My heart has been ripped out

Torn from my chest

Trampled and torn

I need some rest.

Does he care about me?

Clearly not.

I was extremely easy to drop.

Yet here I am
Dealing with my rollercoaster of a mind
Trying to focus

"Push through and study"
They all say

But the sadness persists day after day.
Defer my exams?
Maybe.
Okay.

Not all because of him, I assure you that's true
The low mood was there before,
Now I'm just more blue.

Trudging through life as I'm dying inside
All I want to do is hide

Why did he do this?
I don't really know.

---

I need to focus
On just being me
On doing the best I can
The light I will see.

Goodbyes are tough

I still care for you,

Sad and heartbroken,

Changed for the good too

I weigh more than I have ever weighed
And I've never been more afraid.

The voices are louder than ever before
You're fat, you're ugly, a failure for sure

You'd think I know these are all lies
That this would just render many sighs.

But it doesn't.

It's pain, it's suffering, it's absolute hell
On these thoughts I continue to dwell

Tears are shed.

If I objectively weigh more
Than I ever have before
How can I disagree with the voices in my head?
More tears are shed.

Fix it, fix it! My mind berates.
Weight loss is your impending fate.
Not to lose too much, don't worry
A couple of pounds, you'll be fixed in a hurry.

I'm trying
to not
listen.

But on the cusp of believing it's true.
Restriction and exercise is all I'll have to do.
Control, control
Something I desperately want.

But I must stay strong
And keep holding on
And try to avoid trying to fix this.

I want to be a role model
For younger girls
Accept your body
it's as precious as a pearl

Its imperfections make it beautiful.
You do not have to look a certain way
Or worry about what you weigh
You are worth so much more than that
You deserve so much more than that
Believe in yourself, and start a new day

Dear Body,

I am sorry
for the pain
I've put you through.

The problem never really was you.

The problem was my goal for perfection.

Be perfect or be nothing.

Doesn't make much sense.
Yet this thought made my life very intense.

I hated you deeply all of grade twelve
In dieting and restricting I began to delve

Desperately trying to diminish you.

Sadly it worked, and you became hurt.

Yet even when I was scarily thin
I never loved the skin I was in

Recovery was hard, but I did gain weight.
But relapse was my impending fate.

I loved feeling accomplished watching the number go down
But my mood and personality fatally drowned.

Who did I become?

My low mood drove me to change my ways
To try to brighten all the darker days

I regained weight.

Eating disorders are not all about weight
Or body image.

They're about repairing your relationship with yourself.

I tortured my body to achieve a goal
Hoping it would make me feel more whole.

And now here I am.

Still fighting.
Fighting to ignore the thoughts in my head
That tell me to hurt you again.

But you don't deserve that
You're worth so much more
Being perfect isn't what you were given to me for.

I am worth so much more than a number on a scale.

I must ignore the thoughts in my head
And treat my body with some respect.

Nourish and care for it, it's the only one I've got
Let media and culture's images brutally rot.
Have my drive for perfection no longer be a thought.
Accept myself and explore a lot.

We both have relationships
Of that I'm aware
Then why do I feel
Like my heart has a tear?

Whenever I see
His shoes at the door
My stomach drops
My heart becomes sore

I am hurting so deeply
So deeply inside
I would like a friend
to help weather the tide

Yet she always seems busy
She's often with him
I'm busy too
But my life seems so dim

It's hard because I know
She's hurting too
I don't want to make her feel
Any more blue

But this feeling has grown
For quite some time
I need to let out my emotions
In a small rhyme

I want to spend more time
just being with her
Studying, reading, laughing
Of that I am sure.

I worry about her
So very much
But with him always here
She seems out of touch.

Lying on the floor
Staring at the ceiling

I am encompassed with a horrid feeling.

The track in my head
Is stuck on replay

You're ugly
You're fat

How'd you let yourself get this way?

I am aware it's not true
But it still makes me blue

I try so hard to stay on track
But sometimes motivation is what I lack

At these moments
I hate how I appear
I despise myself
I despise the mirror

I despise the perfectionism deep inside
That caused this malady, this deep divide

That took over my mind

....

Lying on the floor
Staring at the ceiling

I realize I have to learn to cope with this feeling

Despite what my mind continues to say
Restriction isn't the answer
Acceptance is the way

Body dysmorphia
Will not rule me
Nor the eating disorder
I want to be free.