Who will be my knight in shinning armor?
Maybe I won't have one...Maybe I will...
Will he have blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes? Or will he have brown flowing locks and chocolate brown eyes?
Will he be tall or short? Rich or poor?
            Will that even matter?
If I find my knight will he swoop me off my feet?
Will he stay with me forever? Will he be mine and I his? Will he come or will I have to save myself? Should I search for him or should he find me? Will he go to school with me or will we meet when I'm traveling the world...
Will he be my best friend? Will he save me from the darkness I feel inside? Will I meet him at all? Will we die in peace together?
             Do I have to change to find the love of my life?
Will he be my prince and I his princess?
Will he hold me when life crumbles down or will he be the reason I need to be held in the first place?

So where are you my knight? Where are you now? Can't you see I need you? That I need to be held, that I'm lost and need to be found?
I need to be brought back to life and that's where you come in...
             Will you come rescue me?
Do I have to save myself?
What if I'm not strong enough? Will I die alone and unhappy just because you never came? Will you break my heart? Can I be found... Can I be fixed? Can you mend this broken heart? Can you be here for me and I for you?
Will you EVER see me? The True me? If you really were my knight in shining armor wouldn't you see? My prince.. my love? Who will you be?

Will it be you?

If I had to ask you for something before it happens,
I'd probably ask for a kiss. Something
To ease the pain. A spark of warmth
Out here. The garden is cold. The night is cold it's all
Cold. So please don't let me go,
Alone and cold.

Or

Or would it just make it worse? Maybe the kiss
Would be colder than the night air that mocks me
Now. Maybe it's a bitter token,
One final joke: You, my friend,
My best friend, selling me with a kiss
Goodbye.

Alone.

So alone here. While others sleep carelessly, I wait
All by myself. I wait for you to
Finally come along and end this. You have to know
I love you. So please come back soon, kiss or
No kiss. It's so cold, I'm so tired, and I can't be
Alone anymore.

please

My back slides down the lockers until I hit the floor. I look at the girl across the narrow hallway from me. My feet are almost touching hers. When I noticed i swiftly folded my legs in. She read the script, her voice soft and somewhat silky, matching the long light brown hair falling over her shoulders onto her chest. She continued reading, laughing as she tried to do a British accent. I smiled with her, forgetting the rest of our group was there. Lost in the beam of light floating down through the window to caress her cheek. I could see myself dating her. She is beautiful. Theres no chance I thought, yet she is talking to me, we are in a group. I blushed when I realized i had zoned out to the thought. They had said it was my turn to read. I didn’t want to try and make my tongue work, not in front of her. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the swirls in the ray of light, so gracefully lighting up her ivory skin. Maybe I like her. Its been months since I have actually liked someone. She would never though... Still I enjoyed the moment and began to read.

You waked me in my deep somber
Another day to think and wander

Here I am concealing my sadness.
Hiding away all the madness.

I just can't forget
These feelings of regret

Help me forget this agony
Help me stop this misery

My hair falls flat and lifeless
Your fingers no longer run through it
My forehead crinkles in bitter thought
Since your lips no longer rest there so easily
My eyes brim uncontrollably throughout the day
Because yours no longer meet mine with any feeling
My nose doesn't feel much different,
Except your hand no longer gives it those playful pokes
My cheeks still get warm and red
But now it's with embarrassment at what a fool I am, you obviously no longer find me attractive
My mouth forms frowns more than ever
When I'm lost in memories since you no longer breathe life into me with every kiss
My neck feels too exposed
Now that your hands and mouth no longer gently move there

My shoulders both sag and carry tension
You no longer provide joy (or give shoulder rubs)
My arms feel empty
Your body no longer presses against mine in a warm embrace
My hands grasp thin air in the night
When I wake up and remember your fingers no longer interlock with mine
My chest always feels tighter
When I see your face because your heart no longer beats for me
My stomach rolls in a much different way
Because you no longer give me butterflies

My back doesn't feel strong
Like it should for someone of my age since you no longer give me reasons to feel strong
My thighs are simply a part of my body
They don't tremble anymore because your hot breath and touch no longer linger there
My knees are weak
When I think that you may have no longer loved me for a long time
My feet ache at the end of the day and it's noticeable
Because I stood through another day with you no longer by my side

My brain tells me that you're no good for me, it wasn't meant to be
You no longer have the feelings I'll always feel for you
My heart tells me it can beat without you, it's stronger than all of this
But it's having an awfully hard time now that you're no longer mine

The winter is brisk, but not half as cold as you've become.
How can you say you loved me once?
When I look into those eyes that once seemed so warm,
I only see shadows where your soul used to be.

The winter is brisk, and you're a shell of yourself.
When did you change?
It must have been all the words the doctor used to describe you.
Crazy, depressed, nervosa-syndrome-disorder
There's bandaids where I used to see your beauty.

The winter is brisk, and you're in my head but I'm not in yours.
Why didn't you come back?
The therapist convinced you our love was poison.
But it was the only thing keeping you human.

I can't shake you back to life this time.
Snowglobe darling,
I'll watch your snowflakes fall,
and listen to what's left of your sweet melody.

I* am jealous of
your *bed
your sheets
your shirts and perfume
and smoke of your cigarette

because they wrap and cloud around you
touch you, feel your dark, soft skin
feel your warmth

when I cannot do those things
when I am too far away
spending my lonely afternoons
wishing to be

your bed
your sheets
your shirts and perfume
and smoke of your cigarette.

At precisely 01:58am I logged;
I am
So
Unhappy
I write with pain and anguish
Playing games with
All, including myself
I tell stories that
Feel so real and
Yet, in hindsight
Seem like lies
I log;
I’m really happy right now
That was Saturday
At approximately 17:35pm
I remember because
At that moment
A person, I love
Typed; it’s so good to see you happy
You deserve it
I smiled, kept walking and agreed
At 02:02am it is Tuesday morning
A tear drop falls to
The page, where the pencil
Has written and now
Smudged,
It reminds me of how
Easily my emotions change
And are forgotten
How easily they are erased
Because all I say
May as well
Be
Written in something that
Can be easily washed away
This is how I live
And I can’t keep living
This way,
I am a broken toy, a soul
Who has been hurt by those who
Barely even realise what they have done
No apology, only lies, disloyalty, betrayal
All because I took a stand
Alone.
Maybe I always will be
Maybe I never love in the right way, or enough
Maybe I am not enough or any of it is enough
Nothing I give is enough
Lovers pass through me
I am like their garbage
They throw me out, toss me out as though
I am nothing
It is hard to believe I will ever be
Anything
Anymore
An empty vessel lost at sea
Oh the cliché
Relying only on air to live
Until I final pass, unwillingly
To greet those I too have lost
Above.
Unnoticed, unseen, I am simply
Gone.

© Sia Jane