To the love of my life.
I gave you everything.
I know women say that often but they very rarely mean it, I do.
I gave you everything.
You came at a time, when my world was dark, so dark - I was blinded by it.
I fumbled around, searching, yearning, aching and grasping handfuls of damp air – always left with nothing.
So I stopped, gave up, gave in to the pain and the hopelessness, I stopped searching.
I was on the very edge and I had no intention of taking a step back, or trying to pull myself up should I fall over, I would remain where I was,
There was no light, no hope, no faith, just a strong woman weakened by the trials of life.
It was just me, it had always been just me.
I had no fears, not of death or man, not a single fear hindered me from continuing or going on, but I was hopeless, tired and driven by loneliness.
When we met, I had no idea who you’d turn out to be to me, or the role you’d come to play in my life. You were just another man.
Then you learned how to make me laugh, and you did it so effortlessly, made me laugh from within my soul and I began to grow once more, a strong, fearless woman.
Reborn.
You became a friend, someone I learned to trust with my secrets, my shame, my hopes, my dreams, memories of a time long past, haunted and melancholy memories I had buried.
I dug them up and shared them with you, hoping they could provide some explanation as to the woman I am, so you could understand.
You embraced them, the dark thoughts, the sinful acts I had committed, my past, every single thing you accepted - without hesitation.
You set me free and I fell in love.
Dear god, I was so happy, I couldn’t even describe how free and alive I felt after years of being shackled and chained by my own thoughts. You did that for me, and we became the couple others set out to be.
Best friends with an unimaginable love for each other.
No amount of time ever spent together was enough, and each time we parted it was in sadness and anticipation for the next time we would meet.
You were my best friend, and I was yours.
Your northern star, your light in the dark, your best friend.
You shared your fears, your big dreams, your plans.
I was always next to you, always part of the plan, I was your future and you were mine.
Partners, comrades – a team.
There really was no one like us, you knew that as well as I did.
Every burden, every load was shared, no matter how heavy, I was always there.
I supported you in every decision, every plan, every dream, I encouraged you, picked you up when you had fallen, carried you when you were weak, every hard road I walked with you. I gave you my strength, gave you hope, motivated you to go on. When your thoughts became dark and they clouded your mind, making you believe things about yourself that weren’t true, made you believe that there was no way out, when those thoughts that overwhelmed you – I battled my way through each fear, every dark corner and brought you back into the light.
Every time you hurt me, brought me to tears - something I hadn’t done since the death of my mother – I forgave you. I knew you never meant to hurt me, never intentionally broke my heart, never set out to break me – but you did and I forgave you, countless times.
There was no hatred or contempt, only love.
You were never there for me, and I know you tried but never hard enough. You never made me feel alone, that was what I liked, you always came back to give me the time you had missed, you let me cry and always told me how strong I was even when I was at my weakest. You saw me as strong and brave, bold and brilliant.
I know things were hard sometimes, but they were worth it. Every fight, every issue, every problem, we worked through, we fought, we went to war and we won – every time, we won. A love as strong and bright and ours always beat the odds. It was raw and unchained, passionate and overwhelming, but it was beautiful.
For the first time in my life, I was afraid. I had developed fears. Deeply entrenched fears that ran along the walls of my heart.
I was afraid of losing you. How do you explain that to someone? How do you tell someone your deepest fear is losing them, something you can’t possibly control or prevent, something so completely out of your hands, something you can never take a hold of.
Our love was magic, wasn’t it?
You were the sun in my life, not only the light but the warmth. You allowed me to grow, nurtured my soul and penetrated the dark with your smile.
I thought I had loved before you, but I was wrong.
I loved you so much more than I could ever describe, I didn’t think it was possible to love someone as I loved you.
Two years down the line, things began to change - you began to change and you started to close the doors to your thoughts, I tried to understand but you wouldn’t let me.
Every time I questioned, tried to fix things, you would make me feel crazy, tell me I was making things up, seeing things that weren’t there, I believed you and that was where you began to destroy me, within the walls of my own mind.
You were cold and distant and I was alone and afraid. I fought to keep you close, put myself through hell to remain in touch with the man I knew so well, only to watch you drift further each time.
I didn’t give up, I stayed strong, fought harder, tried more, tried to change, but nothing worked.
I tried to talk to you and you would only push me further away, leaving me in the dark, I asked if there was someone else and you became angry, asking me how I could even ask such a thing, so I apologised.
You were hurtful and bitter and when you stopped telling me you loved me, I knew I had lost the man I was so deeply in love with.
The first time I realised there was someone else, my body felt like a hollow shell. There was nothing, I couldn’t feel my toes or hear my heart beat, it was empty. I preferred that, the shell, the black hole that was in my chest, the heaviness that the emptiness brought – I preferred that to what came next.
When my soul tore itself up, when I could hear it rip and tear at the seams – over and over again, ripping itself apart. Losing all the hopes and dreams I had, watching them wash away and being powerless, unable to recollect them. Feeling my heart break and shatter, feeling the fire in my chest, the fire that I wished would consume me, but only burnt everything inside my ribcage, leaving only excruciating pain behind and a heap of dark black ash.
That’s what I carry with me now, everywhere I go, a heap of black ash resembling everything I had, the woman I used to be, the remnants of my foundation, my core, lies in my chest. Its heavy and cold, most nights it chokes me, every day it haunts me.
Yet, I forgive you.
For all the empty promises, for the pain, for the fear you instilled, for the lies, for the dishonesty.
For destroying me all the while telling me you loved me, I forgive you.
Sincerely, a once in a lifetime woman.