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Ophelia Oct 2014
I hate the feeling I get
when I think about you
Your eyes,your sweet smile
your even sweeter lies

I hate the feeling I get
when I hear your name
My heart stops
and I can't breathe
My throat is sore and I start to shake

I hate the way I see you everywhere
In every stranger, every dark corner of the streets
I hate the way I find pieces of you
in music and my favorite songs and poetry

I hate the way I can't hate you
And I miss,oh I miss that one
night that you were mine
even if it wasn't for real, even if it all was a lie
I had you once,for one moment
nothing more
Oh why can't I let it go?
Ophelia Oct 2014
I am calm as the sea.
People get confused, they claim the sea is wild and free
but the metaphor there they cannot see.
Every time I try to swim I just simply sink
tied down by anchors of my past, or at lest
that's what I think.
I need you so, but it's my fault I let you go,
I set you free 'cause I simply knew we couldn't be.
Your words are haunting my head
late at nights when I'm all alone, I can't stop wishing I was dead.
It was you and me, but never us
and there's nothing more to discuss, I'm left here with open cuts.
So I'll swim in this endless sea of pills and alcohol, and as I'm fading away from here, I'll finally be calm as the sea.
Ophelia Sep 2014
Happy little pill,
I need you so
To take away my pain
To try to keep me sane
Show me the right way
I'll consume you everyday

Happy little pill,
Numb my heart
Dry my eyes
Bring dancing colors to my skies
'cause all I see is grey
Fill my mouth with the truth I want to say

Happy little pill,
Promise me your intention is not to ****
Free my mind from their empty hearts,empty eyes,set me free from their lies
Give me the ease from this world so cold
My soul's still not sold for******* and gold

Happy little pill,
Our friendship is real
But I shouldn't take another one
Yet I know I will,I know I will
I'll take one for me
And one for you
One for everything I couldn't do
One for what was and for wasn't
What the hell,I'll take two dozen

Happy little pill,
Take me away
Mend my smashed heart
I love your bittersweet taste
When my mind goes to waste

Happy little pill,
You are the one I need
I want you my greedy soul to feed
Set me free from all the things I did
Take me to my eternal bed,dirt will be so cold and wet
It's my new home,2 foot wide and 6 foot deep
Happy little pill you'll be the only one to weep
Ophelia Aug 2014
Sometimes we're sad and we don't know why
We can pretend everything's fine but what's the use
We need understanding as much as painter needs his muse
But who can help when our souls are bitter?
No, in our blood there's no glitter, our veins are not neon
Our hearts are black, our minds are wasted
I guess we all know that feeling when you don’t want to be just
A shadow of yourself
Special state when you need to recover but you can’t really learn
How can you run, how can you change when you are paralyzed
Just another monster disguised
All you feel is empty and numb  and you just wanna feel something
Even if that is pain
So you pray for someone to break your bones to feel them healing
because depression is a endless feeling
just a little something I wrote,it's nothing special...
Ophelia Aug 2014
My dear friend, I know it’s been some time now, but it seems just like yesterday,
when I held your trembling hand so tight.
You still cross my mind all the time and I smile, even though tears are burning my bloodshot eyes and my lips are starting to shake.
And my throat is sore from all the screaming and I can’t say a word anymore.
How come, I became so weak and minuscule?
I don’t know, but your departure broke me, my sad and lonely friend.
One moment you were there next to me, smiling, laughing, and your beautiful eyes sparkling filled with the beauty of innocence and youth.
The next one you were gone, behind grey dreary walls of hospital, pale, weak and with pain and suffering on that lovely face.
Oh my friend, I’d give it all just to see you again, feel you again or hear you again.
Instead I only have faded memories of you and me, and dusty framed pictures keeping our once existing smiles and jokes.
My weird crooked smile is still there, but after everything I’m not so sure about yours.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t change anything, that I couldn’t help you when you fell into the arms of that lurking demon, that cruel illness called leukemia.
I can not describe how bitter I am since that day.
My whole world came crumbling down, breaking walls that were not that high, crushing everything I have ever known.
My desperate screams and tears couldn’t change a thing; we could only hope that you will survive and that we will hear again that divine laughter of yours.
Oh my friend, you were only fifteen, you haven’t even tasted craziness and beauty of your young life. That is probably the thing that broke everyone; you were just a child, facing cold death.
Now when I think about it, I’m not really sure if you were just my friend.
There was something about you I never felt before. Of course I was too young and foolish but you can’t say that to this pure heart that’s pumping my blood.
It sang such cheerful melodies in your presence; it was pounding in a way, for me still unknown. Now my friend, I’m not sure anymore what have you been to me.
Less than a friend certainly not, but were you something more?
I believe that you were my first love, even though I never had a chance to kiss those galaxy lips and look deeply into those starry eyes, green but freckled with ocean blue.
But I will always remember you and things we did together, and every touch of your hand that made me melt inside. Our jokes and games and pranks we did to your twin brother. This tragedy would probably be less sad if I was the only one who lost you. You were a brother and a son and everyone loved you because of the positive energy you brought to life no matter where you were. Watching your life passing in a blink of an eye is terrifying. I’m sure that you deserve so much more my love, if I can call you that now. You were too good and I’m so sorry that you didn’t get your chance to fight and to see all the beauty of this world upon us. I think of you every day. And every time I wish you were here.
Call me crazy, lunatic or not able to let go, but I made a promise that day in the hospital. I promised you on your deathbed that I will live for you, that everything I do I’ll do it for myself but you too. You knew your ending will not be so happy, even if they did everything they could. I remember looking into your eyes and feeling sad, they were not sparkling and playfully looking at mine. Your eyes were absent, just like your soul, they looked grey and cold. With last atoms of your strength you whispered quietly, like you were telling a big secret. Oh I remember those words so clearly. Of course I’m not going to write them here, then our secret will be gone. But you said you loved me and told me to stay strong, that you’ll be watching me from the sky full of stars, whole day and whole night, or something along those lines. I still try to see you among the sun rays and twinkling stars, and even if I don’t see you I know you’re there. And your presence means so much to me. I’m so sorry I was never brave enough to tell you how I truly felt. I feel guilty, but hope you maybe knew something or felt something similar. After years and years, your brother told me that you really cared about me, that I was important to you. I do not care in which way, I’m just happy that you talked about me with him. And I’m so glad I met you, because you changed my whole world. You changed who I am. I just hope that one day I’ll find someone as pure as you, someone full of inside beauty and secret meanings behind his words, with eyes just like yours, with no evil in them. I hope for better days, when I’ll stop missing you, but I’m not so sure that is possible. I will always miss you my friend, crush or lover, I will always keep looking for you my missing puzzle piece. I will love you forever. Your death can't change anything I ever felt towards you, I will always keep memories of you in my heart and my head. So goodbye my lovely friend.
I wrote this fo my best friend and a crush. He died in 2008 from leukemia. I miss him so much and I'm so sorry that I couldn't write anything better.I will always miss you.
Ophelia Aug 2014
Haven’t they told you I’m a monster when you met me?
I think they still have not found a specific name for it, what I am.
But haven’t they told you that you can not trust the person who is always happy?
Well I’m always happy.
That person does not care about anything.
I do not care about anything.
More importantly, I do not care about you,
And every “I love you” I have so far spoken, always so sincerely,
Because I’m the worst liar in the world, was just a request for you to stay a little longer,
It was just a sign that maybe I feel something at four in the morning when you kiss me or hug me or bite me while you’re falling asleep.
And I’m lying next to you and pretend to sleep because I cannot sleep until the dawn.
Because I’m afraid of my dreams although your breathing calms me.
You said once that I’m yours, but I think I will never be yours when I’m not even here,
When I think about it I don’t know if I’m even mine.
Haven’t they told you what I do to people that I said I love them?
I thought they warned you about the way I always listen and laugh and everything is still good, everything is fine, of course honey that’s okay, I’m not mad, I’m never mad.
How could I be mad when I don’t even care?
And always those “I miss you” as I do not really know yet weather it was true or I just wanted to smell like you.
I thought they told you what eventually happens with the people who heard my “I love you”.
And after all the talks at five in the morning and touches and my lips on yours and my calls and your mind games and those **** walls I never managed to crash, because my walls were equally high, and my words that did not respond to the question “how are you” and yours that equally hid your thoughts and all of my drunken massages,
You do not know weather I was just bored or I really loved you.
Haven’t they told you I’m a monster when you met me?
I'm sorry if there are any mistakes
Ophelia Aug 2014
When I die
Don’t let a tear fall down
Just give me my shameless rusted crown
And throw my ashes somewhere cold and blue
But please don’t drown all memories of me and you

Let the ocean take me

When I die
Please know I’m watching you from this holy sky
And when it rains it’s me crying, calling you, letting go
I know you think there’s so much beauty in a storm
But you don’t know darling, it’s me screaming your name in deep rage
Endless pain and agony

Let the ocean take me

You may think I have left you alone and unprotected
But we both know that’s far from the truth
I was left by you a long time ago
It’s like I was invisible to you
Yet you used to make me feel invincible when I was next to you
I still remember the time when you didn’t have to take to feel alive
You didn’t have to make our worlds collide  

Let the ocean take me

That last night still crosses my ****** up numb mind
Your shiny empty eyes and cold words and our fights
I was yelling trying to reach your sanity
But first I had to fight off your vanity
Sorry I wasn’t loud enough
You hit me and calmly confessed
All your hatred towards me
My eyes became so blurry
I could barely see

So let the ocean take me
Yes, the title  is inspired by a band, The Amity Affliction and song Don't lean on me

— The End —