I was 5 years old the first time I fell in love
I don’t remember his name or what he looked like,
But I remember the feeling of flowers bursting from the earth,
Reborn
Determined to bloom into beautiful soft colors of pinks and yellows

When I was 10 I met a boy who lived in the sky
He could rip up houses and tear trees apart without so much as a blink,
But with that violence came a kindness like no other,
The Sun lived in him
He made me feel like the birds who soared high in the sky,
But in this fairy tale I was Icarus, and I flew too close
Unrequited love burned my wings,
And I vowed never to fly again

She was my favorite song,
She was the taste of lemonade on a hot day and the first spring rain
I was 14
I was 14 when I was swooped up into the arms of an angel
She swept me into the sky, holding my hand as we entangled ourselves in the vast constellations
Running with the Bull, swimming with Pieces
But when she let go, I awoke in a cold hospital bed,
It had been but a dream,
She had not come to save me, she was not my angel to keep

I learned to wear short sleeves exclusively and to follow my logic over my heart
No longer would I wear my softness upon my sleeve,
Love left a bitter taste in my mouth and coated the lining of my stomach where the butterflies used to flutter,
Poison floating in my lungs

I was 16 when he kissed my ****** knuckles
I was 16 when he broke through my walls like Odysseus and his Trojan Horse
Dragged me from my bed of broken hearts and dead flowers
He taught me to love, to grow once more,
Trying to save me when I did not want to be saved
I was not ready to love, I was a broken home,
Declared unsafe for inhabitants,

16 when you said to me that you didn’t understand,
That you thought we were on the same page,
But how was I to tell you that the last time I left my heart in someone else’s hands it shattered like hot glass
How was I to tell you I was made of steel and the warmth of your love only burned yourself


Studies in psychology say we do unto others what was done to us
I became the thing that had hurt me the most
No longer able to love freely,
No more would I allow my hands to become tangled in those of another lover,

I was 17 wishing to turn back the clock
Yearning for a hand to hold, but too scared to reach out and grab it
You told me you loved me,
And all I could say was, “thanks”

You asked me how I could live like this
On coffee, cigarettes and the love of someone who forgot he promised to write my name in the stars
Scribbled across the galaxy
Staining the sky with our *******
But I learned too late that it is the destiny of the stars to collapse
And now I am stuck craving you like a cancer patient craves the sweet release of death
To the black sky above

I love the choking addiction of nicotine and the sharp pain of your kiss

It’s cold tonight.
Even though the ghosts in the fire jump and reaches for the stars they can never touch I am                                     still cold.
A body is pressing against mine,
I don’t know whose it is
Just that it’s not yours.
The smell his cheap cologne mix with my cigarette stained breath and earth fire
It doesn’t smell like home
It doesn’t smell like you
I can feel his hand running up and down my spine
I hate that you never touched me like that
Why didn’t you love me like that?
His arms are around me now when I see your face
You’re not looking at me
I guess I’m just a shawdow

Sweet smoke sticks to the back of my throat the way my eyes seem to be glued to you when you walk in my room

Tears burned the back of my eyes, pressure stabbing at my temples I collapsed. Touching my nose to my knees gasping.that feeling I pressed so hard to keep away came slashing through me, pushing its way out my floodgates. I felt the icebergs of my being flush themselves from my body and any solid emotion turned to liquid. Mud swamps through my ribs and runs in my veins. I can't breath. I am drowning in the sorrow that has become me

My backyard has become a graveyard of tears, headstones marked by my old smoking cigaret butts

This year it has rained countless times
But the most during the summer
When I was missing you
I can no longer cry
So I let the sky do it for me
It took all the water I had in me
To flush you out
And even now that you're gone
My lips are cracked
And my throat is drier then the Sahara
So I welcome the sweet taste of summer rain
I soak it up into my body
Through my hair
Through my toes
I'd like to think that God was doing me a favor
He gave the Sahara a rain season so that life could flourish
And I'd like to think that he saw me cracked and broken
Only a few tumble weeds and scorpions inside me
He decided I deserved the rain to wash away my pain and fill me up again
Now I can sprout my leaves
And maybe my beautiful tree
Can give shade and rest
To those like me

Even with your fingers wringing my neck
And your lips leaving bruises where they touched
Your claws ripping away at my favorite dress
To devour the skin underneath
There is no place in Heaven
Or more like in Hell
I'd rather be

I'm always so jealous of thunder
Cause no matter how much it screams and wails in anger
The lightning will always be there
To show that even in the dead of night
When the sky is crying
There is always fire and light

Stupid girl look up from your hands
Stop trying to read the lines of the future or the past
You’re not there yet
You don’t live there anymore
Stupid girl look up from that book
Your prince charming is never coming
So here, read the newspaper  
Black and white cause this is reality  
Stupid girl stop looking at the stars
I know you miss your mom and all
But trying to decode the story of the galaxy wont bring her back
Stupid girl plaster on a smile
No one has time for the weak of heart  
For the weak of mind
Stupid girl did I give you permission to frown  
You have a home
Food  
Water  
A family or more like someone you are forced to see on Christmas and Thanksgiving
That’s more than the starving children in Africa have
Or the soldiers who will never really come home
Stupid girl wear a neck brace in this town
Cause if I see you let your chin droop lower than the Sears ******* Tower
I’m going to give you something  
To be broken about

I want to taste the sun on your skin
And I want to feel the spark of passion light a million cigarettes between our lips
There was nothing soft about the way you held me
You squeezed me so tight my bones crumbled into the sea
I wanted to believe we fit together like pieces of a puzzle
But I was the corner and you were all the parts of the sky
You are more beautiful than the milky way
And more terrifying than the Pompeii
Your eyes to me were bluer than the sea
Deeper than the sea
More mysterious than the sea
Your eyes of water started a fire within me
A fire within me so hot it boiled the sorrow in my lungs
And charred the tips of my ribs
I’m burning alive in my own skin
Please don’t leave my fire burning
Put me out please I beg you
Please I can’t scream any louder!
Please help move your hands from my throat
Please my ears won’t stop ringing
Suffocate the passion that chokes my soul
I would rather be empty than burned to the bone
Please the fire is consuming me
You should have never started this fire within me
If you had no intention to manage it
I hope you are happy
There is nothing left for anyone to love
Not unless they like the smell of burning trust
And that old taste of cigarettes on my mouth
You were the sea
You were that ****** sea
That started the fire within me

Twenty blue pills in my right hand
I should be scared but I have never been more calm
I am calm as the sea
People get confused when I say I am calm as the sea
They claim the sea is wild and free
I ask them have you ever actually watched the caressing waves on            
       the beach?
If you have and you still disagree with me you aren’t seeing the sea
You are only looking
You aren’t sitting on the rocks feeling like your insides have been            
       ripped out
You aren’t feeling your soul slip through the crack in your heart
You aren’t trying frantically trying to sew up the **** with empty  
       words strung in the air
You aren’t surrounded by people who only want to fix you so they
        can say they helped
someone in their lives
When you feel this way you come and find me
And together we will sit and watch the sea
Nicotine in the cracks of our fingers and fire in our lungs
We will hear a tune that brings memories flooding our heart
Splashing in our lungs
The memories we tried so hard to bury in the deepest chambers of
       our hearts
Now look out on the sea
You have battles raging inside you
        Leaving gashes where words come pouring out
Our blood flows black and turns into ink
The sea screams at us to come and join the rhythmic beat of its waves
        upon that beach
And you smile because all you can feel is the thud of your battle
        drums in sync with the beat of the sea and you are calm
You no longer feel empty and alone with that constant beat in your
        heart
Those blue pills remind me of those pulsating waves
They call me and say that I too can feel life pulsate through me
I too can feel waves of emotions crashing through my veins
Though I am part of a different kind of sea
I swim in a sea of pills and whisky until it consumes me
And finally I am calm as the sea.