Thantophobia
Noun.
The abnormal fear of death, whether it be your own or someone you love.

The thing is,

I do not fear my own death.
I fear the death of others...
         Of the ones I love.

Philanthropic devotion of your tears
To my self-asserted sense of importance
To the wake of a vessel leaving port forever
And the mighty sun sets where I saw you last
On the horizon, without looking back

But I stand in desert sands
It is all a mirage yet I remain alone
And so even my imagination holds truth
Time and time again I find myself alone
Whilst you are surrounded by love and prosperity

But is it true that I have lost you to the changing tides
To the trade wind's mighty gust?
Have you set sail and left me here to perish
Alone and breaching insanity?
Am I merely imagining falsehood in reality?

I had a fear
of losing you
so i engraved your name
in my heart so well
that even if you were gone
You'd have lived
in me
forever...

And  suddenly i forgot about my thantophobia as you promised you will stay till your last day…or maybe because when you lock eyes with me i felt like time has stopped and i can see the profundity/depth of emotions in  your eyes…or maybe still because you were the first person i felt so deeply for and connected to. But more of sudden the way you came so smoothly like a ghost without even breaking my defences, you left by the most dreadful way losing your interest by finding it in another. For months i felt awful, depressed lost somewhere in halcyon but the thought of evil and hurtful things always lead me to tears, yes you broke me.even though i won’t regret my first kiss, yes i still am a hiraeth (homesick for a home you can’t return to, or that never was). Still when i sit alone under the grey sky filled with heavy clouds, listening to sound of winds through trees, every minutiae crosses my mind making me smile and leaving a sweet heartache.

Now  my THANTHOPHOBIA (the phobia of losing someone you love) got  changed into PISTANTHROPHOBIA (the fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad )

-the girl you loved and left.