I wrote a poem

I wrote it twice

Seeking words expression

Clouds roll in

My shadow hides

Exposing my depression

Pressure mounts

Weight so intense

No strength to set me free

Shallow breath

A whisper utters

Is this the end of me

They tell me I'm mature
That they forget I am a young teen when they talk to me
Or look at me
That I think far too much
And far too deeply
For someone just in middle school

And though
I know that they say it with love
But it is sad to me
For I was not born this way
Things had to shape me
And make me grow up quicker than I should have

I had to be the responsible person
Way too often
I had to comfort my father as if he was my child
I had to learn to analyze people
To keep myself safe

I have always wished I was older
So this wouldn't be weird
But I also wished I would be younger
So I could be carefree for once

Self awareness kills me slowly
I fear I have too much

She slipped away with no goodbye
No parting gasp or widened eye
One heartbeat she was here, then she was gone.

I didn’t know it was the day
When she would gently drift away-
The nurses said that time was down the road.

For many hours I’d held her  hand
And when I could no longer stand
I sat nearby to read a magazine.

I cannot say with certainty
The moment that her soul leapt free
I feel ashamed and live with secret guilt.

I never should have touched that book
It robbed me of a final look
That might have told me she was on her way.

I had to wait til Laura came
And here her call my Mother’s name
And cry out, O my God - I think she’s gone.

I tell myself it was Mom’s will
To slip away when all was still
But yet I should have stood there at her side.

I might have sensed her spirit’s flight
Or seen some otherworldly light
Instead I idly looked at wedding gowns,

I feel I didn’t make the grade
And ever since that time I’ve prayed
That she’ll forgive the lapse and love me still.

Wherever she is dancing now
I hope she realizes how
My love is wrapped around her like a crown.

And as she starts eternity
With body new and spirit free
I hope she knows her heart lives on in me.

I think about her all the while
Sometimes with tear-sometimes with smile
But she walks closer by me than before.
  
The wisdom that she shared with me-
The training in the way to be
Are part and parcel of my very soul.

I’ll always be a part of her
Through any change that may occur
My love and fond remembrance will not fade.

So though she left without goodbye
To claim her mansion in the sky
I know she’ll save a corner there for me.

And come that future afternoon
Maybe distant, maybe soon,
I’ll hold her hand in greeting, not farewell.

And she will say she overlooked
My sitting down with bridal book
And that she knows I did the best I could.

She knew the measure of my love
And as she joined the realms above
Considered me to be her good girl still.

Then all the pain I’ve hid inside
Will disappear and I can glide
Into my own eternity at peace.          
                ljm

Disciples , Disciples , Disciples . . .
Everyone becomes one
Everyone denies the fact
We all run around
with some kind
of a monkey on our backs
Just like all of the
Marys , Bobs and even all the Sues
we crave to belong
just like they will to do
They gather in the forest
Cutting down the trees
Decorate them in gold and silver tinsel and many colored lights
Then turn them on and worship them in their celebrations far into the night
Is it a made to form idol
of wooden dreams desired
That is tossed out back in the alleys
Or burned up in the raging fires
Man makes the idols
God made the hands that do