when we are kissing
          (i’m pressed against your chest
          your arms around me).
i spin. not with confusion but with joy.
like a dancer spinning along with music.
you’re the music that winds me.
can you make me your princess.
          (love me, satisfy me).
i can be a beautiful girl
in a cute dress that you’ll run you hands over.
i could feel your skin,
          (my hands slip under your shirt)
my prince.
we can’t get in trouble
                    (...no worries…)
since we have the power.
          (“excused.”)
it’ll be okay.
princesses don’t get in trouble.
          (it’ll all change once i’m queen
          and you’re king).
i’m only queen so you could be my king.
assuage me/ answer me/ gratify me.

sometimes things that are so amazing, so wonderful…
can confuse me.
the emotions fog up the window
          (my brain is clouded with thoughts)
when the fog clears, there are beautiful
blue butterflies flying around
          (um...how’d they get there.).
that’s what confuses me.
could those be the same butterflies
from my stomach that
          makes me nervous around you.
or are they a pigment of my imaginations,
feelings that aren’t true and made up.
(a soft warning of pain to come)
(an assurance of how beautiful i really am)
(a demon ready to devour me)
what is it.
i name this little blue—
confusion.
she’s beautiful but quiet.
maybe i need her company.
eventually the truth will hit her
instead of hitting the window
          (my brain is a pane of glass).
you can leave this dungeon, papillon.
fly! fly away with your gratefulness!
be free!
          (my imagination runs wild
          like these butterflies)
freedom awaits.

we kissed.
"are you happier now." you said.
nobody's ever going
to
          love
                    me.
but at least sadness doesn't devour me as easily.
i got thoughts to banish the
          sadness
and
                    pain.
the only thing i've ever wanted was for someone to love me.
it's a tragedy.
this is a love story that will end like r + j.
but unlike shakespeare, my brain isn't dead.
i will fight for love like the capulets and montagues.
i will die for this love to last.
and i will do anything just to make you happy.
but yet,
                    i'm
still
          not
loved.
it's impossible for someone like him, my romeo whose eyes are darker than the night sky,
to fall for a vulnerable juliet, who on the inside is a weak, emotionless girl who doesn't ever
get
what
she
wants.

i am living in a world
where there is no peace.
there are so many people who hurt me,
who want to hurt me,
who will hurt me.
they exist around me and make me cry.
but when i’m with him...
we are the only people who exist.
my reputation has disappeared.
my pain has subsided.
my past doesn’t matter.
i feel loved because of him.
but the truth comes out.
he doesn’t really love me.

promises can turn into lies.
dreams and hopes can turn into lies.
when i thought i found what i wanted,
it was a lie.
all the lies crashed in as a wave and broke me down with painful memories.
each time i try to rebuild,
i am broken down again.
that’s why i hate the beach
since the icy water just breaks me
the same way his eyes and lies
break me.

"surround yourself with those that make you happy"
i have made a promise to myself.
i will try to be happy from now on.
i will make myself happy
and nobody will put me down.
no more pain.
no more pain.
everything will be better.
you can learn to let go.

good luck with that, sam.
but thanks, blake :)

this was the place where we had meetings.
we hugged for the first time here.
i wish i could've stopped time at that moment.
now here i am crying.
the ground is burning.
i've sat in the sun for half an hour (it's summer)
my heart is burning.
i am in love.
i am in love.
this wall cannot hide the flames.
i
     burning
am
     hot
in
     flames
love.