It's Christmas Eve
and everyone around me is happy and smiling
wondering what they are getting
hoping its something they would like
something sweet
while the only thing i have ever wanted i wont get
I will never get my family back
and the fact i have to spend christmas with these people
aches me
It's Christmas freaking eve
and I'm still not smiling
life freaking hates me

I was *****
And i can
Still     feel       him      inside     me

My hearts on display
I write out what im feeling
tell you what im thinking
but its to long for you to read
you wont scroll down over 2 times
and you think thats right
I want to tell the world
but the world is to lazy to read
the cure for cancer could be in the last two lines
but you would never see
not unless it starts trending
despite what you think
im not angry
Im disapointed
this is a community
are we really to lazy to care?
dont just heart the poem
read whats there
I think its only fair
that i get the guts to tell you my story
that you would take the time to read
and maybe spend 2 seconds to tell me what you think
but thats ok
maybe im just crazy
you probably didnt get to read this line anyway

You lie
you pretend you want help
say you wanna get well
but its the best you can do
why pretend you want something more
when you are good where you are
you dont wanna be happy
time to admit it
you just don't fit it
if you smile in your life you don't feel right
better to stay sad in your cocoon of lies
Better to always want to die
because your happy like this
you are content
you dont wanna get better
and you dont wanna live
if people really loved you
they would get it

You inhale so deeply
the chemicals get stuck in your lungs
They suffocate you
until you forget what you wanted to say
prisoner in your mind
feeding into the lie that you have time
chocking on the words
what was i saying again?
flying so high you forget your about to fall
flying so high but you still remember it all
inhale deeply
until you no longer can breathe

I wonder what its like
to live without regret
to pretend your fine
until the day it you die

I wonder what its like
to pretend your okay
the pain you must feel
when you run out of lies to say

I wonder what its like
to smile through your tears

I wonder how
you survived all these years

She was a mother
A mother of four
The father is in jail
people call her a *****
and every day she goes out to
228 Oak lane
so she can see her babies
tied in chains
Most are in gangs
or they where
now they are in jail where they can't touch her
she will never be able to touch her babies again
feel their skin
because There is a 2 way glass between them
She looks to her side and she sees A 9 year old boy
he doesn't understand why he has never touched his brothers
why they will never fight over toys
The mom looks down with tears in her eyes
she promises him that the 2 way glass will never cut between them
**but she lies

I try
I try to sleep at night
without remembering what he felt like
I try
I try to make you happy
even though im drowning
I try
I try to do what you did for me
reassure you I'm not lying
but I'm not sure I'm telling the truth
I try
I try to believe
but time after time my faith fails me
silent prayers
unanswered
innocence shattered
I keep getting madder
but i try
to make it right
I try to forget my past
I try
to help you to
But I dont know what i am suppose to do

She was 5 years old
her name was Isabel
She knew me very well
everyday we played in the park
and we made up a hand shake too
It went
I dont wana do the dishes
I dont wanan clean my room
all I wanna do is be here with you
then we would hug
and smile all day long
but that didnt last very long
my father told me to watch out for her she was bad
I didnt undrstead that she was the only friend I have very had
My dad insited that we never speak
he tried to make sure we would never meet
But one day in the cafetiria She smiled at me
then we became best friends almost instantly
we Did everything together
one day I invited her over so my dad can see
that she is an amazing person to me
and she is a lovely young lady
that was when i turned 13
she was always ther for me
Then I came to school with bruises all up my face
she aksed what happened to me
That was the first time I told her about my daddy
she threatened to call the police
she said that it was not safe or healthy
that its not normal to be beat
everyday
for nothing
that dads should punch their wives and cheat behind there back
she said good men dont do that
and I believed her
so just so my dad could hear I brought her to dinner one day
she didnt wanna go but I insisted it was ok
When she came over my dad got mad
the maddest I have ever seen him
then she saw my father
He punch her and kicked her then he grab a knife
I told him to stop I screamed
but i was to afraid to fight
to afriad to fight
then she stop moving and layed there still
everything was silent
she was dead
dead
my only friend
THen I grabbed the knife and stabbed my dad in the head
I screamed
NO MORE
no more
Then it wasnt just Isabel that layed dead on the ground
No one made a sound
my mom just stood there staring at me
Then I realized I just lost my family
I killed my daddy
I did worse then I could ever believe so I picked up the knife and stabbed my mommy
I didnt want her to have to live knowing that I killed her family
then I took the knife and stabbed me
That was the end of my family

I want to see her
when I do it brings light to my eyes
she is the light of my life
she gets me up in the morning and sends me on my way
she makes sure I wear a jacket when it cold outside
and when i fell bad she asks if im ok
I never understood why she would do this to me
I dont know why I fell this way
Why I just cant except that she loves me
maybe because no one has ever loved me before
and its all lies my daddy would say
until the police took him away
he would hurt me and my mom everyday
I dont understand why
Why did my mom have to die
why did he think it was his right to take her life
and leave me without a home
no place to call my own
no family
I was alone and I have been alone
I don't want their help I can do it all my self
but then I remeber
this one cares
I am always there she says
and she loves me
I dont know why
everyone else in my life wanted me to die
or at least that is how it seems
no one has ever wanted me
like she
and now I am here
in my room writing thourgh my tears hoping someone would hear
or read what i Have to say
that Life gets better along the way
The question is when it happens
Will you be able to accept that you are ok?

I will scream

I will die

I will jump off a building to make it all right

to fix everything that is wrong

but i cant

i cant help you

I cant do it a lone

I kills me from the inside

when i start to see your pain on the outside

and now the only thing i can do is cry

I cant make it all right

like you did for me

your a natuaral therapist

while i am nothing

I will scream

I will break

I cant fix you

with all my might

I cant make it alright

Im sorry i cant make these wrongs go out of sight

Im sorry i cant give my life to save yours

Im sorry i cant save you like you saved me

I want you to find help

No matter how hard i try

and i plead

to God

you see i stopped praying about me

a long time ago

but i have been praying for you

since we where kids i have wished you alright

you see i told u i barely knew your name

but thats i lie

since the first time i saw you

I hoped what i saw in your eyes was lies

but as i always do

when i see pain i run the other way

i hate it when i love someone

who i cant save

instead of helping people

all i do is watch as they break

there are people i have tried to save

but no matter what happens i cant make it ok

I never stopped praying

I pray that you are ok

but when you need someone to comfort you

i dont know the words to say

and its horrible for me

to watch people break

when i know they could of been saved

but not by me

im sorry

im draggin you down with me

I dont wanna hurt you

but i dont wanna die alone

Never found that perfect lover
Never found that perfect hand
Never found that perfect person
who was there till the end
never found the perfect boy to keep me safe
and he never found the perfect girl to keep him striaght

I feel so broken right now
so torn
so worthless
so needy
I feel unfixable
as if my depression is a never ending abyss that i will never get out of
as if my cuts run to deep
to get healed
We all talk about God
but is he really real?
why cant he help me feel
im so broken
I don't think I can last 3 more years

They creep up on me when i sleep
things I try to forget
things i cant stand to see
all the monsters inside of me
come alive in my dreams
nothing is ever what it seems
shhh dont scream
nightmares taking over me

All this time I have been hiding in the dark from a monster
I just now realized the monster is me
and your just a scared little girl
running

To be happy
To be in love
To help people
To make a difference
To trade my life for someone else

I'm sorry
I love you
you lost your way
I broke your heart and i don't know what to say
I cant heal the pieces
I cant bring you back
The blood that runs you veins
has turned black
the pain that i caused you
i cant bear anymore
I didn't know your heart would shatter
when i slammed the door

Pain is contagious*
and no one can stop the outbreak

Oh Jayden
as the ice breaks under your feet
you cut your wrist holding on to the broken shards
Oh Jayden
as your open your mouth to scream
your fist mash your teeth in
Oh Jayden  
as you live in fear of tomorrow
you forget today
Oh Jayden
I don't know what to say
you changed
Oh Jayden
You are starting to fall
when along the way did you loose it all
Oh Jayden
I'm sorry I cant catch you as you fall
I'm sorry for pushing you off
Oh Jayden
I'm sorry I cant heal the scars
bring back your sister, or resurrect your mom
Oh Jayden
you are feeling so small
why did i steal it all

Pills and potions
Pills and potions
What a notion
Overdossin
Drink so my beer your eyes stop soaking
Get so high you never stop floating
Pills and potions
Pills and potions
What a notion

Broken facees
lossing races
trying to get to the finish line but she never makes it
bloddy nails
ripped out hair
trying to find whats never there
children crying
mothers dieing
father hurting and fathers are lying
pain has its way of finding its way out
sometimes on your arm, somethimes from your mouth
hurting yourself and others around
until the day you decided to drown

Speak
as your mind fills with hatred
as your heart turns cold
Speak
dont suffer in silence
dont hide your pain
show us what you are feeling
you have nothing to lose
and all to gain
Speak
because if you dont
you dont only hurt yourself
you hurt others too
we all know you are in pain
we dont know what to do
Speak
this next part is up to you
all you have to do
is believe we are here to catch you
and jump into our arms
the first step is to
Speak
because one day you wont be able to

Pain is contagious

I heard you where suicidal
we should talk

I know im not your favorite person
you probably dont like me at all
but we should speak

cause in some ways we are the same
but i might be wrong
maybe im completely off

if i am ignore this
forget this
but if im not

realize you dont have to live with it
alone

You dont have to say anything
just know that there are people like me who care about these things
so please
if im right
realize that you are strong enough to make it through this fight

I dont need you anymore
I am getting over this phase
find your own way
I'm getting better here
Remebering Im strong here
listening trying to hear
what you say
but you are gone
and thats ok
because im strong enough to live without you
I am strong enough
I am strong

I wanna write a happy poem
but the only thing about my life that was happy
cant talk to me
so I"m left in the way it used to be
sadly
if you don't come back soon
I will have to do the things I used to do
before I knew love
because love just left me
and I don't know what to do
what should I do?

Isnt it funny?
I have thrown up about 5 times in my life
3 of them are pills that wont do their job

why is death easy for everyone to find but me?
isn't it funny
death avoids the people who want to stop living
take cancer from that girls mom
or that boys sister
and give it to me
I would love to take their place
because dieing is something I want to happen to me
please
stop avoiding

Don't you ever wish **** would never run out?
That you never went away
That I don't need to use substances to keep me sane
Please say something
I need to hear your voice
Your the only thing that can ground me
without you
I gotta stay high
all the time
without you
I gotta fly
using artificial wings
that will snap under pressure
cause im not really flying
without you im falling
without you the ground under my feet starts shifting
and I can either try and hold on
or let go
and I don't see the point of living on this ground
without you to keep me happy
please
say something

Please talk me out of numbing the pain
I cant forget his face

I am trapped
in the labyrinth of suffering
I am trying
to escape
but these walls don't seem to me moving
I'm waiting
for someone to come and save me
Keep screaming " MOMMY!"
but no words come out
I turn to you
you where the only one who heard me shout
now you gone
and I cant live without
someone who hears me
please
I need you back
so I know im not crazy
I keep seeing things
that remind me of you
and I pull out my phone
then I realize you changed your number
I need you back
I miss you
I will forgive you like that
please
I need you to save me from this labyrinth
I don't wanna go through this
alone

I'm trying to replace you

but no matter how high I get

no matter how deep I cut

no matter how long I cry

I cant keep you off my mind

Pain
without suffering
I feel pain
no gain
no way
out
Just pain
no source
pain is just coming for me
and im tired of trying to explain
why I am crying
please believe me im trying
I need to get flying
I need to get so high I cant feel the ground
I need to numb the pain
until it all goes away
some days
I've got to stay high
until the pain dies

Lost it
I lost it all
all of you in this fall
from being high
all the time
I want my life to go on rewind
I need to find
all I lost