I try to give myself grace
I try to hold the space
But I find that when I say
“if it’s not right now,
it’s okay,”
I feel like I’m lying

I want to get it out
without incisions
but I have my doubts
And with all the time
I’ve taken to find,
it feels like
I’m not even trying

I have no superstitions
about the end
But if it all could
just begin again…
I feel more comfort
than I’d like to in believing
that everything will stop happening

If I could find out what I want
and ease the anger at everyone
I hold each knife in my back
like a shield of armor
that leaves me vulnerable
And I find that when I say
“I know everything
will be okay”
it feels like a lie

To end the weight of grief
To have something to believe
To heal the wounded knife
To find out what to find
To have somewhere to belong
To know my favorite song
To garner the strength to try
before the new year’s ending