I was going to write this down on a piece of paper.
But my mind is moving faster than my pen flow.
And  at this point it's hard to take things slow.
Particularly this piece.

I feel like a lost soul.
Wandering the space of time.
Trying to open my third eye but my face isn't progressive enough.
So I close my only two eyes
god I hope this works.

She told me " The universe is infinite"
I told her "I know"
She told me "To always write about my current state of mindset"
But it's extremely hard to do that when you're lost.

What does it mean though?
To be lost and to feel entrapped in the global blue?
Does it mean to write continuously about searching further than the universe?
Does it mean that my poetical element becomes far greater and deeper than when my mind is less conflicted?
Because if so, It means to gradually inflict myself to get to a greater stage.
To grow and to feel an abundant amount of emotions.
To be overwhelmed and then let poetry take it all in.

She told me "No, you are lost because the universe is larger than you"
I told her "I know"

I feel lost because I am searching for something that I do not know.
I wander aimlessly with a thousand visions and goals in mind,
but not enough time to find what  a "true calling could be"

I am  all alone,
trapped in my mind. all alone.
Lost and and wandering the unknown.
Searching for all I could ever know.

Green, blue, purple, brown. That's all I see.
The potential to write my best piece ever.
The potential to really figure it all out, to compare forever and always.

It's pretty dark here.
Just me and the infinite milky-way.
Just me and my ever moving soul.

She told me, "That's not it"
I told her "I know"

I'm thinking too much and not at all at once.
If this Piece  feels convoluted, I will not apologise.
Forgive me.

I feel pain and happiness at once.
I smile as I pierce through my skin with this bland razor
Tired of hearing you're a gladiator.

I'm too lost for that.
Stuck in this infinite galaxy,
searching for the sun.
They say it's everywhere.
How am I lost?
Someone please tell me, how am I lost?
I can't find a way
entrapped in this galaxy.
Why am I lost.
Forever lost
Tell me why being  lost is my always?

She told me "You're almost there"
I told her "I'm not"

"I'm still fighting my way, caged by my mind. I feel this is as far as I could go, I could travel the whole world. Begin and end my journey and still find myself in this room"

"I'm a lost girl"

"You're not alone"
"I know"

"Let me in, I'll show you why you were a lost girl"

CHANGES.

You were lost girl, I'll tell you why.
You were lost girl, I'll tell you why.
All alone, thats how you felt.
No one knew how you were all alone.
No one understood.
But I'm here now, you're not alone.
I don't think you know,
You were a lost soul.
But I'm here girl,
You are are more than what you see.
Let me show you.
Let me just take it all in.
I'll show you.
You're not lost girl.
There's reason behind me.

You're not alone.

"I'm here"

I don't have a reason to be sad.
I've been told quite a lot that there's no substantial trauma from my interaction with the world.
That I have a life that seems to be significantly solid and constant.

Regardless of my cries and need to not be the strong person in every aspect of my life or anyone's life that I seem to be in.
I've been put in a case where I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG.

I've cried to the walls and I've been comforted by the cold corners,
But none of that has ever been of human support.
And man, it's hard.
Hiding my pain
Taking all their strains
and it's hard.

It's painful
Because here I stand, scrapes and bruises all over my mental and there's no one to tell me everything will be fine.

No one to hold me tight, hug me and be strong for me.

I can't be strong for myself because I've drained all my energy on everyone else but me.

And at the back of my mind, something is telling me to numb the pain
But I don't want to go back there again.
At the same time, I'm afraid I'm already there.

I think I have been in various situations where I was sure that you're the one.
Blindly ignoring the red flags, the warning signs.
I was hell bent.
I thought you were heaven sent.

And I was wrong,
But I'm older and wiser now.

And I will not ignore the voice in my head or anything if at all my heart assumes that someone is. the one.
I want green lights everywhere, I can't base true love on anything toxic.

You stare into your mobile device.
Brows furrowed.
Searching for a sign,
A subliminal message.
Some sort of affirmation.

Why?
Let the past ponder on its own.
Let the future build itself.
Overthinking and searching so desperately for a sign makes it harder for fate to do its own work.

Relax yourself.

You’re the one the I need.
You’re the one that I wanted.
You’re the one I get hurt for
You’re the one that I lean on.

I sit outside contemplating if I’ll ever have the right words to fully orchestrate the greatest love song.
Pondering on the ideology behind each symphony and melody.
Trying to figure out if I can truly compensate for each octave. After all I’m no singer.

I stand before a very large crowd. All eyes on me. I hear each murmur from the background. It would seem they are all waiting on me.
Dressed and draped in black, my hands begin to shiver, sweat trickling down my forehead.
I don’t have the voice for this. How on earth do I put on the greatest show.

Deep breath, inhale, exhale. I tell myself. If it’s all for a love like no other.
Surely I can make this work. Somehow I can. Because if it’s for her. Then I need to become the greatest showman to date.

I want to say things like “I’ve never believed in fate and that every fibre in me believes there’s no destiny. That I always sought love to be superficial or more of a fantasy.”
However I’ve always been a sucker for romance.
And I always believed that love could enhance every bit of our surrounding. And in saying so. I am stating to you that you’re my comfort in ending. And I hope that having a knowledge of this is profound. Because at the end of the day, you’re the only love I need and have found.

I stare in awe at the crowd. At first lost for words. But to the thought of you, I’ve found inspiration. At the sight of you, my confidence sky rockets. I don’t know if you know but you’re my motivation. And for as long as I can imagine, all that I want and need is within you.

I’m a victim of love.
I have stood before Cupid and allowed for him to take a mugshot of me love drunk.
I’ve been in a position whereby I fought love and thought it was love.
But my reality always pulled me out of this dream. Dragged by gravity. I realised it was all idealised, conceptualised misunderstandings of what I thought was what my heart needed.
Because at the end of the day. The love I had given out was never reciprocated. It made me feel as if I was doomed.
As if I was to be consumed by the world and to be hastily chewed up and spit by the people that took my heart only to decide that it wasn’t good enough.

Feeling like you’re not good enough and being put in that situation is painful. I remember fully telling myself that I cannot be that again. I need love that is not only healthy but will help me grow and become better and be in a case of “Finally, I feel at home”

When you walked and came into my life. I never expected that.
I know I was wholly curious about you.
I know I wanted to know more, I wanted to know what makes you smile, what makes you laugh, what makes you happy, sad, confused, confident, what ticks you off, what angers you, what makes you. So you.
And how can I be apart of your life. How can I see that smile everyday and make you laugh and make you see the world the way I see it in your eyes.

And it’s weird. I know.
But when i heard your name for the first time.
It felt like my heart finally found its other half.
I love you.

In the case of me not ever getting over you,
I was worried that when you find love, I will live in pain.
And ultimately it would ,mean my feelings were and could have been in vein.
It would also be ironic, your happiness would cause the blood stains in my heart.
It's like, perhaps what I sought to be love that doesn't end was just a toxic figment from the start.

In the case.
But that's not what's at state.
I told myself that for me to love another, I must fully let go of you.
Of course I thought it wasn't possible, but my reality proved other.
For I too have found another.

She's not you.
She's not a predefined version of you.
She is everything I need and want.

And in the case you find love outside of me.
Know that I am so happy for you.

I believe at some point in my life I drilled the idea of being non comital in my head.
Crazy I know but I was so hell bent on not being hurt again.
Surely being a non emotional being means I HAVE NOTHING to gain.
I get it.
But I always stressed that I'm going to commit to those that need my heart.
Not the people that want to ****** with it and then suddenly disappear because their heart isn't solid enough to handle mine.

While in this situation of non commitment. I also believed in soul mates.
The sole idea that there will always be someone for you, that at the end of the day love is our fate.
It's our destiny.
And that's good enough to keep my concept of love sane and not in vain.
But as the pain of heart break coursed  through my veins, it became difficult to hold on to that thought.
It's weird I know, but it's perfectly human.
To have mismatched feelings and contradictions.
But you must understand, I know you've experienced the same things.

To have the whole of you belong to someone who couldn't properly cater for it.
To over and under-assume that they are your one and only.
It's sensible, we are human.
It's the only humane thing ever.

Now this story is long.
I want to apologise but I know you love some story telling.
So I'm here to tell a tale so please hear me out.

When I saw you.
I don't want to say corny things like my heart skipped a beat.
But it did, and it was weird because I didn't know how to react to that.
My hands were clammy, My mind was running.
How can I talk to this royalty and have her find me funny and adorable.
How can I make her smile?
How can I hear her laugh and feel prideful because "I did that"

Remarkable.
Undoubtedly, How I felt then is ten times more than now.
You have no idea how much my heart belongs to you.
How every fibre in me tells me you're my soul mate.
My sole mate.

It's my dream to take care of you.
To show you love and make you feel everything that you make me feel.
I want to watch you grow and become the successful Queen you're meant to be.
I want to be there by your side as you battle each demon, as you win and as you lose to become stronger.
I want to be there for you.
Every single step.

I want to hold your soft hands
And instantaneously transfer how much I am willing to protect and make you feel safe.
While also demonstrating the safety I immediately feel with each hold.

I want to be in an endless timeframe and watch you wake up.
I want to be the first t see those russet eyes, glow with happiness.
I want to leave butterfly kisses on your forehead and watch your subtle smile spread.
I want to whisper sweet nothings and hug you.
My mornings are best with you.
My soul feels complete knowing I'm with my sole soul mate.