Dear father,

I still remember the last time I saw you

It's funny, because you looked just the same as you always did
Like someone
Who was never really mine.

Like a stranger in disguise
Who's reality only exists
When I close my eyes and fantasize about you being in my life

But I guess
When you heard you should live your life without
Regret
You mistook that for my name

And I wonder if you will ever understand the pain
Of knowing someone only when you imagine them
Or loving someone who thought
Never talk to strangers
Was a lesson best learnt by example

But they say actions speak louder than words
And you became so consumed by your own self worth to really give a **** about who you hurt

So you became the expert
At manipulating words
Like turning
I love yous into sorrys
And
Tomorrows into yesterdays
Until it was safe to say I couldn't count on you

Dear father,

Because of you
I constantly found myself falling in love with things that could never love me back

I became infatuated with sandcastle and snowflakes

Addicted to temporary moments
Addicted to broken

Thought if I learnt to fix things
Then somehow
I might find the manuscript
To piecing the shattered part of my being whole again

Because of you
I spent years trying to cover this skin that you left me with
Tried decorating these scars
With tattooed hopes
To remind myself
That sometimes
Some things
Were made to last forever

Because of you,
For years I avoided looking into the mirror
Because I never truly knew
If you could love someone
You only ever met in passing

You see
I mistook your ***** for water
I never realised I was internally drowning in your poison
I thought I needed you to stay afloat

It took me a long time to realise
That ***** was just your way of relieving yourself from blame

You became a box full of things
I packed away the day you left
But I've stopped trying to hold on to your burden

So I've taken out my smile
And I'll wear it with pride

And Dear father,
Did you know
That if you repeat a word enough times
Then eventually the word will start to lose it's meaning?

And I've stopped wishing I was still young enough to understand
What the word father meant

And now no know
That if I ever see you again
Then you will look just the same as you always did

Like someone
who doesn't deserve to be mine