I bend over backwards to relieve the pain
Of 12 hours I'll never see again
And my lips sting with all that they haven't felt
My eyes are dry and they ache like a welt
But I'm happy, I'm stable, I'm willing, I'm able
To bring you everything that everyone can't
And it all started when I watched you dance

It doesn't matter if the bus breaks down
'Cause we'll still be on the road
It doesn't matter if the sun goes down
'Cause we'll still be wide awake
For goodness sake
Let us sleep
With blankets and backpacks
In sweating heaps

She doesn't know what to do anymore.
Her heart pounds around her until it feels like a stampede -
About to be trampled.
Help her. Help her.
She falls asleep every night after her anxiety fights its way through her medication -
And beats her until she bleeds.
But sleep is no rescue -
Because the devils in her dreams.
Demons, dying, monsters, heartbreak, torture, humiliation -
She can't escape the hell that invades sleep - and is still waiting for her when she wakes up.
An animal - poised to rip out her throat.
She wakes up already in the middle of a panic attack - praying only drowns her thoughts in thinking.
And every second of every moment of every day that she's stuck in her various prisons -
Drags on and digs into her like nails until she wishes she could just find the blood, find the wound -
So she could mend it.
No one else seems to be bothered like she is - no one else understands what it's like to live in panic.
Almost done with her 11th year but there's still always another. Another. Another.
Doesn't want to let her meds take over - because the second she falls asleep -
She'll have to wake up.
And waking up is the worst part.

Anxiety - tells me that it's all my fault. It fills my chest and stomach with a sick, sweet bile that I'm unable to *****. It tells me I'm sick, but never sick enough. That I deserve to be miserable because I am a liar and a sinner and a *****.

Anxiety - looks like being late for work everyday. Being constantly distracted, overworked, underperforming.  Anxiety is quiet in the room but loud in my ears. I'm frozen in sickness but I cannot stop moving.

mnyamata,
I'm sitting here, face sticky from dried tears, face aching from smiling so hard, staring at the beautiful 2 dollar earrings you bought me at a garage sale today. They were the first things I saw when I walked in and I eyed them and mentioned that I liked them and you just pulled out your wallet and refused to put it back when I kept asking you to. They're cheap, not real diamonds, but I think they're beautiful and I'm glad you didn't listen to me when I told you not to buy them.
Driving home tonight, I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I felt like a freak, grabbing your arm and shirt and face and smiling until my cheeks started shaking. I am 16 and you are 17 and I am 99 percent positive that I will be marrying you. I am too painfully in love with you to ever recover, so you're stuck with me.

(p.s. - we should've gone halfsies on that typewriter)
ndimakukonda

5 days
It felt like such a while away
I never thought you would love me this long

When every part of my body aches
And all my clothes are soaked through with rain
I cry and beg and pray
That you could just be here for 5 minutes
To kiss my tears away
To tuck me in
And say you love me
But I'm alone
In the dark
Crying and shivering

If you're wondering what you can do to fix this -
Come find me.
Kiss me.
And ask me what's wrong.
Because that's I need.
And that's what is gone.

I'm looking at you right now.
You're sitting in a chair next to me, trying in vain to type the essay that has been alluding you all week.
You're wearing your favorite Big Bang Theory shirt with your red flannel and the jeans I helped you buy. You've got your headphones in.
I'm not taking notes on my history book, like I should be. I'm writing this instead.
There was a moment when you took your headphones out to watch a scene of an episode of BBT you like, you draped them around your neck. You laid your head on your chair back and smile and squinted and just sat there peacefully for a moment.
I stared at you longer than I ever have before. Tracing your jaw line and the curve of your ear and the corner of your eye and the shadows of your lower lip and the darkness in your mouth beyond your smiling teeth. I saw it all and I realized something.
The way I feel about you, is SO much bigger than our mistakes. And we've made quite a few. But I got that feeling in my stomach I told you about, and I melted, and I realized that what we have is bigger than almost anything. Because God placed us in each other's lives, there is nothing that can outweigh what we have. I realized that in a moment which has stretched it's fingers into now and into now and into now and into now into now and espically now and I'm; staring at you afain. . ..

I hope that moment stretches into every moment forever and God never lets me forget that I am in love with you, and that will drag me through every hell I have to trek. You've started typing now, good luck on your essay. Love you.

My chipped nail polish makes shapes of made up continents
Funny silhouettes with lakes and islands
Black and wrinkled from my great whites
I stare at them and pretend it's a new world
Where I'm with you in a lake or on an island
Starting at the shape of Russia  on my thumbnail
Instead of here -
Staring at imaginary islands
Without you

I built a wall around myself
And hid confined inside that wall
And that wall began to shake
Began to quake, began to fall
I built it up with sticks and stones
Though if they fell they'd break my bones
I needed structure, saftey, friends to save me
All I wanted was a home

I have never been one for heat
But I'll always be one for You
Send me where I'm needed
Have me do what You would do
I'll spend my life in service
Giving all of me You need

My dearest loving partner
Don't forget to pray for me

I miss red
I miss dirt
Getting tired
Getting hurt
I miss children
I miss their songs
Plans changing
Going wrong
I miss the milky way
And the birds
The brand new voices
The brand new words
I miss the heat
I miss the taste
But I'll never miss it here
I'll never miss the waste

But through everything I do
I often think of you
You're everything to me
There's little else I need

I promise to love
If you promise to live
When I promise my hand
That's all I've to give

These are the After Years
Where Everyone is now Someone Else
Because of Pain that we've all Found and Felt
A million Days without you here
A thousand Ways you still draw near
The Lies I speak
And Tears I weep
Don't matter anymore
If you can't Run, we'll Soar
I'm always wanting More
Of you
Than I would've ever wanted Before
And my fingers Tremble when you speak
My heart, an Earthquake when you sneak to me
An Ocean of Wonder alight in your eyes
Finally looking at me
Finally Mine

All I can do is sip your Peace Tea
And wait for you to fall in love with me
All I can do swear under my breath
And cover my face and push out my *******
All I can do is wish you would stand closer
And pretend that I'm not an absolute poser
I look at a lot
But you're all I can see
So I'll just sit here and wait
For you to fall in love with me

I can hear your rejection
I can taste your disgust on my tounge
I know I am an infection
But we all get infected when we're young
Can you sense my abjection?
Can you see the resentment in my eyes?
I know I am a corruption
But we all get corrupted before we die

If you're everything to me
What am I?

~

If Temptation were a woman she'd be Pretty
If Strength were a woman, she'd be Beautiful

~

In everything I do, I'll only think of You

~

"In that moment, it didn't just feel like deleting my internet history, it felt like I was deleting my history. It was gone, and my shoulders ached from the sudden absence of a secret I'd kept for years."

The shoulders of your shirt are stained with my tears
Because you're not here wearing it

I don't care that you lied about not having advice to give
All I need now is for you to give it
Kellie, my heart has never
In all the times I haven't been in love
Been more broken and alone than now
I need you my sister
I need to know the things that I don't
Please don't make me search anymore
I have never needed you more than when
I screamed out to an empty sky
Hoping you would hear me
Maybe you can hear me
Sister, I need your heart
I need you to be vulnerable
I am so, so alone
Kellie, I am as alone as you once were
I need you
I need you
I need you

She's expected to drink
And she hasn't left a drop in the house
He's expected to leave
And he left the door swinging
They're expected to kiss
But he got her pregnant instead
You're expected to love me
But I think that's a story I read

And it's not true
Because I'm completley alone
In loving you

I leant out the car window
To escape the smell of my Mom's diet food
I wish you could have seen me then
With the wind in my hair
And the cold, wet air on my cheeks
I was beautiful for a minute
I wish you could have seen it

I saw this mountain all alone
I saw this mountan on its own
I saw this as a lonely mountain
Its tears cascading like a fountain
I thought I'd climb it, keep it company
I thought that nothing could go wrong
I thought the mountain, it would love me
The mountain chuckled; I was wrong
But still I began my treacherous climb
The goal I'd set still tricked my mind
I dove between the weeds and thrushes
I slipped around the water rushes
Expecting to hear the mountain call'
I was surprised when I heard nothing at all
Calling out for something more
Calling for the mountain's roar
When nothing came, I did not panic
Patience, thought I, should surely do it
So climbing still and dodging, diving
Without warning, I began crying
Why has the mountain been so silent?
Why has the mountain been so quiet?
Perhaps it doesn't want me after all
I realized it would never call
So sobs tearing through my chest I turned 'round
Deafened by the lack of sound
And when I reached the bottom once more
Still, I did not hear the mountain's roar

If pride was a woman then patience would stroke her hair
His love for this diamond would shine far more than its facets and points
Sharp enough to cut the sky in two

If ignorance was a woman then affection would **** her cheeks
This was more love than her heart could carry
And she was stricken defiant at the thought of letting herself be held

Apologies would do me no good now
Friends are a luxery I cannot afford
Do I try to help them?
Or do I help them to help myself?
Is my love the jail they call it?
Or is it the bail they beg for?
Though apologies would do me no good now
I'm sorry I plucked the thorn from your hand
And watched you writhe and shudder
Cursing and screaming my name
And now there's too much hate for me here
Self hatred is enough to bear
And though your wound no longer stings
The hate remains
It's everywhere
Through apologies would do me no good now
I'm sorry
I'm sorry for trying to help
But God's success is worth your scorn
And though our hearts are worn and torn
Friends are a luxery I cannot afford
Because my methods of love
Are too untoward
And though they bring you safety now
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I made this vow
To keep you safe without my safety
And though apologies will do me no good now
I'm sorry
I'm sorry anyhow

Goodbye Big Sister
You've found your Arborman
I'll finally see him kiss you
When you give him your hand

She danced the clouds, the twirling sound they made across the frosty sky
Her eyes the wings of birds and the shivering clumps of stars at night
The grass in between her toes and the bees stung upon her cheeks
Pearly tears on pale blue lips, crying at the way the Christians seek

If God is real, my legs have scales and I glitter in the shallow bay
Then the sky began to rumble and that God then tore her legs away
With hair on end and and eyes like sweet apple pies she thought
She fell asleep in a watery bed with pillars that were iron wrought

Still so surprised at being caught she lay with fingers stiff in thought
Is this my grave with creatures scaled and plants knotted and living taught
She realized then she had been wrong, inside her chest a stiff grey heart
Turned her face up to sky and let the rest of her body be torn apart

And she dreamed of lips meeting
But her sweet hopes keep fleeting
And it doesn't mean anything
If he won't have to know
It's not real if its hidden
It's not love when forbidden
And if I keep sinning
I'll make sure he won't know
So I'll keep this a secret
He does not have to know
I'm beginning my descent
*He does not have to know

A million fireflies
Clouds glowing
Growing eyes
Feet patter
Rain meets fire
I whisper as I go
Along I stride
In fear they hide
Yelling, smelling salts
Wake up
Shake up
Stand up
Rise
Beyond the gate lies
Lies
Goodbye
I make no sense
I write

Don't ask me to leave you
I'm not up to the task
Please tell me to love you
You simply have to ask
Don't ask me to turn away
You're too beautiful to pass
Please let me watch you dance
You simply have to ask

I will do anything you want
Just ask.

I just woke up
Curled in the smallest ball
Shivering underneath all my blankets
Tears still wet on my face
But you're still asleep
While I am awake

I just woke up
Looked at my phone and saw
That you hadn't called
I want to get out of this place
But you're still asleep
While I am awake

I just woke up
And everything crumbled around me
I feel sick and miserable
What kind of mess did I make
That you're still asleep
But I am awake

The best time to think about this
This whole love thing
Is in bad weather
When the tall greyness of the sky
Keeps me inside
And the yelping wind scares my heart away
Scares it into thought
And turn
I feel your eyes burn
On the back of my neck
But I turn
And you're not there

Depression is - locking yourself in the bathroom at work for as long as you can get away with, and laying on the floor. Praying to fall asleep and wake up anywhere else.

Sitting on the bathroom floor scrambling
To explain what's happening
I'm tired of hurting you
I'm tired of hurting
Worrying about us
Returning to nothing

A beautiful couple
Had a beautiful wedding
And they made a beautiful son
The son that would grow
The world to show
That I was his only one

She linked her arms behind her back and tiptoed down the hallway. Her family was all asleep.
Her mouth was drawn up at the corners and her eyes twinkled, even in the dark.

What could she be up to? thought no one.

She turned the corner into the kitchen. Her hair swinging around her shoulders.
A hum escaped her lips, the melody unidentifiable.
With a long arm she reached up and opened a cupboard, her other arm following suit to retrieve a glass.
Hopping quickly over to the sink, the long arms came into play again, switching the faucet on and filling her cup.

Thirsty, at this time of night? asked no one.

Her smile grew wider. She straightened out, having been bent over the sink.
Those long arms grew stiff.
She spoke,

"What are you doing in my house?" Her voice was deep and clear, like a river.

There was silence throughout the house.

She turned quickly, the water in her glass sloshing over onto her fingers.

There was no one there.
Her face became sad, the mischevious glint lost.

What are you doing in my house? wondered no one.

"Nothing." She said.
And went back to bed.

Funny little picture
Staring blankly at the wall
Too afraid to soar away
Too afraid to fall

Ground holds my
Feet up holds my
Legs up holds my hips -
hips hold my
torso holds my
shoulders hold my
head holds my lips -
my chin being held up by my hands
held up by the table -
he looks at me with far away eyes -
coffee cup falling asleep in front of him -
the world dissolving into wavy lines and fuzz -
warm and thick like gravy -
he looks and me and he tells me I belong
I have a fat smile -
all my words dissolve like pats of butter on a pancake
and I feel like I belong

Billowing, malignant sentinel watches the door with dead eyes
I chase sleep in heaps under his dead nose - drifting through daydreams at one in the morning
Daydreams belong in the daytime he says with his dead mouth
Go **** yourself I tell his dead ears
You shouldn't be awake he whispers through dead teeth
You shouldn't be alive I growl at his dead face
He watches the door in dead silence
I don't feel any safer with him here
And yet nothing has tried to hurt me
And nothing will
I can see your laptop screen he says with a dead voice
Go **** yourself I say
As if he had the choice

Skeletal cinnamon trees
Frosted with the breaking, grey sky
Know more love than you
And they know more life than I

Flowing as white as the snow
With the one that she loves by her side
She'll regret this day again
When she has nowhere to hide

And I'll sit and watch them freeze
And my fingers will go numb
In the coldness of their timing
Knowing I should be the one

One of these days
There's going to be a snapback
That says
"Be different"
It will become the most popular snapback ever
In the history of *******
Snapback sales will skyrocket
And every single boy
In Marysville, Washington
Worth his spit
Will be wearing a snapback that says
"Be different"
And no one will think twice
But the one boy
Who doesn't wear snapbacks
Or Nike
Or Adidas
Or Obey
But who dresses
Different
Than anyone else
Will get beaten
And teased and shunned
By boys wearing snapbacks that say
"Be different"
Clutching lies in their ****** fists

I've been waiting months
For the day when
My desire will be quenched
With darkness and popcorn
A crowded room
Of people who disobey
Proved by the small glowing screens around me
And I'll shiver from excitement in my seat
Surrounded by family
In pajamas
With sleep in their eyes
But I do not sleep
I am far too excited
For the day when my Sire
Will return from the Shire

I proposed to myself tonight
And fell asleep in your clothes
The fan blades hum a harmony
To the breathing in my dreams

Lips dripping with the blood of gardens, you caught my eye and held it close, like the crying babe I was in my heart. Regaling us with imagined tales of space travel, your eyes turning the chrome color of a sleek, silver ship. You can place your hands on my shoulders, my cheeks, my slowly tanning arms, I am your crutch and you are my captain. You can place your mouth so close and stare at my lips dripping with the blood of gardens, and I fail to accept that I am real to you.

****** teeth
Kiss me
****** teeth
I miss you
****** teeth
Promise me you'll never go away

Depression is - getting coffee and a donut before work, knowingly making yourself late, because you are just so desperate for something - anything, to make you feel even the tiniest bit happy.

Anxiety is - telling yourself that all you'll be is fat and late for work - never happy.

Imagine little kisses
Increasing in size
Imagine trees with Christmas lights
Swimming through blue eyes
Imagine happy smiles
Heavy breathing
New Year's Eve
Imagine everything you know you'll
Never have to leave
Imagine all your loved ones
Laughing with you on the couch
Imagine kissing til your lips are stung
A happy kind of ouch
Imagine love that never fades
Imagine winter shivering
Imagine me before you sleep
With my broken bleeding smiling lips
Quivering

A weighted vest
A weighed chest
Chesapeake Bay
How I sway
Back and forth
Hit the ground
What a sound
I can make
Heavy heart
Heavy hands
Handsome man
Has a plan
Without me
He'd be free
I'm gonna need
Some dopamine
Here I go
What a show
Move so slow
This buffalo
Upon my chest
There is no rest
I cannot breath
I beat my breast

Goodnight

My heart is on fire for you, a million dying embers being reborn over and over like phoenixs', blood red dancing and swaying in its own invisible wind, a million Spanish girls twirling their skirts and screaming and singing and yelling, orange waterfalls of flame licking the disintegrating wood like ice cream, melting and blackening and frying, yellow jewels glowing and yellow fingers reaching out to touch, the peeling bark and sizzling coals crumbling and flying upwards like gems in my throat into your mouth, your lips burning mine as my heart burns for you.

It's shallow
How you try to be so deep
And it's level
How you try to be so steep
It's sad
How you try to be so cheerful
It's quiet
When you try to give an earful
You're trying
And it breaks my heart to watch it
Because you're failing
All you seem to do is botch it