Broke out of town and left everyone
To spend a year and a half
Outside myself and in the sun
But now I hide in the wake
Of closed walls
And only think of home when it rains
(It rains all the time but it does not last long)

The armor of discovery lost its weight
Like love lost its chains
So there was nothing to keep my kite-string heart
From buffeting in the ionospheric storm.
Now there is no light
It is all shadows, uncomfortable heat
And night as black and harrowing
As a scorpion in fear

Now I am always careful where I tread
I have learned to make a room full of fast friends
And enablers without any words being said

Quit the drug so I could finally
Fill those endless spaces
Took it up again once
I had squandered all meaning
And sunsets were no longer enough
Could only watch the lotus pools bleed
On the wrong side of dawn
Red-eyed and watching pilgrims
Reach absolution on the screen

Used to envelop myself in poetry and art
But now all words spoil
By page or by mouth
And no scream is enough to reach
This distance I feel
All emotion recorded long after
The feeling has gone
Everything I knew
Only realized after the fact

A familiar transition
Broken embankments
Where old scars bleed ancient terror
Into everyday humdrum moments
Crawl from the pit
Cowered in a squat
Bones jutting out amongst
The first smoke of the morning
The impending disaster woven
Into the tapestry of routine

Always had a strong will and bloodied wrists
I’ve washed my hands a thousand times
But they never emerge clean
Thought an omnipresent sun
Would remove the painful seasons
That decimate my progress every winter
But the sun only gives energy
If you are rooted to this world

Now everyone is pregnant
Or promoted
Confident or at least competent
Sharing easy conversation
Whilst I sit and struggle to breathe
Part of me got on the plane
In the hope someone
Would tell me not to leave
Now time has moved so fast
I’m 6000 miles from home
Yet it is I who cannot move on

It is I who trades sleep for chemicals
Fleeting feelings of calm
Passed through anything I can
Sniff, snort and swallow
Another half-cut legion
Chained to the mast
My endless depression
My humdrum delusion
My panic attack