Its the modern day cliche for a teenage kid to say some form of music saved them. Its a messy statement, putting a lot of pressure onto something other than yourself, giving yourself the unhealthy idea that you must find salvation somewhere that's not you. Truth is, those outside sources only make you realize the strong desires in yourself to get better, and they spark the fire that chases you out of hell. Cheesy as it is, its still you though. You made the effort to get better, you saved yourself. That outside source just helped.

Which is why its so utterly ironic that when I was a young high school student, I was convinced music had saved me. Repeat on repeat I listened to certain lyrics, trying to enlighten myself to make a change. That repetition is half the reason I don't believe its the music itself that saved me. If it was the music, the first time I heard it should have changed everything. The meaning of the song never changed, I was the one who changed. I made it better. It took time, and a lot of pain and stress, but I came out of it.

So as I fall back into the depressed patterns, I find it oddly comforting to go back to repeat and play those same words over and over again until something gives. I can feel it building inside of me, the slow change, and I may not be fully there but its coming. I may not be happy right now, but i will be. I am no longer moping around and avoiding responsibilities, I am doing something. I may not feel that great and I may not be so utterly enamored with what I'm doing, but its something. Maybe it will help the process along.

Maybe I am not who I want to be right now, but the journey is just as important as the end result. Now all I have left to do is to keep going, because life starts now.