I...
I..
Aye aye aye.
I am..
What I am..
I am dracula.
And I bid you welcome
To the first day
of the rest of your
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of
The best of times, it was the worst of times,
No.
This time, it's personal.
Actually, there is no time
Like the
Present arms
Out as a gesture of good
Will you please just give me a line?
No.
I just have to think.
I just have to think.
I think,
Therefore I am
Saving a bunch of money on my car insurance.
And ba-da-ba-ba-ba I'm lovin' it!
And I love the smell of nav..
Navels in the morning.
And I like big butts and I cannot lie
How like I like what is in the work.
The chance to do unto others as you would
You please just give me a line?
Come on.
There's gotta be a line that
you..
B-line!
As the crow flies!
Because the longest way round is
The shortest way home.
And there's no place like home
Of the braves.
Brave.
I just gotta be brave
And keep this up
Up, and Away
Way better to
Reign in hell, than serve
Some of the other white meat.
Because no,
I can always just
Open up a can of worms,
Which by any other name
Would taste as sweet.
And just feast on life,
You know?
Because the way to a man's heart is through his
bloodstream.
Which is thicker than water.
So you can lead a horse to water,
But you can't make it
......
Walk on it.
And don't walk on eggshells.
Walk lively!
Walk on the moon!
Walk on cloud
Nine ways to skin a cat.
Because they make take our lives,
All nine,
But they'll never take our freedom
To go cuckoo for cocoa
Puff
The magic dragon,
Who lived by the
See what a tangled web we
We've got to stick together if we're
Gonna get through
This
Is the long and the short of it.
This, above all else,
To thine own self be
Ware the ides of march.
No.
To thine own self be
Or not to be,
That is the
...
...
something.
..
..
Something's rotten in denmark!
No, There's something on the wing!
No, something wicked this way
Come what, Come may,
Come Watson, come.
The game is afoot.
But frankly, my dear,
I don't give a ****.
Because you're ****** if you do,
And ****** if you
Don't you hear me calling for line?
Come one, it's survival of the fittest up here!
..
..
No, I'll just be strong.
I'll just be STRONG! Yeah, Army
Strong enough for man, but made for a woman,
Because you know what, honey,
it's not you.
It's me.
The number one prescribed band
Doctors choose most
for their night time,
sniffling,
Sneezing,
coughing,
aching,
stuffy-head,
Fever,
so you can rest medicine!
I'll be the king
In this world,
You gotta hope for the best,
And prepare for the worst,
And just take whatever god
Send me a line!
Please!
Thank you.
Avas me mateys,
Alas dear lads,
There she blows,
Off with her head,
But where's the cream filling?
I jest.
Rest assured you're in good hands with
All's fair in love and war
Because you gotta keep your friends close and your
Lovers closer,
Because hey.
Any friend of yours is a
Friends don't let friends drive!
So grab a plane!.
If he leaves and you're not on that plane,
you'll regret it.
Maybe not today,
Maybe not tomorrow,
But soon.
And for the rest of your
Life comes fast,
so grab
A horse! A horse!
My kingdom for a horse!
Or better yet, beam me up, Scotty!
Scotty.
.......
.....
...
..
Scotty.
Scotty, what we have here
Is a failure to communicate.
Scotty!
sniff
Eh tu, scotty?
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
I don't know.
Cry.
sniff
Cry!
Cry havoc,
and let's slip the
Rolling stone gathering no mass.
And just slip me a line!
Someone!
I'm between a
Rock and a hard day's night up here!
Here...
here...
here's the raw end of the deal.
You see I remember a moss of things,
but not distinctly.
So just don't let it end like this.
Tell them
I said
......
something.

Eleven years ago, I was standing in
a field surrounded by towering
trees. As on many nights before, I
was taking my dog Scotty for a walk,
and then letting him run loose for a short
time. This particular night he seemed
anxious, restless. He began to howl - a
bloodcurdling, evil bark that shattered
the stillness on that crisp autumn evening.
He seemed to be responding to something
only he could sense and then there was
an enormous floating cloud, a sort of heavy
mist that filled the atmosphere quickly.
Suddenly a spaceship with blinking green
and yellow lights materialized and landed
not so far from where we were. I lost sight
of the dog, just heard him barking wildly in
the distance. A door opened on the spaceship
and a steel gray robotic creature with one red
eye in the middle of its head stepped out. It
was brandishing a silver sword and it was
then when the entire field became engulfed
in  an overwhelming darkness.

I was in shock and started to run.
Somehow, even with all this terror
and confusion, I made it home.
Breathless, anxious, fearful, I told
my wife what I'd seen and heard.
She approached me, grabbed my
trembling locked fist, and pried it
open; Scotty's leash fell soundlessly
on the rug. Startled and sobbing,
she shrieked, "Where's Scotty?
What happened to Scotty?"

I had no answer then.

Or now.

Scotty has a girlfriend,
But Scotty likes to wear dresses..
Is he gay?
Of course not! He loves girls!
But..
underneath his bed,
there's a box full of secrets..
secrets so big;
it's impossible to keep em'.
What would she do..
if she found out he's been with another guy?
She'd break his neck,
as she runs to the corner to cry!

sexually confused!
Scotty doesn't know,
he's sexually confused!

She walks into her high school class,
people can't help but stare.
They don't know what it is;
blue eyes?
dark hair?
Nope. It's what's going on,
the thoughts inside her head..
It's this other girl..
"She snuck into my bed!"

sexually confused..
her peers don't know it yet,
but we're all sexually confused!

Nick has a secret,
you see hes got this fetish.
All he does is
sit around and act it.
He sneaks into his sister's room,
and tries on her clothes..
He walks around the house,
in her skirts and underwear.

Sexually confusd,
he's sexually confused!
It started with being dared to wear a pair..
look what happened,
now he's sexually confused!

Claudia's depressed because
her feelings are always surpressed.
She burries her mind with drugs,
never admiting her passion,
she's made fun of for the way she's dressed.
There's this girl, you see,
she's got dark hair and blue eyes..
they can't be together,
because well..
us sexually confused like to hide.

Sexually confused..
You see once they know,
you know, that you're sexually confused-
you'll be taunted, made fun of,
a victim of verbal abuse.
sexually confused!
Am I sexually confused?

Scottie spot a thot
Scottie spot the thot
Taking multiple shots
Scotty hopped right off his stool
Up to the thot he walked
Hoping she didn't find him
A fool
He said hey thot
From across the bar I spot
Such a **** fine thot
Wouldn't you hop on my ****
Now the thot looked restless
What a decision?
This might be the first time the thot
Well..thought
Needless too say it wasn't long
Before the thot hopped on
Scottie's ****
Scottie thought
Man after this thot
I might need a penicillin shot
Oh no, Scottie watch!!!
Here comes the thot's
Big pop
Threatening to give Scottie,
A pop pop

Scottie prayed to god
He wouldn't see no cops
Especially since before he
Made a stop at the ******* spot

And especially not for some
Thot

We all know Scottie
For a thot he's never fought
So he hopped off his stool and
Ran out of the club
He ain't no nub!
Scottie didn't get popped for no
Silly thot
And so is the story
Of Scottie spot the thot
Who took multiple shots
Hopped on Scottie's ****
And called on her
Big pop
Who almost gave Scottie
A pop pop
Scottie went to the clinic
To get a shot
And thought twice
The next time he spot a thot
Taking multiple shots

I harbor a gentle whiskered beast
made of quiet sighs, all knees and elbows
jabbing my ribs while I sleep,
a weight shifting among the sheets
in the long shadows of earliness.

Suddenly, unprovoked, he is startled
as if threatened by an electric presence.
He listens intently to the silence and bristles
as though a ghost in the corner has spoken
in a tongue meant for beings higher than myself.

When the spirits have gone he sighs again,
his paws turn circles and he lays himself down
curled neatly behind my knees,
quietly pondering primal truths
that I was never meant to understand.

Outside he chases skittering leaves
and imagines he is wild
in the great wooded taiga,
flushing fowl from the brush,
scattering them like gasps of color,
with fluttering hearts beating warm in their *******
among pines capped white with snow.

This world is dying
The sun has disappeared, it's dark
Beam me up Scotty

Strange question indeed,
So I asked one and all;
Explain to me:
“What's a plumber's ball?”

Family and friends
Heeded my call,
But none could confine,
Refine or define it,
Yet Paul was sure
He could design it.

Still, none could satisfy
My caterwaul:
“What the hell is a plumber's ball?”

Does it sweat the pipe
Or wiggle the snake:
Can it clamp the ******
For Heaven's sake?
Could it snap on the ****-hole cover?
All these queries
Made me wonder.

Has it something to do
With hardness leakage,
Or ******* the ball-****
To stop a seepage?
Has it anything to do
With a saddle valve dripping,
Electric eels,
Or two pipes mating?
And, I heard of male and female fittings,
And should I worry
If I'm standing or sitting?

If you're discharging the head
Or elongating the pipe,
Does the plumber's ball
Help it snug tight?
Is it in my tank,
Or in my bowl,
Beneath the floor
Near the drainage hole?
Is the plumber's ball
In the back of the truck
(Jeff laughed and said
One could rub it for luck).

I asked Michel
If he could tell,
He sensed it was something
He could smell.
I sought out Ray,
Perhaps he'd know,
But he was on call
To restrain a back-flow.
I couldn't ask Gary
For his wisdom and sense,
He was wigglin' the snake
To unclog a wet vent.
Henry, Rick, Scotty and Brian,
Gave shameless answers
I couldn't rely on.

It's not a crapper, tail piece
Or Johnnie-bolt,
Or catch basin, reamer,
O-ring or pipe dope.
So I searched the Net
With a fool's wonder,
And read of ball-checks,
Gas ***** and plungers.
I know it's too late
To ask Rolly or Ross,
For both of them knew,
And that's our loss.
And Ernie's gone golfing
So I can't ask the Boss.

With final resolve
I fell to my knees,
To pray St. Ferrer
With grace intercede.
His silence left me
In a state of depression;
Had Ferrer washed his hands
Of the plumbing profession?

So nothing could settle
My wherewithal,
I still didn't know,
What's a plumber's ball?

Suddenly, it hit me,
He's never wrong,
The Dalai Lama of dip-tubes,
I'll ask John.
Where others did falter,
John's a rock:
He knows the difference
Between a gas and ball ****.

With a knowing smile
He embraced our Hall:
Here, good friend, is your Plumbers' Ball.