I remember when I would help with dinner at my grandparents house.
My grandpa would always have me cut up vegetables.
He always told me I was holding the knife the wrong way, he didn't want me to hurt myself.
He would hold my hand and help me cut the vegetables so I would learn.
Well now that I'm older I dont need help.
Now that I'm older I avoid dinner.
I know how to hold knives.
The difference is that now I don't care how I hold it.
I am so careless.
Cause when I put it to my paper skin and watch the Ink fall out I just keep thinking about how my grandpa would remind me to hold it right so I don't cut myself and he would put his big hand over mine and show me how to do it the right way so I don't hurt myself.
But grandpa  now that I'm older that's all I use knives for.

My head is an ocean of empty
Which makes it a trench
It used to be full of life
Now it's dirt
If you tried to jump in you would fall so hard
Your head would break open
So please don't fall
I already did
Falling ***** when you don't have the energy to grab onto something to save you.
I don't think I want to be saved
I'm okay with falling tonight
Cause its easier to swim in an ocean without water anyways.

I cant quite connect with some poems
Cause it's
Their words
Their head
I'm sure they understand it though
It's theirs.
My words
My phrases
Become me
They are in my head
But not everyone understands my head
Even I don't understand my own head
For some reason though when I write it down it makes perfect sense to me.
And I that's what I find beautiful about poetry

It all makes perfect chaos
How the shadows light up my face
The moon hates me
It tells me to **** myself
Depression works for the moon
They have an unhealthy obsession with me
Depression holds me captive at night until the moon says to let me go cause the sun starts to glare in.
The sun used to save me
Bring back my smile
But the night never leaves anymore
I try to ignore it.
But its hard to ignore something that has consumed you.
I'm scared.
What I'm going to do to myself.

Here I am again
Sitting against the door
Shaking hands
Shaking chin
Water splashing on the floor
I try so hard to calm back down
Make the monsters run away
I never invited them over
They just barged in and demanded to play
I thought I locked them out for good
I was happy again
Until now
Now I hear them calling me out
No ignoring them anymore
So here is what I have to choose
My poison
Number one or two?
Both will **** you
But which kind do you want?
Neither? Well that's too bad cause you're picking one up.

Are you okay?
You just look dark
The sparkle in you seems gone
I don't know
You're not the same
You're empty
But full of something
The terror of something is seeping out of your eyes, its replacing the light that was there
I don't know if I can help
I get glimpses of who you were
Of who you are
I don't know where you went
Please come back
I don't like this new you anymore.

Since my puppy died I decided that I need to start living more
For her
I know that's bazare because it was just a dog. She wasn't though.
She was the reason I fell asleep
The reason I didn't go through with plans
She helped me calm down
My best friend
I know its sad and pathetic that a dog was my best friend
I don't care though
Cause watching her paw go slowly limp
Holding her white fluffy fur for the last time
It was heartbreaking
It broke something
But it also flipped a switch
I need to learn to be okay with myself
Cause you never know who is going to leave or when they will
But when they do
You need to still be okay.