slicing through my veins

unpolished tenebrous matte and raw

a hero knows when to die on her knees

unfailing cavernous submission red

kneel and repent, retreat, descent

good girl

good girl

one time
we were floating in the pool
(i don’t know whose)

and you told me about the conversations you were having with your therapist
how she challenged you to make the idea of
killing yourself
so complex that it would just be too much work to do

and as i floated nearby
eyes watching yours
our skin pale and wan in the moonlight and that muted waterglow from beneath us
i remember myself wondering why i knew
that we were never meant to be

our hearts too alike, perhaps
you always called me insane
but i never wanted to **** myself
i never had to come up with plans too obtuse to carry out
i did not tell you my thoughts while we pruned in the darkness

no

instead i longed simply not to be
that every night when i closed my eyes
my consciousness would cease
no future
no tomorrow
no wailing, clawing, inexorable creeping of time
tearing me apart molecule by molecule

i did not wish for death
but i did not wish to live
and trapped in that terrible ennui
you (and you) (and you)
drifted away from me

until the moon clouded over and i was alone
floating in the pool
(i don’t know whose)

Hope is my refrain
because logic didn't work
and passion ran dry
and I wouldn't feel as bad
if our roles were reversed,
but I hate that you have it and I don't
so hope is my refrain

because I really thought I was feeling better
and maybe it is time
to search it out,
but I just can't do this
if I keep dreaming tangents
so hope is my refrain

because it's true
we're better off now than ever before
but it's still hard to see
and harder to feel
that my it is better than yours
if we were to compare,
but we can't
so hope is my refrain

because I'm the one on the up and up
but I hate that you still wear the necklace
that I gave you for luck
when you light another match
and burn another fire,
and I can't take that necklace back
so hope is my refrain

because we have to believe
that we all find ourselves
and each other
and there will be a smile and a laugh
to light up every day
and to that end,
hope is my refrain.