what i've learned once treading on this path of the writing endeavour: i've become more of a stranger to myself, and a friend unto strangers; perplexing as it sounds, it nonetheless is the foremost acquaintance in experiencing, and fiddling with the medium.
which is, i dare say, so anti-socratic -
but the socratic method is all talk -
writing? hardly the reason to designate
a knowledge of a self -
primarily? a method of unknowing -
or, should i say: the nautical perspective
of searching unseen & unheard of sights -
perhaps even a 5 blind men's guess
at an elephant, or quiet simply:
mining; imagine, to the distaste of the local,
how a "posh" accent sounds in
essex, the land of dubious tongue-effigies...
how the english language *in totalis
looks like a disfigured tongue sculpture,
but if i were a native: there would be
no outsider ref. to cling to with
crab-like pincers,
or bullterrier jawline grip;
first you break the spirits, then you
settle on sniffing crushed ivory.
and yes, i'll always think of the nigerian
chinua achebe calling joseph conrad
a "****** racist" - by now i'm past being
concerned being called out in some bogus,
if not macabre bingo game...
that "label" is worth to me as much as
a hello, my name is... badge -
there's no honour in it -
then again, i think about a white man
being racist over the spilled-beans of
looking at an albino... esp. one with an afro...
i have this memory, you see,
this mongrel of a polish girl in school,
art class, and she mentioned something
that still sticks to me like a leech...
no, not the similarity of south asian and african
noses, with the flattened lateral cartilage,
say any african and the malaysians...
this ***** dug deep...
she said: oh, these poles don't have the perfect
african bone sculpture of the africans,
do they? what she meant, and yes, i agree,
was the not-so-protruding occipital -
yes, it's not as well "formed" as other skulls,
i guess that just adds to the pressure of
whatever the back of the brain is intended
for... a deformity? don't know -
what does that matter?
but these early quasimodo implants of perception
i.e. akin to the toothfairy / red dragon
start to bug you after a while -
what's imperfect is celebrated -
and what's almost perfect: well -
that just goes into the dumpster -
a pile of hot ****, a feast for fly dump of
concentrated maggot(s).
which coincides with another thing -
i can stomach german existentialism,
i can stomach the pish-poor french version
(compared with the richness of the russian
novel)...
i can stomach swedish cinematic take on
existentialism...
what i can't stand is the english version,
i.e. primarily the aversion to the already
stated versions...
english existentialism has become
a desperate cry - to me english existentialism
is not fit for conversation,
it's not lecture and it's most certainly not
cafe talk, there is no: in the time & in the space
occupied...
english existentialism is
non tempus non locus - sure, a precursor of
philosophy, but also the same mouth that
bites into a chicken bone with gums, but no teeth!
to me, what i hear is an existential blackmail,
and the skipping rope chaos of moving from
the three prime pillars in the anglophone world:
evolutionary biology, the big bang and
(depending where you are): either the magna carta
or the declaration of independence;
me? my universe began yesterday,
it will end today, and will begin once more tomorrow,
heri, nunc, cras...
yesterday, today, tomorrow;
and frankly, i'll settle for that,
but i'll also settle for akin to voltaire's observation
that the english are a nation of shopkeepers...
sure... and they're also the most ardent
naturalists.
as we know french love pastry dough,
the italians love pasta, and the germans love metal;
further east it's ***** baby, *****.
- a pole and a hungarian:
bracia, do kieliszka, i szabelki (brothers,
to a glass and to a saber).
besides that?
(look, i have to make this quick, i've got
a mushroom soup going, but i'm missing white wine,
parsley and double cream for the main course
of mustard chicken - sarekpsa, dijon &
bavarian mustards) -
and further will a kettle or
a stuffed toy travel from china to anywhere in
the western world, than a western idea
to china...
there are limitations on the export & import
of ideas...
esp. those that have no ethno-centric
"importance", rather an ethno-centric
trans-literary impotence...
sometimes language can't be managed
by a translation that's global / universal -
sometimes the black & white really does only
sink to the depth of skin...
after all: a white psyche is not a black psyche...
there is no universally robust uniformity of
a psyche in either jungian or freudian sentiments,
black music i can adore above classical,
but i have, perhaps only one or two books by
a black author...
will alexander & gil scott heron...
and that's about it...
hey, same ****, different cover elsewhere...
then again i double up on perplexity -
if this medium is the undifferentiated balance
of extremes i.e. white in all and black in lack -
what the hell could possibly be deemed
"racist" - notably the denial of one's nationalistic
struggle with the hindsight of that
current year, under either a tsar or a tsarina in
1857? and to think i loved a russian woman
once... once is enough.