It shouldn't hurt as much as it does
Yet my heart is entirely unreasonable
We haven't been seeing eye to eye lately
It wants, and longs and begs
For things it could never have
Things it could never deserve
And I tell it it's being foolish
Try to reason with it
Try to explain why we don't
Nor long
Nor beg
I've thought of locking it away
Put it on a time out
But I can never go through with it
It's just taken so long to get it to actually
And long
And beg all

                                      M•(e). Díaz

Me Díaz Aug 14

If death shall come rapping at my door
I shall welcome it with open arms
And with a kiss on each cheek
Seat it at the throne
And tend to it as my guest of honor

When death decides it's overstayed
And goes to finally depart
I shall get on my knees
Tug at its garment's seams  
And with tears in my eyes
I shall beg for it to take me with it

I have nothing left to lose here
Nothing left to give
And my heart's finally gone cold
Only pains in places where memories
Still linger as a lover's passionate kiss clings
And I believe I've finally lost my mind

Ah yes, when death comes rapping
I shall gladly welcome it with open arms
And with joy outpouring,
When it agrees to take me,
Follow it in thankful adoration
When death finally deigns to come rapping at my door.

                                        M•(e). Díaz

I haven't been feeling all that well lately, hence my total lack of presence or even lurking, and I think this is the only site where I allow my honest emotions and thoughts to be seen, as jumbled as they may come out. But it's officially been two years since my last attempt...
Me Díaz Jul 24

Me gustas a tiempo
Y a destiempo
Y pienso en ti a cada momento

Como el pétalo que cae de una rosa
Y no solloza
Lamentando su caída
Si no en alegría
Gozando el adornar el suelo por donde pisas

Así me gustas a tiempo
Y a destiempo
Y pienso en ti a cada momento

Como la luz que golpea tus pupilas
Y no lastima
Si no es que alivia
La oscuridad que se anida
Y en el alma resplandece agradecida

Así te amo a tiempo
Y a destiempo
Por que eres mía
Y solo a ti pertenezco en todo momento

                          M•(e). Díaz

Some more Spanish stuff.
Me Díaz Jul 19

It's in the way that we live our mortality
That we become immortal.


M•(e). Díaz

Because I believe we all live immortal in the way we touch someone, and in our works as artists and writers.
Me Díaz Jul 18

You said you weren't one to do feelings often
Said they were a rare occurrence
Like Venus transiting between Earth and the Sun
Or an even rarer total solar eclipse
I got the feeling you meant it as a warning for me
"Do Not Attempt  To Transit Between My Earth And My Sun,
No Passage Shall Be Granted"
And I assured you that neither did I
...but I lied

                                  -I've already initiated takeoff

M•(e). Díaz

C'est la vie
  Jul 18 Me Díaz
Sean Scribbles

Life is one wave
After the other
And the swells and lulls
In between

Sometimes they hit you, and sometimes there's calm
Me Díaz Jul 14

The first time it happened I was three
I knew not what it meant then
My uncle, an Adam, balls bare
Crouched under the shower
Exploring parts of me
I knew not yet how to name

I was only three so
He thought my memory'd fade
And his sins would be expunged
And I never told mom
We were on vacation, you see?
And anyway, how could I?

But I did tell you, my dear ex-wife.

I later tried it
with the all too eager boy next door
Behind the church
But I wasn't sure if I liked it then

The second time it happened I was six
And she was my cousin
And in bathing away the day's play
Her fingers "slipped" deep in that place
And it made me laugh 'cause it tickled
So she did it again
'Till mom knocked and said it was time for bed

I never told anyone
And she thinks my memory gone
But later that night, she showed me hers
And said it'd tickle her too if I touched
So I did

I never even told you, my dear ex-wife
I never touched a woman like that again
'Till my teens

But in fourth grade Damian asked for a
hand-job under our shared desk
While Mrs. C.  spoke of the nation's heroes
And the one that wrapped the flag
around  his body as he was shot down
off the Chapultepec Castle's tower
Sixteen year-olds protecting the military school  from The Americans
Or was it the French?

I never told anyone about this either
I never even told you, my dear ex-wife

I don't know if any of this means anything.
But I know that sometimes I get flashbacks
When a sex scene comes on screen
Or when friends or family kiss and
are affectionate with their partners
And I get a little nauseous
and I feel uncomfortable

Sometimes I freeze when I'm touched
And everyone laughs
and they say I'm a "bad huger"
But I don't know how to explain being touched feels wrong and I feel filthy and my skin burns

But how can I say that?
When at the same time I'm overtly sexual
And everyone says I'm just a pig
And I do believe it
But I also freeze when the touch is not consensual
And I can't muster the strength to defend myself

How do I explain that my body feels dirty?
How do I explain that I can't look at my
body in a mirror?
And that I'm barely beginning to be able
to even look at my facial reflection without shame.

But you left before I was ready to tell you any of these things,
my dear ex-wife.
You left before I could tell you
that you made me feel safe enough to want to do so.

The third time it happened I was drunk
And I was passed out and out of my senses
The third time it happened was only  
a few months ago and I had just turned thirty-two
The third time it happened my friends
Made me feel like I had no right to feel abused
Because I was drunk and I am a "whore"
And "that was your decision."

The third time it happened, my dear ex-wife
I realized I was ready to tell you everything
Because you always made me feel safe and I need to feel safe
But you're not here
And I don't know what this means anymore
And I don't feel safe
And I feel paranoid
And I feel judged
And I really don't know what this means,
But I wish you were here.

This was really hard to write, and I'm only writing it for healing purposes and I may erase it right away. But it feels good to get these things off my chest.
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