i watched the way you watched that girl at the beach
the way the salt water fell off her smooth, bronzed skin
down the supple curve of her hips
ever since then
i have tried to mold my waist into an hourglass shape
tried to scrub
and tear
and squeeze away the thickness in my thighs
or the jiggle of my belly
or the blackened purple stretch marks that travel up my abdomen

i watched the way you watched that ******* the beach,
and ever since then i have wanted to be her
beautiful, smooth and perfect
but all i have found as i scanned the expanse of my body
was acne scars, scabs that used to be bug bites,
the tiny bumps on my arms and the tiny hairs on my chin

i watched the way you watched that ******* the beach,
she was the kind of perfect i will never be

you pull me in
and push me away
hot and cold
you want me
without commitment
pull me close in dimly lit hotel rooms
your chest against my back
while you laugh about how i’m such a good friend
i have always wondered what we are
but it’s those three words i am always afraid to say

how do i articulate
the way i crave to open my veins and watch the universe pour out
the red
dripping down the sink
my temporary fix
i lust for the sting of my forbidden lover
it has been three years since your stainless, shiny lips kissed my arms
and my thighs
i long for you to hold me again

my heavy heart
weighs down my soul like anchors
i am lost at sea
come and find me