with keeping myself together. i'm trying to work on all the pieces. i have nothing left. i have the smallest will to live, even though i know there is so much to do and see, people to meet and places to go. i just don't want to keep feeling how i feel. i wish i was excited to wake up every morning. like how i used to be when things felt good. like when a new day felt like a new start. not now all it feel like is endless days. the weeks repeat themselves. the thoughts and feelings crawl back, and i crumble at their touch. i feel so dead but so alive because i have so much going on. i feel dead because i keep telling myself, i will get through this exhausting time. we're all struggling. i know. but ******* it really hurts all the time just to be here.