Envy is not green but
something perhaps a little more sickening to me
than chartreuse and a spoiled ego.
Envy is when i see boys walking by,
looking down at myself again, i see my curves
and i hate them.

i don’t want them.
i want to look like the boys.

Envy is seeing other girls more androgynous
than i;
girls with broader shoulders
and with more angular faces.

why can’t I look like that?

i hear voices deeper than mine:
tenor, baritone—
and I shred my throat
day-by-day,
trying to come close to the pitch.

Envy is the aches in my body when changing
my posture from legs to shoulders;
from changing my stride
and preventing my hips from swaying.
i want to look like them.

seeing these people makes my insides feel
like they’re being twisted with a red-hot fork;
and it hurts, oh God, it hurts.
it hurts to know i will never look
like how i see myself.

Wandering the store,
The womens section is a far off shore,
Its drains me of my sanity,
I become what should not be,
in madness I begin to dwell.
In a personal nightmare and hell,
I begin to smile and giggle,
Thinking of the blood beginning to trickle,
I laugh and bend double,
Thinking of all my trouble,
But where do I put this pain of mine?
I run but it stays by my side.
I wanna cut again,
Put a bullet in my head and be gone,
But I'm told that's wrong,
So I listen to my favourite song,
I **** myself in my mind but not body,
And tell everyone I'm sorry.
walking around,
Chasing her about the shop,
Start to run aground,
I look and stop.
Womens clothes it hurts my heart,
Oh no, oh no no, oh no no!
Just go next door, don't make me start,
Just go to poundland, please just GO!
£20 sale shorts,
Ugly, nothing to her,
Running back and forth, I'm not much for sports,
Oh my this is causing a stir.
I try to relax, chill with my shades,
I just go numb,
Two days later it all just fades,
I curl fingers under thumb,
I clench my jaw,
Put my back in,
It aint ice cuz it don't thaw,
Don't blame me but anger is my sin.
Fall from grace,
Bleed the hate out,
Brush the glass from my face,
Scream and shout.
My mirror is broken,
My heart is sore,
Its toll has been taken,
That much I swore.