I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself.
                                                              
No matter how many times I wipe your tears away
Or tell you how beautiful you are.
                                                                
You have to want to hear it and stop crying.

No matter how much I try make you smile
Or hug you close.

You have to want to smile and embrace me back.

No matter how much I wish I could save you.

The only person that can do that is you...

One day you wake up and there it is...
madness staring at you with big, dark eyes.
You smell the unpleasant stench of the uninvited guest.
Go away!
You are not welcome here.
You put your foot in the door, but the hairy monster made it into your home...into your head.

Your heart starts to beat uncontrollably.
Dear Lord, do not let it go any faster, you might not make it.
Someone is choking you...please help.
No! No one is there.
Gasping for air.
Remember what she told you, breathe in and out...in and out...

Should you call her?
Reaching for the phone you notice your hands shaking...tremors they call it.
Much like an earthquake.
****! Keep still, you just can't seem to find her number.
Suddenly the little voices whispers with the sound of laughter, you are so useless, useless, utterly useless.
Make it stop.
Please go away, you plead.

You hide under the table, under the blankets.
It feels safe, I know.
Rocking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...
Stop doing it!
Lord, if You are out there, let it go away.
Let the madness only last awhile, for any longer than this you might be stuck in your own reality forever.
A reality which is not theirs.

And then the calmness sets in.
Like a lightning bolt it overwhelms you.
You do not know this.
You could never get used to this.
What is this?
Why is your mind playing tricks on you?
You get up with thoughts racing,
Is this me?
Is this what has become of me?
The more you hide, the more the madness starts to show...
On your face, the tremble of your hands, the wild look in your eyes, the speed of your speech.
You can never hide the monster which lives inside you.

And so you accept what is you.
They lock you up for weeks on end with people much like you.
No one wants to be in the presence of the unknown.
You scare them...
You know you will never be the same again.
The you that was, will never be again.
Family, friends, colleagues, even your children will at times not recognize you at all.
The sting of madness, that must be the saddest of it all.

They fail to remember,
You are only a wilted flower.
You can do no harm.
You are too sad, too pathetic, too lonely even when they are around.
An adult sleeping in a fetus position for you feel safe that way.
Crying and pouring your soul out to the monster who made their home inside of you.
That is what I have become and Lithium reminds me every night before I go to bed.
This is what I am.

Often heard people say,
You only love once.
True love only comes around once in your lifetime.
There'll never be more than one soul mate,
more than your one and only.
The one who is so terribly wrong for you, but loving him feels more than right...it is perfection.

I met him years ago, the beginning of Autumn.
New season, new love.
Never knew it would turn out to be THE GREAT LOVE.
We were both so young, passionate and in love.
But as seasons change, so do people.

I was a student, she already had a career.
Guess the choice was easy.
She was the perfect choice, I, well I was a bit too broken, too wild to be tamed.
I was the party girl, the tattooed one, too unstable to be loved.
If only he knew that the wild loves unconditionally...we love forever.
I wanted to cry out loud, pick me!
The words just never reached my mouth.

I saw him recently and after six years,
I knew...I just knew this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
He told me he is too messed up...too selfish to be with someone.
What if he hurts me?
What if he cannot give me the happiness I deserve?
God, does this man not know he is my happiness.
I believe everything in life is a gamble and I'm willing to bet my heart.
I am willing to try, but I cannot do it alone.

If ever I walk down the aisle,
Lord, please let it be him waiting there for me.
I do not want to be his whole heart, I just want to be the one letting it skip a beat.
I want to watch him fall asleep and kiss him goodnight.
I want to be his wife.

For when true love comes around, it only happens once.
Never will you love someone the way you love your soul mate.

To be continued...

I waited and waited,
You never came.
Guess you had better things to do,
yet another comforting lie.

I forgive you for once again
I blame myself.
Maybe I am just miserable or too emotional.

But please, stop being busy.
Forever you are busy with yourself, other people.
And in the midst of it all you neglect to remember, I still need you.

Bear in mind though, I am used to it.
I have become so used to being disappointed, it is sickening.

However, I love you and I pray,
Yes, I pray, strange as it may seem,
We get through this and somehow
You will eventually care.

Nevertheless, do not be concerned.
I am in good hands here.
Take care of yourself and please
remember me.

Fear of abandonment all so familiar.
Try to still the sadness, the anxiety
which clings like wet clothing to a broken, bruised body.

Should I stay or should I go and try to find the God admired by many.

Being awake becomes scary.
Racing thoughts.
Absolute torture to fend for yourself.
Cold sweats, deep dark nightmares becoming the norm.

Always needy.
Forever apologizing though you are not in the wrong.
Giving all of you till there is nothing left
...a deep empty water well.

As day falls and night comes creeping closer the dark monster is sure to sink its claws into your skin.

Nothing is left.
Pure absolute emptiness and you find yourself alone...
Soul alone.

When you look at me, dry your eyes.
Your tears awaken intense emotions which I may have no control over.

Please do not care too much.
For one day you may wake up and I am no longer here.

Look at me, show me your smile,
For deep down I am still the person you got to know.

When you smile and say you will pray for me, remember I do not believe in your God.
For how can a loving God, the Almighty allow His children to suffer.
He who made heaven and earth is far out of reach...a phantom.

Yet, I plead, smile for I am still your mother, friend and daughter.
I'm just in pain, my pain, not yours.

Turn your back.
Please go now, for I might just bring you down with me.

My oh my...the absolute pure beauty of this man.
The calmness of his voice, a lullaby singing me to sleep.
The milky colour of his skin, a pool of white chocolate in a Swiss factory.

When he stares at me with eyes nearly closed, a tingling in my body takes over.
He looks right through my eyes, to my soul...the very core of my being.

His lips...rosy pink and kisses so intimate and intense.
It leaves me at a lost for words, my head all cloudy and for a moment, reality is lost.

However, this man is so broken.
Absolutely shattered like millions of glass stuck in wet, muddy grass.
His emotions so overwhelming and intense, it leaves me teary eyed.
I wanted to help, but my hand was too far out of reach.
I could not get to the part of touching his fingertips.

Like angels watching over you from afar, that is what I am to him.
It is over as certain as the angel of death who comes knocking without warning.
No chance of escaping reality now...this is it.

This is the part where the corpse are laid to rest, softly and tenderly under its sand blanket and slowly the grieving starts.

This is goodbye Deon...