I miss you

I miss your wide eyes that glistened in the sunlight

Those eyes could see such beauty within life

Even something grey could become something neon

Those eyes could visualize entire worlds out of objects in a shopping basket

Plain paper was a portal into another dimension or had invisible ink that only you could see written upon it

I miss how words would spill off your tongue whereas now you go to speak

And half the time you choke on sentences because there is too much anxiety in verbalizing your beliefs

You used to never hold back, you would tell others what you think

And when beaten down you’d use that pain to create and find ways to escape

You could get yourself into danger but always found safety because you were safe within yourself

You used to laugh, you used to scream

You used to cry, you used to show the world your feelings with your face up to the sky

Telling the world you weren’t afraid because you knew keeping things inside would eat you up alive but then they told you to be quiet and as you aged you became so silent

I miss how you were your own best friend and didn’t need anyone by your side and though you felt so lonely at night

You would wake up the next day, walk out into the daylight glowing because nothing would ever stop you,

Not even the slamming of doors or the fists in the walls because you had done wrong

You were so fearful but you’d never run crying,

You’d walk away slowly showing people that you didn’t run when scared because you had courage flowing through your veins

So many things tried to break you

But then slowly over time, your bones started to crack under the weight of everything and the spark inside of you began to dim-

The worlds filled with faeries became plagued with demons

And finding safety within yourself was impossible

You lost all you were good at

There was no more laughter

No more screaming

No more crying

And your face could no longer bear to look up at the sky because it felt like you’d been feeding yourself lies and the idea of trying to survive felt so pointless

The loneliness, the slamming of doors and fists hitting walls became lists of reasons you no longer wanted to be alive

The fear grew so intense that you locked yourself into your room believing that you weren’t deserving of life

You locked up those emotions because you were terrified to tell the world how you were truly feeling behind your false smiles,

The world kept reminding you how unwanted you were so why would it care that you prayed for death every night on your bedroom floor

I miss you

I miss how happy you were and how you would run across the grass arms spread out singing out into the silence

Or singing whilst walking through the streets because you had songs blossoming in your heart and didn’t give a **** that you couldn’t really sing

You kept writing those songs but they remained hidden because you didn’t think your songs worthy enough to fill any silence, everything you did felt so ugly and unnecessary

I miss you

And I am sorry for losing you so quickly and never bothering to find you

And for all the other loses yet to come

For all the hardships that you still have to go through-

You’re somewhere though, I can still feel you inside

And I think it is you that is the reason this butchered heart is still beating.