We were the best of friends,
Spending all of our time
Together
I can do anything
With you in my life.
Now that you’re gone
nothing ever feels right.
Take the clouds away
And bring back the light.

Nothing really matters
Without you by my side.
When you hold me in your arms
I feel alright.
Baby, come back to me,
I’ll stay here with you
Don’t leave me here alone
Please, don’t say goodbye.

We can spend all day,
talk about nothing forever
You are the thing that moves me,
You make me better
The sun doesn’t shine,
The rain clouds set in.
I would trade all my days
For one with you again.

I never intended for this to happen,
I never knew what could be.
I didn't think you'd be much more
Than a friend, nothing more, you see.

I never intended to hold you tight
And share my hopes and dreams
I forgot what it felt like to be cared for,
To repair my broken and torn seams.

I never intended to feel what I feel
And what I feel scares me to death.
But what I feel is strong and it's real
And I will defend it to my very last breath.

Because I never intended to fall for you dear.
I was a broken and terrible mess.
You've helped me see what I can truly be.
I just had to get this off my chest.

Often heard people say,
You only love once.
True love only comes around once in your lifetime.
There'll never be more than one soul mate,
more than your one and only.
The one who is so terribly wrong for you, but loving him feels more than right...it is perfection.

I met him years ago, the beginning of Autumn.
New season, new love.
Never knew it would turn out to be THE GREAT LOVE.
We were both so young, passionate and in love.
But as seasons change, so do people.

I was a student, she already had a career.
Guess the choice was easy.
She was the perfect choice, I, well I was a bit too broken, too wild to be tamed.
I was the party girl, the tattooed one, too unstable to be loved.
If only he knew that the wild loves unconditionally...we love forever.
I wanted to cry out loud, pick me!
The words just never reached my mouth.

I saw him recently and after six years,
I knew...I just knew this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
He told me he is too messed up...too selfish to be with someone.
What if he hurts me?
What if he cannot give me the happiness I deserve?
God, does this man not know he is my happiness.
I believe everything in life is a gamble and I'm willing to bet my heart.
I am willing to try, but I cannot do it alone.

If ever I walk down the aisle,
Lord, please let it be him waiting there for me.
I do not want to be his whole heart, I just want to be the one letting it skip a beat.
I want to watch him fall asleep and kiss him goodnight.
I want to be his wife.

For when true love comes around, it only happens once.
Never will you love someone the way you love your soul mate.

To be continued...

One day you wake up and there it is...
madness staring at you with big, dark eyes.
You smell the unpleasant stench of the uninvited guest.
Go away!
You are not welcome here.
You put your foot in the door, but the hairy monster made it into your home...into your head.

Your heart starts to beat uncontrollably.
Dear Lord, do not let it go any faster, you might not make it.
Someone is choking you...please help.
No! No one is there.
Gasping for air.
Remember what she told you, breathe in and out...in and out...

Should you call her?
Reaching for the phone you notice your hands shaking...tremors they call it.
Much like an earthquake.
****! Keep still, you just can't seem to find her number.
Suddenly the little voices whispers with the sound of laughter, you are so useless, useless, utterly useless.
Make it stop.
Please go away, you plead.

You hide under the table, under the blankets.
It feels safe, I know.
Rocking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...
Stop doing it!
Lord, if You are out there, let it go away.
Let the madness only last awhile, for any longer than this you might be stuck in your own reality forever.
A reality which is not theirs.

And then the calmness sets in.
Like a lightning bolt it overwhelms you.
You do not know this.
You could never get used to this.
What is this?
Why is your mind playing tricks on you?
You get up with thoughts racing,
Is this me?
Is this what has become of me?
The more you hide, the more the madness starts to show...
On your face, the tremble of your hands, the wild look in your eyes, the speed of your speech.
You can never hide the monster which lives inside you.

And so you accept what is you.
They lock you up for weeks on end with people much like you.
No one wants to be in the presence of the unknown.
You scare them...
You know you will never be the same again.
The you that was, will never be again.
Family, friends, colleagues, even your children will at times not recognize you at all.
The sting of madness, that must be the saddest of it all.

They fail to remember,
You are only a wilted flower.
You can do no harm.
You are too sad, too pathetic, too lonely even when they are around.
An adult sleeping in a fetus position for you feel safe that way.
Crying and pouring your soul out to the monster who made their home inside of you.
That is what I have become and Lithium reminds me every night before I go to bed.
This is what I am.

What if your pain relievers
Don't relieve my pain?
What if those true believers
Don't believe I'm sane?

What if the way they stereotype me
Isn't my stereotype at all?
What if just being me
Is what they see as my downfall?

What if the stories they tell you
Are never really the truth?
Would you stand up and confront them
Or let them bleed out you?

What if my suicide
Wasn't really suicide at all?
What if it was first degree ******
Premeditated; assumed.

What if your psychiatric meds
Don't "clarify" and "soothe".
What if they don't control me
And my will isn't under control?

What if America was free again
From drug scandals and abuse?
What if meds were actually prescribed
To people of dire use?
What if the living were given chance to live with mistakes instead of the dead?
What if we assumed the living
Were imperfect until death?

What if we did not assume
That my mood swings are chemical?
That maybe I, one too many times,
Had encountered something to cause them?

Maybe I try too hard rhyme..
             But that's my style.
Who are you to judge my flow
             Poetry is how I breathe.
If you don't like it you can leave.
But if you do, then you can stay.
And I will read it to you as you sleep
And pray that God your soul will keep
For staying for me.
You're what I need.
Thank you

When he calls me darling,
his hand is holding mine.
When he calls me darling,
my anger lasts a short amount of time.
When he calls me darling,
all my sadness slips away,

Except when I realize he won't be mine,
all of those things replay.

But when he calls me darling,
I desire for just his touch.
I desire for him to hold me,
he does not have to say much.
And when he calls me darling,
the world is suddenly alright.

But when he calls me darling,
I remember he isn't mine.

But it still means the whole world to me,
and he still means a whole lot.
because he was the first and only one to know me,
with all my weaknesses or not.
He recognized my strength,
but caressed me for my weakness,
He recognized my reality,
its fatality and its craziness.
He saw all the walls I had built up,
and had painted to show how I felt.
Except my side of the wall was real and the other side was not.
I showed the whole world what I was capable of,
What I was faking and breaking up.
He recognized me for my flaws,
and accepted me for all.
He recognized all my mistakes
and took me by the hand, and showed me this place.
This place he was never capable of living in,
but that he had shown to many.

He took me by the hand and said,
"Darlin' here I am. And here is this place,
you can live here if you want to,
but not within my embrace.
You must choose one or the other,
eventually but not now. I will stay
but only for a while,
until you sleep safely in the clouds."

I chose not long ago,
to give up and release them both.
But he took me by my hand,
and told me darling,
you must go home.
That place was meant to be
the one thing that kept you going.
I'm here only for the moment,
and to keep your memories floating.

So go back, he cried,
and be happy.
Because I cannot give that to you.
But I brought you here my darling,
Let your sorrows wash away and disappear.

When he calls me darling,
his hand is always in mine.
And when he calls me darling,
I am reminded of that time.

When the whole world had wanted him,
but only was he mine.