i wonder if her toes crack
if she sneezes three times
if i dipped my fingers into all that hate would they
come out black

dripping ink.

you know, i tried to remember
last year and how that felt.
i tried to remember and i’m drawing a blank.

a splattering of starlight
a shattering of salt on her lips and
the way she spoke to him.


i’m not sure if this hurts you.
the way it’s always about a girl.

Tormented souls
Longing for answers
Search to hold
What they think are cures.

Countless times
At my beck and call
You'd come running
When I'd fall.

Gratify my lust
Wash away my desire
Give me what I long
You who I admire.

She came to my rescue
But couldn't see my defeat
And she is longing
Another's standards to meet.

Want, is not strong enough
Lust, is not strong enough
Hate, is not strong enough
Frustration, is not strong enough
Perhaps nothing will console the coals in my soul,
Help me experince the things that will make me whole.

Lean into me
eyes wild
I’ll watch lust
dance at the surface
when—

Lean into me
tear trails
etched in dust
I’ll hold on
until—

Lean into me
lips feverish
embrace must
last unbroken
but—

Lean into me
and feel
ourselves rust
as rain drips down
until—

Lean into me
for now
we can trust
we’ll never know
when—

until—

but—

—

you are
packaged and neat, impressionable
too deep in me, as if
never removed,
hostage

summer
burns and dissolves me, forces lust
into the open; I sweat
and you see it
with shame

we are
two, not to be confused with two
together, since we are
two apart, just
two souls

but then
when you aren’t yourself, and yet
more so than usual, you
kiss me sweetly
softly

you burn
as i do; clean through, sensitive
and raw, just two touches
of me and you
sigh slow

summer
packaged and neat, impressionable
and raw, just two touches
kiss me sweetly
with shame

It’s past 2 in the morning and the only thing holding you two together is the group chat a classmate administrate because both are you (and others, of course) are generally in the same group for this semester but you are split in classes but you have two that are the same together. An assignment is due to be emailed that night and he just got back from god knows where and you’re a tad curious (maybe more) because during old times, he would tell you the things he do simply because you were the best company and the both of you complement each other. He said that he was going to pull off an all-nighter and you can’t help your fingers from typing down a witty response.

The nostalgia taking over you as you shot bullets of reply to him because he was doing the same. Soon enough it seemed as though you two were the only ones alive in the group along with a few other irrelevant comments to your bickering. His last message was an icon of a high five and you purposely left him hanging and close the application in your phone. With a soft chuckle, you shook your head and continued reading the poetry book you recently bought.

He knows you like the back of his hand, and it just hit past well about 4 in the morning and you’re still awake. What do you know it? A message from him- asking why you left his last message on the group chat hanging. That personal conversation went on as if you were in the past again; as if he wasn’t dating your ex-best friend, as if you weren’t hurt being left because it was that play where the two of you were the main characters with an unattached past. Your story is the type of love where you’re best friends and you know you get a bit giddy when it’s way beyond your bedtime. You’ve been involved with writing poems after you were left to be on your own and this idea was blown to you.

You send him a poem of which you wrote but you give him under a pseudonym so he wouldn’t know it’s by you. He said that it was deep and probably something he doesn’t think he can ever reach in an emotional level of expressing. It hit you. He was the perfect critic for the other poems you wrote. So you gave him a few more and it happened. He asked you if you’ve written any. Could this be the chance for you to finally prove to the only boy you’ve been stupidly pining on that you’re doing sort of well and that you just need him to subconsciously be the muse of your work?

You make a deal. 5 poems and he guess which is yours. He whines that 5 is too much as you’ve already given him others before. You really wanted him to read what else you still have so you reduced it to 3 and he grudgingly accepted (like the little whiny boy you have grown to love him to be). You gave him one about your ex-boyfriend, another about a boy you were infatuated with and lastly, one about him. And you waited. You waited for what it seemed like hours when it was just a petty 10 minutes. He narrowed it down to the one of him and the other boy. You guessed he would have let go of the one about your ex-boyfriend because he was there when he hurt you.

The paranoia seeps into your soul wondering if his could feel the one you wrote about/for him. Finally, he chose the one you wrote for the other boy because he rather sort of knows about that short amount of time where you really thought you really could like him. You hadn’t realised that you were holding your breath the whole time he was deliberating which to choose. A voice spoke in your mind telling that you should be grateful that he chose the one you wrote for the other boy as if he had chosen the one you wrote for him, what excuse behind that story are you going to make up?

And with that, the conversation of your writing opened up to a whole new request. He asked what else have you written about and you said just about your past and your broken family and such. He knows how bad the situation with your family is so he asked if you had written about the new spectacles you started wearing at the beginning of the semester because your vision gradually went from 20/20 to blurred lines during your current time in college. You perked, what to write about these glasses, you asked. He joked saying anything, but it has to include his name.

You were intrigued with the idea and agreed. He retracted saying that he was just joking as how do you put a name in a poem anyway. You just told him you’ll think about it but after saying that, you grabbed your pen and paper and began writing. He wanted it to be about your glasses and inclusive of his name, then you’ll give him just that. Your conversation lasted until dawn and believe it or not, you fell asleep first and missed your morning class at 8. When you woke up, a message from him (sounding as if he’s snickering at you) asking where you were.

Oh, the heavy weight of lying. You told him that you weren’t feeling well and that you’re going for the afternoon class at 2 instead (not with him).

After that class finished at 4 p.m., you sent him the poem you wrote for him the other night. He said that it was really good but he never questioned about him. You really wanted to prove that you could take up the challenge of writing a poem and having his name. You said, “You wanted a poem with your name, so here you go” and he was dumbfounded (as you quite expected). “But I don’t see my name anywhere”.

You told him that the beginning letter of every two lines spelt his name. His reaction was one you’re to treasure.

It was a bittersweet ending to your little fantasy story as that will be the last you’ll hear directly from him for months to come.

I've always been
the impatient kind,
but for you,
I'd wait a lifetime.