Jul 2015
________________________________________
Mommy,
I know you always try your best,
I try to pass all my tests,
but I can't pass anything but math,
and the problems we have I don't know how to solve,
because I'm working with numbers that don't work in the context of the problem we've been having,
and I'm trying my best each and every day,
to just spell my name correctly,
C-A-T-H-E...what comes next,
I don't remember,
Now I feel dumber than my little brother,
I can't read anything harder then a **** and Jane book,
is this why at school,
by everyone each and every everyday,
I'm ignored and overlooked,
Mommy,
I never want to see you cry,
and every night I don't see it,
but I hear it,
and I hear you pray for me,
pray for someone to help your child in the ways your not able to,
because you can't always help me,
Mommy,
I know you don't deal with everything very well,
and sometimes when you yell,
it becomes more than shouting,
you and daddy fighting,
yelling about me,
every single day,
I hide in my room and cry,
because when I didn't I worried about getting hit,
for not paying attention,
or my homework,
or doing the things i constantly was told to stop doing,
Mommy,
I couldn't help it half the time,
So I cried when I came home from school,
Because everyone picked on me,
kids beat me up on the bus,
people took my stuff,
and recess and lunch were worse,
Mommy,
they put me in the corner all alone,
because I had allergies,
But everyone just thought I was a bad kid,
Everyone hated me,
No one wanted to play with me or be my friend,
no one could even be nice to me for a minute,
Mommy,
I peed my pants everyday,
two to three times a day too,
because people scared me,
and eventually I out outgrew this,
but my nails disappeared,
as did my voice,
Mommy,
I come home everyday and I cry and scream,
and that's the only noise I ever made,
for all of second grade,
my communion pictures make me cry,
because I look so sick,
at the time I just wanted to die,
Mommy,
I was in third grade,
when I know I had self harm for the first time,
Did it in the middle of class,
and no one said anything to me every time,
I pulled my teeth out,
Or the time I stuck my finger in my pencil sharpener,
closed my eyes and turned,
so my nail came off,
and maybe they would let me get out of that class room,
because every day that year was brutal,
Mommy,
I was still in third grade,
when I stopped eating,
wasn't a hard thing,
with my ADHD diet,
and the thing you never know,
that me and Daddy just keep to ourselfs,
Mommy,
when I fell off my sled,
I really fell off the deck,
and that's how I broke my leg,
Daddy saw me jump,
and I wish he was the one who missed it,
and you had to of seen it,
Mommy,
I didn't wanna live,
that was after my 8th birthday party,
you came and yelled at me in front of my only friend,
and she didn't even go to school with me,
and you chased me around the house yelling,
making her uncomfortable,
I thought I lost all my friends,
I honestly didn't know what I had left,
Mommy,
do you see why no one has ever come over since,
why I stopped having birthday parties,
stopped everyone from being near me,
I only wanted people to treat me well,
I only ever hoped for that,
I never asked for all the pain that I've gone though,
Mommy,
You always told me I was scared of men,
But I've seemed to always have anxiety and Depression,
Since I was a little kid,
Mommy,
I thought a boy loved me,
I opened my heart to another man other than the one who made me,
Loved him more then I loved the god we prayed to every Sunday,
Mommy,
I cried,
The night I let him **** me,
Because I had no where else to go,
Because Home,
Was no ******* home,
because the abuse
became too much to bare,
Mommy,
Look at my scarred body,
I dare you,
Don't try to fix me with your prays,
I don't need you to cry another night over me,
I don't want you to have to go to your mother and cry because of me,
I just want you to see,
Mommy,
Look what the world's done to me,
look what the world's done to your daughter,
from the nail biting, teeth and hair pulling little girl,
who then starved herself & tried to die by jumping and eating peanuts,
Mommy,
I've only gotten worse,
because I've taken up burning,
writing all the hateful things on my,
chest, legs, arms, breast,
Just to scorch my skill off,
Mommy,
I never cut myself till I was in 8th grade when I learned what self harm was,
and I didnt think I was doing it,
I just started talking paper clips and things that scratch the surface of skin,
I didn't ever think it get deeper then the top of skin,
Where I'd see my blood drip out from under paper clip,
I soon used other things to get the job done faster,
Mommy,
just look at my skin,
touch my skin,
do you believe it now?
like they had to do in the bible for Jesus when he returned from the dead,
see i'm as dead as the living dead come
Mommy,
I came back to stay forever,
and not pick up and leave for days,
not telling you where I have been,
Mommy,
every mark was never from you,
It was from those who brought us apart,
trying to take my from you,
Mommy,
every ounce of blood in my body came from you,
you never gave up on me,
even when I have given up on me and you,
Mommy,
I hate this school,
I told you think from day one,
I want the damage they did to be un done,
I want to feel free again,
I wanna feel like I can be happy again,
Mommy,
I haven't been happy for a while,
and even though I have not smiled for years,
in that same time,
I haven't seen yours appear,
Mom,
as the days, weeks, months and years passed,
the steps between us became miles that put u in a heaven leaving me,
under the sea level,
I just was to reconnect,
But things that break can't always be fixed,
so I write you at 16 years old
But
Dear mommy,
I've been trying to reach you since I was 6 years old,
we've lost 10 years of our lives,
because people wanted to make us hate each other,
and fight,
but I will write you one last thing,
my apology can't be worth more than this,
Dear Mother
I love you,
**please believe it
Mommy,
I know you always try your best,
I try to pass all my tests,
but I can't pass anything but math,
and the problems we have I don't know how to solve,
because I'm working with numbers that don't work in the context of the problem we've been having,
and I'm trying my best each and every day,
to just spell my name correctly,
C-A-T-H-E...what comes next,
I don't remember,
Now I feel dumber than my little brother,
I can't read anything harder then a **** and Jane book,
is this why at school,
by everyone each and every everyday,
I'm ignored and overlooked,
Mommy,
I never want to see you cry,
and every night I don't see it,
but I hear it,
and I hear you pray for me,
pray for someone to help your child in the ways your not able to,
because you can't always help me,
Mommy,
I know you don't deal with everything very well,
and sometimes when you yell,
it becomes more than shouting,
you and daddy fighting,
yelling about me,
every single day,
I hide in my room and cry,
because when I didn't I worried about getting hit,
for not paying attention,
or my homework,
or doing the things i constantly was told to stop doing,
Mommy,
I couldn't help it half the time,
So I cried when I came home from school,
Because everyone picked on me,
kids beat me up on the bus,
people took my stuff,
and recess and lunch were worse,
Mommy,
they put me in the corner all alone,
because I had allergies,
But everyone just thought I was a bad kid,
Everyone hated me,
No one wanted to play with me or be my friend,
no one could even be nice to me for a minute,
Mommy,
I peed my pants everyday,
two to three times a day too,
because people scared me,
and eventually I out outgrew this,
but my nails disappeared,
as did my voice,
Mommy,
I come home everyday and I cry and scream,
and that's the only noise I ever made,
for all of second grade,
my communion pictures make me cry,
because I look so sick,
at the time I just wanted to die,
Mommy,
I was in third grade,
when I know I had self harm for the first time,
Did it in the middle of class,
and no one said anything to me every time,
I pulled my teeth out,
Or the time I stuck my finger in my pencil sharpener,
closed my eyes and turned,
so my nail came off,
and maybe they would let me get out of that class room,
because every day that year was brutal,
Mommy,
I was still in third grade,
when I stopped eating,
wasn't a hard thing,
with my ADHD diet,
and the thing you never know,
that me and Daddy just keep to ourselfs,
Mommy,
when I fell off my sled,
I really fell off the deck,
and that's how I broke my leg,
Daddy saw me jump,
and I wish he was the one who missed it,
and you had to of seen it,
Mommy,
I didn't wanna live,
that was after my 8th birthday party,
you came and yelled at me in front of my only friend,
and she didn't even go to school with me,
and you chased me around the house yelling,
making her uncomfortable,
I thought I lost all my friends,
I honestly didn't know what I had left,
Mommy,
do you see why no one has ever come over since,
why I stopped having birthday parties,
stopped everyone from being near me,
I only wanted people to treat me well,
I only ever hoped for that,
I never asked for all the pain that I've gone though,
Mommy,
You always told me I was scared of men,
But I've seemed to always have anxiety and Depression,
Since I was a little kid,
Mommy,
I thought a boy loved me,
I opened my heart to another man other than the one who made me,
Loved him more then I loved the god we prayed to every Sunday,
Mommy,
I cried,
The night I let him **** me,
Because I had no where else to go,
Because Home,
Was no ******* home,
because the abuse
became too much to bare,
Mommy,
Look at my scarred body,
I dare you,
Don't try to fix me with your prays,
I don't need you to cry another night over me,
I don't want you to have to go to your mother and cry because of me,
I just want you to see,
Mommy,
Look what the world's done to me,
look what the world's done to your daughter,
from the nail biting, teeth and hair pulling little girl,
who then starved herself & tried to die by jumping and eating peanuts,
Mommy,
I've only gotten worse,
because I've taken up burning,
writing all the hateful things on my,
chest, legs, arms, breast,
Just to scorch my skill off,
Mommy,
I never cut myself till I was in 8th grade when I learned what self harm was,
and I didnt think I was doing it,
I just started talking paper clips and things that scratch the surface of skin,
I didn't ever think it get deeper then the top of skin,
Where I'd see my blood drip out from under paper clip,
I soon used other things to get the job done faster,
Mommy,
just look at my skin,
touch my skin,
do you believe it now?
like they had to do in the bible for Jesus when he returned from the dead,
see i'm as dead as the living dead come
Mommy,
I came back to stay forever,
and not pick up and leave for days,
not telling you where I have been,
Mommy,
every mark was never from you,
It was from those who brought us apart,
trying to take my from you,
Mommy,
every ounce of blood in my body came from you,
you never gave up on me,
even when I have given up on me and you,
Mommy,
I hate this school,
I told you think from day one,
I want the damage they did to be un done,
I want to feel free again,
I wanna feel like I can be happy again,
Mommy,
I haven't been happy for a while,
and even though I have not smiled for years,
in that same time,
I haven't seen yours appear,
Mom,
as the days, weeks, months and years passed,
the steps between us became miles that put u in a heaven leaving me,
under the sea level,
I just was to reconnect,
But things that break can't always be fixed,
so I write you at 16 years old
But
Dear mommy,
I've been trying to reach you since I was 6 years old,
we've lost 10 years of our lives,
because people wanted to make us hate each other,
and fight,
but I will write you one last thing,
my apology can't be worth more than this,
Dear Mother
I love you,
**please believe it
Really old poem I finally am going to post.
