My dear friend, I know it’s been some time now, but it seems just like yesterday,
when I held your trembling hand so tight.
You still cross my mind all the time and I smile, even though tears are burning my bloodshot eyes and my lips are starting to shake.
And my throat is sore from all the screaming and I can’t say a word anymore.
How come, I became so weak and minuscule?
I don’t know, but your departure broke me, my sad and lonely friend.
One moment you were there next to me, smiling, laughing, and your beautiful eyes sparkling filled with the beauty of innocence and youth.
The next one you were gone, behind grey dreary walls of hospital, pale, weak and with pain and suffering on that lovely face.
Oh my friend, I’d give it all just to see you again, feel you again or hear you again.
Instead I only have faded memories of you and me, and dusty framed pictures keeping our once existing smiles and jokes.
My weird crooked smile is still there, but after everything I’m not so sure about yours.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t change anything, that I couldn’t help you when you fell into the arms of that lurking demon, that cruel illness called leukemia.
I can not describe how bitter I am since that day.
My whole world came crumbling down, breaking walls that were not that high, crushing everything I have ever known.
My desperate screams and tears couldn’t change a thing; we could only hope that you will survive and that we will hear again that divine laughter of yours.
Oh my friend, you were only fifteen, you haven’t even tasted craziness and beauty of your young life. That is probably the thing that broke everyone; you were just a child, facing cold death.
Now when I think about it, I’m not really sure if you were just my friend.
There was something about you I never felt before. Of course I was too young and foolish but you can’t say that to this pure heart that’s pumping my blood.
It sang such cheerful melodies in your presence; it was pounding in a way, for me still unknown. Now my friend, I’m not sure anymore what have you been to me.
Less than a friend certainly not, but were you something more?
I believe that you were my first love, even though I never had a chance to kiss those galaxy lips and look deeply into those starry eyes, green but freckled with ocean blue.
But I will always remember you and things we did together, and every touch of your hand that made me melt inside. Our jokes and games and pranks we did to your twin brother. This tragedy would probably be less sad if I was the only one who lost you. You were a brother and a son and everyone loved you because of the positive energy you brought to life no matter where you were. Watching your life passing in a blink of an eye is terrifying. I’m sure that you deserve so much more my love, if I can call you that now. You were too good and I’m so sorry that you didn’t get your chance to fight and to see all the beauty of this world upon us. I think of you every day. And every time I wish you were here.
Call me crazy, lunatic or not able to let go, but I made a promise that day in the hospital. I promised you on your deathbed that I will live for you, that everything I do I’ll do it for myself but you too. You knew your ending will not be so happy, even if they did everything they could. I remember looking into your eyes and feeling sad, they were not sparkling and playfully looking at mine. Your eyes were absent, just like your soul, they looked grey and cold. With last atoms of your strength you whispered quietly, like you were telling a big secret. Oh I remember those words so clearly. Of course I’m not going to write them here, then our secret will be gone. But you said you loved me and told me to stay strong, that you’ll be watching me from the sky full of stars, whole day and whole night, or something along those lines. I still try to see you among the sun rays and twinkling stars, and even if I don’t see you I know you’re there. And your presence means so much to me. I’m so sorry I was never brave enough to tell you how I truly felt. I feel guilty, but hope you maybe knew something or felt something similar. After years and years, your brother told me that you really cared about me, that I was important to you. I do not care in which way, I’m just happy that you talked about me with him. And I’m so glad I met you, because you changed my whole world. You changed who I am. I just hope that one day I’ll find someone as pure as you, someone full of inside beauty and secret meanings behind his words, with eyes just like yours, with no evil in them. I hope for better days, when I’ll stop missing you, but I’m not so sure that is possible. I will always miss you my friend, crush or lover, I will always keep looking for you my missing puzzle piece. I will love you forever. Your death can't change anything I ever felt towards you, I will always keep memories of you in my heart and my head. So goodbye my lovely friend.