultimate promise.
It’s in fulfilling the little promises
That the ultimate promise can come to pass.

If I could tell her the things I see
When she’s not here....

Her boyfriend is my friend,
Don’t worry, I don’t like him
He’s a flirt,
Hungry for attention
But when I see him act like this
All I see is a love-broke beggar

She’s thousands of miles away,
But she’ll be back soon,
Probably by the end of June
They have a long distance relationship,
Attached to a screen,
It’s like his girlfriend is trapped within a machine

He picks me up to go to a social gathering
I laugh with my friends,
But I can’t help noticing
Him saddling up to attractive women

He makes them laugh
And calls them pretty
I look on with disgust, not envy
For it’s his girlfriend that I pity

I want to scold him,
Tell him what he does isn’t right
Why is he seeking superficial attention,
When he has a great girl who is a refreshing source of life?

Boy, how I've dreamt of you
Waited like a damsel distress
For you to rescue my worn out soul
I ache for your succulent lips
To revive me with your sweet honey kiss
For your porcelain fingertips to graze my bare skin hungry for love
For you to look into my eyes
Past my facade of calculated charm
To see my beautifully wounded self trying to break through to you
Hold me, you fool
Let me unravel in your arms
I'm tired, my dear
Let me rest in your embrace.

Sitting quietly
But my mind's on fire
I'm done with being a slave
You don't have to agree with me
I'm stealthily peeling off my chains
Pretending that I'm still okay with the status quo,
That I'm still going along with the flow,
No.
I'm going against the current,
But it's taking everything within me
To break free.
But I refuse to be a slave
To the crumbling systems
Of this society.

What is love?
Is it the outstretched hand of grace,
Helping those who are abandoned and in pain?
Is love the magnetic pull between lovers,
Enchanting both into a realm of splendor?
Or is it the inner calm,
That fills you while you witness God paint the sky
magnificent colors?
Is love the moments in which
The dam of your heart bursts open
Because life is so bittersweetly beautiful?
Surely,
I can't reckon which one is true,
But love must be true
Inherently
Maybe it's a mixture of mind and heart
That leads to the conclusion of love
For true love
Can neither be rash
Nor too cold
It must be balanced,
And directed by the Soul.

I can't quite express it
I'm experiencing an outpouring of ideas--
Passions of mine
That have been latent,
Locked down under feelings of
Insecurity and a sense of not being enough.
But the dam that kept my potential locked away
Has cracked.
And a surge of
Beautiful, magical
Passion is bursting through me,
Searching for soil
To plant all my ideas in
So they can grow, gradually,
With the nurture provided by my Passion's
Exuberant love.

Take my hands and give them power
Let supernatural gifts
flow through both my mouth and fingertips
Enrapture me with your love
May it radiate through my being
Transcending beyond my earthly cares
To penetrate the veil of this existence
So all present can witness
A reality beyond the mediocrity
of humdrum living

I've mulled over countless explanations in my mind
Trying to understand
The anatomy of healing
But spiritual perception has a tendency to bleed
through the confines of controlled analysis
It can be difficult to quell nagging doubts
When the subject matter is so elusive

But I want it
I want to operate in the supernatural
I intensely desire the ability
to be in constant communion with the Divine
I want to impact the world for good
with a love that comes only from God
I surrender myself completely
For I find no lasting pleasure in carnal pursuits
I find it only in
communion with God
and when I am ministering healing and liberation
to people weighed down by heavy burdens,
like I once was
It's in the moments when I'm fully surrendered to God
and living within the center of his purpose for me
That my heart feels like it has palpable rays
That are shooting forth
Ever-widening my heart
And encompassing me within a shower of
everlasting love pouring down on me
and the entire universe
But your heart needs to be cracked open
and humbled
before you can experience this ever pervasive and
present shower of love
Your spiritual sensitivities
must be awakened once again
and attuned to see
God.

My wounds come to me as offerings,
Inviting me to journey into my deepest brokenness to excavate the lessons in my wounds and ultimately heal them.

I walked down memory lane
Pictures appeared on either side of me
Photographs from times past of
Smiles and laughing
Crying and pain
It's all come and past
Everything is ephemeral
I rode the waves of all these experiences
But the waves have crashed on the sand
Life is tranquil now,
and unplanned

My head is full of echoes
of these memories
I'm a marionette
Controlled by my past
In all my dreams
I am back in my glory days,
Stuck there
On rewind,
Trying to find a way out

I had dreams then
I grew up but the dreams
Never became fulfilled
So I regressed
So I could still find
Solace in my dreams
For my dreams feel impossible to fulfill
in current time
But they still seem attainable
When I'm viewing them through the lens
of my past self

I find comfort in who I used to be,
Now I am an ambiguous being
Not sure of who I am
and where I am going
Listless and lost
Numb, merely existing
Without any real drive
Reality is the water to my fiery passions
I've strived for so long
to bring my dreams into fruition
But reality has cooled my idealistic zeal
And left me spiritless.

There was a time in my life
When I was beaten down, broken, lost
and left for dead.
All those who I thought were my friends
left me when I needed them most.
But before they left,
they blamed me for my suffering.
I was all alone,
abandoned and bleeding on the side of the road
I thought that this was it.
I thought I was taking my last dying breath.

But something happened.
A person I couldn't identify in my wounded state
picked me up off the hot asphalt
I lost consciousness in this stranger's arms
And when I came to
I was in a cabin
On a leather sofa
In front of a roaring fire.
The stranger came over to me
and offered me water.
When I took the glass from his hand
I saw there were round wounds on both of his hands
As my vision unclouded gradually
I noticed that his face had terrible welts
leading down to his neck.
"Are you okay?" I asked, concerned
He laughed endearingly
and said to me:
"Yes, dear. This is the price I paid for all of humanity."
I am confused yet intrigued,
and I ask him to expound on what he's said.
He looks into my eyes,
and there is a split moment in which I experience
this deep sense of recognition,
But my cognitive mind
is having trouble piecing together
these nebulous inklings.
He begins: "You are not alone in your experience
of being scorned, abused, abandoned and wrongly accused."
I look at him puzzled,
for he is merely a altruistic stranger
Who has quite literally saved my life.
But I begin to feel anxious,
wondering how he could possibly know so much about me.
He continues: "I too have experienced all this. I was sent to earth from Heaven by my Father to teach people what unconditional love really is. Since humans are marred by sin, they are incapable of expressing God's kind of love in its purest form. This is why my Father sent me. To embody this Love and liberate people with the Truth of this Love."
"But there were many who hated me for delivering Love and Truth to a dying world. I disrupted the status quo. All these people who had been seeking God religiously rejected God when he came to them in the flesh."
"This all culminated with one of my closest friends deceiving me and delivering me into the hands of my enemies. I was innocent, absolutely blameless, yet they found fault in my purity. They found fault in my refusal to bow down to and conform myself to their customs of *******. I see this spirit in you also. I see this unwillingness to conform and follow along mindlessly with everyone else. You are wise for this. But the world also hates you for exactly this reason."
Tears well up in my eyes,
And I can't keep myself from wailing.
No one has ever known me so well.
But this is a stranger.
I ask him: "Tell me, who are you? What is your name?"
He responds: "I am the Son of God, Jesus of Nazareth.
I know your suffering intimately,
For I was wounded for your transgressions
I was bruised for your iniquities
So that by my stripes you are healed.
I was a blameless man
Who took on myself
The entire punishment of this fallen world
So that you, a wretched sinner,
Can become blameless in the eyes of God
and be set free
from the consequences of sin
which is death.
Though you've been abandoned and left for dead
By this fallen and corrupt world
Keep your focus entirely on God.
Laugh in the face of your every trial,
For what power do dire circumstances have over God?
God will supply you with
His joy, courage and love
in abundance,
Equipping you to spread the seeds
Of this revolutionary truth
about God's unconditional love
to a love-starved world.
Just as I have overcome death,
I have made you an overcomer as well.
Where there is an abundance of light
there can be no trace of darkess.
The darkness of this world
Was overcome by my light.
Chose to accept this legacy of light
and follow in my footsteps."

Pianist playing right now,
thank you for quieting the storm in my mind
It's moments like this one
That cause me to believe in God
Right when I felt like I couldn't bare the storm
within for one second more
You sat down at the piano
in the room next door.

I woke up early this morning
to find thorny vines
wrapped around me
The thorns pierced deeply
into my flesh
I howled,
My broken flesh bled
I lay tangled in a heap,
helpless on my bed

I finally wriggled myself free
I ran up to my mirror
to see
bruises and open wounds
All over my body
I fell to the ground and cried,
Because I saw myself
as ugly and broken
Who could ever love
Someone as hideous as me?

I cleared my bed of the thorny vines
And curled up into a ball on my white sheets
I left the world far behind
as I drifted off into
a silent world
of sleep.

My body bears the scars,
but it's my heart that bleeds.

When I'm in my pain
I feel as if I could bear
a thousand scars
and still survive.

As one realization after another
rose up in me and wrecked my mind,
while remembering their loveless behavior
I suddenly understood that
Letting go
starts with the truth.

the dancers
dance in unison
the sun is their pinnacle
they reach for it,
with arms outstretched
towards a sky painted magnificent hues
of orangey blues and bold violets

my mind follows them
dreams of them
my heart yearns for them
I see the dancers in my mind
they're siphoning my time,
my energy,
all my other desires runs dry
I lay restless in my bed,
as elaborate dancing plays in my mind's eye

I drift off into slumber finally,
when I can no longer fend off sleep
I find myself in a dance studio
twirling wildly
hands raised in reverence
for life itself
I stop abruptly
and step up to the mirror
I make eye contact with myself
time seems to stop
it feels like these moments
of solitude
are when I'm most alive,
most known,
understood,
cherished,
seen.

I walk over to the large window
overlooking the city
storm clouds have formed
people go about their business
down below
they look like little ants
frantically on the go.
I press my cheek to the glass
and close my eyes
what a delight it is,
to find safety within the
interior of my mind.

A secret collapsed behind ribs,
Tucked back into the furthest recesses
Sitting, contemplating
Commiserating herself
Her thoughts are finches that encircle her mind
Chirping, chirping
Making her blind

When you're lost in thought
It's hard to see
The world around you, and all of
it's possibility
When you're scared to hurt
You're scared to live
Living in a container
Of premeditated caution

What would it be like
To live a shackles free life?
To taste joy again,
To feel the child you suppressed within
Get to experience life again
Through grateful eyes,
A hungry heart
and a mischievous mind....

There is no need to wallow in regret,
We all have times when we're stagnant
But break down the dam to your heart,
Let the waters flow free!
You were meant for so much more
Than mediocrity.

The waves, they roll
Onto the shore
I walk, step by step
Keeping with the rhythm of my heart

The ocean swirls and sputters,
Playing with my toes
Translucent teal water,
Reflecting the hue of my soul

I walk into the ocean,
My white dress floats above my body,
I continue to walk,
Further, into the cold water

The sun is setting,
A red heart shining in the sky,
I reach to touch Her,
If only I could fly

I let the tide carry me out
As I float upon the water,
Carry me out to sea
Dissolve all my borders.

It's not you against me, can't you see?
It's not blacks against whites,
Men against women,
Refugees against citizens
Religious against non-religious
Conservatives against liberals
Democrats against Republicans....
We're at war with our humanity

Oftentimes I catch myself thinking:
"I hate humans"
I can understand why I feel this way sometimes
Humans can be so cruel
I've been bullied, rejected, abandoned,
slandered, ignored,
left alone to fend for myself
I understand the deep reverberating pain
of our sick society,
I know from experience

I know what it feels like to be "othered,"
to be misunderstood
To be dealing with so much pain and
darkness
and have people shame you
for what you're going through

I've seen and known evil
I've seen it destroy those I love
I've witnessed it eat away slowly
at my own soul
during the times
I was blinded by darkness,
By my own sin
By my own insignificant suffering

And yet, I've been the perpetrator too
Shame overwhelms me
As I recount
When I was tyrannical,
unforgiving,
judgemental,
cruel,
self-righteous,
a gossiper,
a slanderer,
un-loving....
I can be a very idealistic person,
And talk all about
How we all have to love each other more
And REALLY follow Jesus,
like abandon our comfortable lifestyles
for the sake of the gospel,
And yet what am I doing?
When I spew these ideologies,
I'm thinking of how I would benefit if everyone
loved me more,
was there for me more....
I'm telling everyone to become the people
I think I need them to be for me
But what if what I'm telling everyone else to be for me
Is exactly what I have to be for myself?

Orange sun-ripened
Bliss
Heaven dripping down my lips
Streaming down my sun-kissed skin.

“I suppose I’m just shy”
I think to myself,
As I cave into myself,
Or rather fold into myself.
I look up at them.
Some I am fond of,
Such as the retired nurse,
Laugh lines creased in her face.
Others I am subtly repulsed by,
Vitriol bubbles up in me
As I observe his behavior
That I find unseemly,
Especially since vestigial emotions
Of lust
Are connected to him in my psyche.

I don’t know,
I don’t know how to feel.
That’s a funny way to put it,
Because is there a particular way a person must feel?
I wonder from where our final decisions originate from.
I wonder why I am internally perplexed,
Not satisfied.
I wonder what can help me.
I see people who also suffer
With my sense of discontent and disconnection
But their ways of dealing with it
Don’t seem to heal
Their dissatisfaction.
If anything,
These people who seek therapies
For their woes
Only seem to fall further into the pit
They had found themselves in.
The labels psychologists
So frivolously bestow onto them
Have become a ball and chain
On their identity
Causing them to fall
Down the endless void of their suffering.

I just so vividly perceive a sickness in society,
And it makes me want to jump out of my skin
I don’t know….
Because oft times I find myself
Surrounded by people
Who easily pontificate,
Stepfords who don’t
Show any sign of a spark of Life
People who religiously
Play out their learned roles
From childhood,
Until their last moment on earth,
Never really going off script,
Never really having a desire to.

Now, I feel as if it’s almost unfair
That I had to feel these ways I do,
That I can see the world for what it really is.
But when I say this,
I know in a sense I am wrong,
Because my mind is just one mind
Synthesizing my reality through the
Scope of past experiences .
But why do I have to have this orientation?
Why can’t I just live a simple-minded life,
Like before?
Why must I always be searching for truth,
Searching for the reason why we’re here,
Searching for purpose,
For a deeper meaning behind all this?
Can I just forget?
Can I just forget and go back to a simpler time?

A simpler time
When the real world
Was the only world I was truly concerned about
It’s simple, straight-forward beauties
Nourished my soul enough.
I didn’t have any pressing need to
Explore unknown realms of the esoteric.
The natural world already had so much available to explore
And discover.
I was satisfied.
I was content.

But the anxieties of youth
And the horrific pains
Of childhood abuse
Created within me an incessant need
To improve myself.
First it began with makeup.
I caked layers and layers of makeup
On my acne filled preteen face.
Then I delved into the mind altering world
Of drugs,
With an emphasis on hallucinogens
Which was just another way to escape reality.
Just a mask of concealer that I could hide away under,
As my mind’s fantasies--
Fantasies that I could manipulate at will,
Became more real than reality--
A reality that I had known primarily to be
Cold and unforgiving.
But eventually the drugs took control of me,
And fate made it so
That I had to stop.

Finally, spirituality.
The final frontier, at least for me.
The most compelling of them all.
Absolutely endless and seemingly
Without dangerous side effects (not so)
Just another delusion I bought into, it feels.
But not quite.
There isn’t yet an ending
For this segment of my life.
I’m not sure
If there will be an ending to it.
I’m trying to find a way to actualize it though,
Instead of it being
Just another extension
Of my hopeless orientation to get lost
In daydreams.
I’m attempting to call this new chapter of my life
That I am currently writing,
The “Love in Action” chapter.

Well,
That’s it, I suppose
I don’t know why I make myself do things I don’t want to do,
Which inevitably makes my mind
Disengage
But anyway,
I guess I just want to become “real” in this lifetime,
And heal,
And stop searching so much,
And go back to the innocence,
The carefreeness,
The quiet joy and contentment
Of my childhood.
American culture is such
That EVERYTHING that can be commodified
Will be commodified.
So, I have to cut myself free
From the hypnosis of capitalism,
From the ideologies of the white man
So I can be lighter,
Flow through life with more ease,
Unaffected by this world’s disease.

Dear Me,

This path you have decided to take
isn't going to be easy
I know you feel as if
You didn't have a say in choosing this path
But this is exactly what you signed up for
Before you incarnated

But I will be here for you
When your world of illusions
Come crashing to the ground
Again and again
You build and cling to
New worlds of illusions
When your old ones have crumbled
What if you stopped frantically building,
And started trusting
That this process of unbecoming
Is precisely what you need,
What you you came here for

Though your path will be painful,
It will also be full of joy
Moments of beauty you would never experience
If you were burdened by an Ego
steering your life
This is why you must detangle yourself
From all the false notions
You have attached to yourself,
And heal

Because I want you to
Dance in the rain and
Cry in the sun
And be fully present through it all,
Embracing your bittersweet humanity
Opening yourself to being
A beacon of light.

Dear Me,
I love you dearly
Things will change drastically
from this point forward,
But I don't want you to be scared
I'll hold you in my arms
Through it all,
You're braver than you know,
You're heart is going to grow
So big and wide,
But you can no longer hide
You will get to know intimately
The most blissful ecstasy
and the darkest nights
But I will always be here to guide you,
And whisper:
"Everything will be alright,
You will survive through this,
And not just survive but grow
So don't fear losing people and things
Only fear that you would ever deny your call
To Love on this planet earth."

Love,
You

Love is what some may call a strange drug,
But this definition of love
Is not what I will be writing about
What if love is life itself,
Transient,
But like air filling our lungs,
Slowly, deliberately,
A spark of life caught within me

My mind isn't much good
When it comes to figuring life out,
I kept trying on different denominations
of Christianity
But that was like
Me being attracted to a certain type of man,
Though they all had their differences,
Their core was the same
I tried to force myself
To connect to the core,
But I just can't....
It's not for me,
Not for who I truly am

We think we know people, but we never really do
Yet we shouldn't feel lonely
Over this realization
Connection isn't hindered by a lack of merging
It's actually kind of fantastic,
To know
That what is considered to be you,
This person with this name,
this identity
With these memories and experiences
Can't be replicated,
That our essence
Is as brilliantly unique
As a snowflake or
Our fingerprints

I used to steal money for drugs
I was hungry for love
There was just too much I had gone through,
And not enough help available to me
I reached out my hands seeking help,
I did
But people,
People with their problems,
Their trivial lives,
Caught in the web
Of never enough
Always seeking more to
add to their plastic kingdom
People who write half-assed posts on Facebook
About changing the world
After they sustain some social tragedy,
But never really do
Help others,
ever

I realized this
When I was suffering,
Almost dying,
Some help,
I can't deny that
But most turn away
Eyes full of scorn
Shaming you for suffering in the first place

I don't know what to do about this world anymore,
Because I still find myself
Sobbing alone
Having emotions from my past,
Rise in me, suddenly
Like violent waves
Giving me no other option
But to ride them
And I think to myself,
As the remembered emotions
Settle down
And I can breathe again
"I lived through that,
And I'm still here."

Now,
though I've learned to touch beauty within myself,
Cultivate it like a garden,
Almost creating beauty out of thin air
I still yearn to touch beauty in the real world,
And I know there is plenty of beauty
Woven into the earth,
Like in the trees, and my bare feet on grass,
Butterflies and my crazy *** dog yanking my arm,
Always reminding me to keep moving forward
But I want to touch beauty in people again,
But people are so wounded
And I'm so wounded
And armored
and scared
To touch the core of love again
Because you touch it
And it enraptures you,
Until it doesn't
And you're left all alone again,
Sitting within the desolation of your mind
Silence drumming against all the doors of your mind
Like an unwelcome visitor.
There are too many lonely people.
I am one of them.

I can blame myself for my loneliness,
Say that I isolated myself,
That I had the propensity to
Because shame was a demon
that had possessed me almost entirely
But that's not completely true
I did put myself out there,
Knocking on doors like a vagrant,
Begging for just one person to let me in to
the interior of their heart
And hold my mangled heart too
But I found so many closed doors,
And when someone did open their door,
We would fall into the familiar dance
Of the family dynamics we were raised in
I always felt short-changed,
used, not seen or heard or loved
So I hid.
Isolation is living in an abandoned car
On the side of a road that no one every drives down
In the frigid winter

I want to write a happy ending to this poem,
But right now everything is bittersweet,
And so that's better than before
When isolation ruled my life
Yet my desire
for real, honest connection
Warms me
And is like a compass
Deep within me
Showing me in which direction I must go
To find again
The roaring fire of Love.
I long to be warmed by.

My mind was a dry well,
But it has rained
Finally
I feel my heartbeat
sustaining me
I'm so alive,
I almost can't believe it,
Everything is so beautiful,
I'm savoring it.

These times of solitude are for growth,
Hours of writing, listening to music, reading, creating
Sometimes it can get lonesome and I'll feel bored
But I also sense deeply that this time is pivotal
to my development into the person I'm called to be in this world
It's a gestation period,
Where I'm being carried in the safety of God's womb
Until I'm mature enough
To embody and walk out
Everything I am learning.

Sheer red fabric, embroidered with gold
Rested upon her brown skin,
The peaks and valleys of her body
Sharp edges that descend into soft slopes
Dimensions of her,
Like a living, breathing desert

Her heart is a ruby,
Sought after, rare
She is more than her beauty,
Her sturdy body
Her feet are strong roots
Connected to the earth
Even as she dances,
Twirling round and round
Her hair is dark and dense with curls
Her eyes are wide
And hold in them the entirety of the world's suffering

Her lips speak truth
Like honey pouring through them
She is Spirit embodied,
Red and strong and beautiful
Mystic in skin,
Her Soul is a flame rising.

I walk barefoot
Down the wooden trail
Golden sunlight peeks through the canopy of trees
Making my skin pearlescent green

Birds above me,
Chattering and clattering
Bold blues, striking reds, electric yellows
Flit through the sky
A woodpecker up above,
Drumming against a tree
I soak in every delicious detail
of sight and sound
Enveloping me

The forest calls me deeper,
And into it I must go
I know I will lose what I have now
But I'm willing to lose it all
In order to grow
I don't care so much about external decorations anymore,
Flowers for my stem
I need deep roots more than I need flowers right now,
But I'll have both in the end

I'll jump down the rabbit hole,
Get lost in the splendor
Of a lifetime adventure
Release all illusions of control,
Free falling, arms wide open--
Deeper I shall go.

An orange orb encircles the periphery,
A sunset on a cliff
Torrential rain
Muddies the orange hues.
This cliff is for remembering
Things that must be remembered,
To be embodied, and then
Let go of
By dissolution

The cumulonimbus clouds
Must release rain
In order to dissolve.
You too,
Must process
All of your trauma
To be free from it
So you can become like the sky
After a storm
During a sunset.

Glowing faces
In beautiful destinations
Saying "Pay me so I can show you how to live like me"
Give them your money, your time
Their joyous lives fill your Instagram feed,
Filling you with a insatiable need
To consume what the lifestyle they are selling

Life coaches, spiritual masters, transformation guides
All these people who've got the life
While you turn to them
Through your screen
Looking to them to tell you what life means
They say "Pay up, happiness isn't free"
And you scramble in search for money,
Because they say they sell what you need

You work your nine to five,
And live your tired life
You try to make ends meet
Your kids are ungrateful,
Never looking up from their myriad screens
Your husband left you
In search of a woman who looks like she could be in her teens
You eat your ramen, no, it's not gluten free
You wonder how your life got to this--
In two words: Miserable drudgery

You go on social media,
Look at all these lifestyle gurus
Talking about how happy they are
That they could burst at the seams
They've got the money,
And the perfect honey
And the luxuries,
They take selfies on distant beaches,
Smiling cheek to cheek
They are happy
And they are trying to sell you their lifestyle

They create e-courses, e-books, e-everything-and-anythings
On how to follow what they did
to become so happy, so wealthy, so blessed
It's all a mindset, they teach
You can get anything you desire
If you work hard enough for it

It's a revolution,
With all these self love lifestyle gurus
Infiltrating social media
But are we selling our souls,
To these people
who don't truly understand
What it's like to be you?
What it's like to be financially poor,
Abandoned and lonely,
Unattractive by society's standards,
I'm not saying they haven't been through
their own stuff,
But can you really commodify a lifestyle?
Can you put a price tag on helping others?
Especially when that price tag is thousands of dollars?
This help is for the privileged,
And those that need help the most
will go without,
as usual

I guess I just crave humility
In this selfie culture,
I truly ache for authenticity,
Real helping,
Real healing,
And not all of this showiness,
Disguised as expressing gratitude for your amazing life
On social media

Perhaps we can all wake up
From the spectacular little daydream of our own lives
To the reality of the worldwide suffering going on right at this moment
Maybe if we stopped posting about the atrocities on the news,
Got off our phones
And did something to change our world,
Things would be different.

I have existed within the womb
for four years now
I needed to
Before I had escaped back into the womb
I had experienced the harshest realities
Splitting me open
As if I were a frog being dissected
By a cold scientist named Life

I cried in that womb,
Most times I wanted to leave
Before I was ready,
Before I was fully developed
Before I was equipped to face
Both the harsh realities and
The splendid beauties
Of an earthly existence

I was a rose bud,
Tightly wound,
Not ready to open
Coaxing myself to open,
To be ready
Never did the trick

Only linear time
Got me to where I needed to be

These things take time

But patience was never a strength of mine
Yet,
Now I'm beginning to understand
The river of Life
And how it flows,
And how I simply must allow it
To go

And with every passing groove I grow
Incrementally,
And then all at once

The baby makes its way through the birth canal,
The flower blooms

My heart awakens
And now I'm ready
To follow her.

I can't fake it
When I think of you I hate it
There isn't an eloquent way to say it
I've known suffering intimately
By way of my fellow humanity
So tell me,
Why should I open my heart again,
To let another human in?

We’re taught that real learning is found in structured classrooms
with strict curriculum,
Where old textbooks are graffitied with the names of lost loves and broken dreams
And young social animals
try to find their place within their peers hierarchy

But maybe learning is more than what we find
within the dark halls of school
Maybe learning is truly out there in the real world

It's not all about acing tests
And a perfect GPA
Life’s about
Becoming more human,
Trying, risking, possibly failing
And growing through it all….
And even in our darkest times,
deciding to not close our hearts

School teaches us a lot about competition and perfected performance,
But maybe we ought to reach for something beyond this
Book smarts are vital,
Yet I think we need something more--
Possibly,
A real world education for our hearts.

I got a shimmering glimpse into eternity
It was so bright I could barely see
Compared to the world I know,
Eternity is a dazzling diamond
Shining brilliantly
While earthly existence
Is a dark coal,
Hard like asphalt,
Unyielding and cruel.

I want to hook myself into
a wire of sorts
So I can plug into
the Eternal
Whenever I want,
Which of course,
is always.

Sometimes, do you feel like you spiral?
Like your sadness is a whirlpool ******* you in?
I know,
Because I feel that,
Often

But then I remind myself
That I have more control than I think
I have so very much to be grateful for,
And it's on these things I must dwell

Some days, when my mood is low
I just have to be gentle with myself
and go with the flow
It's difficult
Because I'm used to pushing myself
to feel happy all the time
But maybe I'm getting tired of the act,
Maybe I'm making peace
With not being okay.

Sand brown walls,
Quiet,
Spacious,
The lights of christmas adornments
Travel through the floor to ceiling windows

I sit in silent wonder,
The children are asleep
I feel my body,
In this vast
Empty expanse

This silence makes me think of things,
It makes me wonder

I open the sliding glass door
To see is darkness weaving its way through towering trees
I look up in awe,
Surrendered reverence
To a world not quite seen
But enveloping the one I know
Through my mind and senses

But I can still feel this other world
Whispering to me
Bestowing me with a desire to explore this greater reality
Almost as if I were a visionary,
Seeking to merge with the Divine
In wholeness,
To experience completion

I closed the door, for now
But I will go back,
I will do more than visit
I want to vibrantly exist there
While still fully human
On this earth,
A human vessel
Carrying the Divine within,
Pouring it generously out
Onto anyone who asks for it.

No,
I say
Nah, it couldn't be
Yeah, my insecurities are wrecking me
Keeping me safe,
Or so I thought
Yeah,
The most uncertain aspect of my life
Includes you

But tonight
I'll make a calculated jump,
Anyway,
I've been making a lot of leaps lately
Trusting that something will catch me

Cause I know I'll have to take some risks,
To get to where I want to be.

I want to paint pictures with my lips
Run to the surface
Break through to the precipice
Of belief,
On an orb
Rotating

And my head is rotating too
It's like my mind is a carousel
Spinning round and round
My universe
Is turning inside out
All I can hear is screams,
Is there anyone out there
Who can feel me?

Grappling with unreality
It's funny to laugh about
Things I did as a teen
But really,
What does it mean?
To move in motions
That don't exist anymore
Why am I exploring a past,
That was only once mine,
And what the hell is time?

What's ancient is in the dirt,
And really,
There's no such thing as poetry
Or therapy
Or reason
Just endless dances with the seasons
Just trying to make sense
Of the endless hurting
Just cracking through your hardened skin
To breathe again

Oh, if I could paint pictures to make them understand--
Make an installation of my mind
Then maybe I'd be understood
Maybe I'd know myself too
But for now
Life is chaos inside me.

Cascading blue,
swelling into the open spaces
My mind is a muse
A flame, untainted

I dream of you,
You're like the morning fog
So tangible
But you escape my grasp

Kiss me, like sunflowers dying
Don't abandon
What's already forsaken
So stay here, awaken

"**** feelings" I mutter
'Cause it's hard to fathom
Why a woman like me
Would have these imaginings.

I like things that are bad for me
I just have to be honest

I'm not saying it's okay
To be attracted to the chaos

But it feels like a magnet pulling me,
Constantly

A life of addictions
Always has me questioning my sanity

I want to have hope
For a day when I won't feel this way

When I will be able
To articulate my truth clearly

Saying yes to love resolutely,
And no to hatred-- without exceptions.

Sapphire feathers cloak me
My back to the sun, golden
Heart like an emerald glowing,
Heart like an emerald glowing

Twilight, soft and yellow
My chest, rising-- up and down
Creatures chattering
My mind doesn't make a sound

I think I remember
As I force forgetting
I feel I remember
Eyes closed, transported to an ethereal setting

Whence I came
From the womb
Encased deep within my mother
Germinating, preparing to bloom

But was there existence before the womb?
Was I first a notion
To be planted into this earthly reality
Manifested in flesh and designed for divine devotion?

I don't know
But in some ways
My life feels like a testament
to a ubiquitous force of love and grace

I've given up religion
But still I worship
I'm simply grateful to be alive
In this experience so perfect.