I wish someone would’ve caught this when I was looking at suicidal poems online,

when i was sitting in my room so stuck in my mind I couldn’t move,

when i stopped eating,

when i started losing interest in my life.

I wish someone would’ve caught this a year and a half ago on the 14th of February

when i was in so much pain that digging a pen into my thigh was a relief

Instead I made friends who were in as much pain as i was

who understood my want to die

who didn’t tell me that i needed help

who didn’t talk me into a therapist.

By the time I asked for help by myself it was august a year and a half after my depression became noticeable

2 years after I stopped eating more than two things at lunch

6 months after i became suicidal

6 months after i spent a night in my room begging to die on my birthday listening to the same song over and over crying  because i didn’t want another year of life

i wanted to die

I wish someone would’ve caught it…

But I catch it now…

Or I try to, others help me catch it, others do whats best for me.

I didn’t get help till 6 months after i was suicidal

It makes sense that 3 months and one year later I’m still struggling

especially when i only decided to live for myself 44 days ago on may 9th

I imagine its always harder to undue something than it is to do  it.

So i imagine its gonna take longer than 6 months to overcome my suicidal thoughts.

especially if it took me a year and 2 months to decide to live after a year and two months of wanting to die

fight my darling and remember,

I love you