There was a still darkness
seeping in through the car windows,
and we turned up the music
and we smoked six cigarettes
and we talked louder than we had to
and we laughed at things that weren't funny
and we drove passed your house,
eight or nine times
before we stepped out into it
We did all we could to keep it outside
but it was inside of us all along
so all the noise
was just noise
And all the movement
was just movement
And we knew that
as soon as we were alone
in our beds at home,
we would have to face it
And we were better at
hiding
than we were at
confrontation
But there was an eerie,
sharp pain in
the backs of our calves,
through all the pretending,
that served as a reminder
that we couldn't talk forever
and we couldn't smoke forever
and we couldn't
drive to the ends of the earth
Not in your beat up two seater
But we just wanted
heat and closeness and music
We just wanted something
other than the darkness
to hold us
We could never hold ourselves,
We knew that
We weren't the kinds of people
who held themselves
But we were sick
of feeling like we were dreaming,
when we were wide awake
We were sick of feeling
like we were seeing the world
through a scratched,
and dusty lens
There was something growing in our bones
that we didn't know how to describe
It was a dull aching
that didn't come from the outside
And the thing that would eventually
drive us out of our minds
was that we never
really could find
a safe place to hide

Hell is for those
Who don’t believe in Heaven!
And
Heaven is for those
Who care for others!
And
Nothing is else!
Nothing is else!

I thought going to his funeral
when we were 14
& he was 15
would always occupy
the darkest,
most excruciating
space in my soul

Until her funeral,
when we were
all 16

But I was wrong,
both times

It wasn't losing
our wisest friend
to raging hormones,
****** parents
& a rope
that left the
strangest,
most mutated
bruise

And
It wasn't losing
our quirkiest friend
to striking anger,
a rainy night on
a windy road
& a sports car
that left the
deepest,
most potent
cut

It was losing you

And having this crushing
knowledge that you still
live in the town
that we grew up in,

you still light fires
in the back yard
where we used to
drink your dad's beer
and play his guitar,

you still sleep on the mattress
we used to drag down two
narrow flights of stairs
into your living room
on Saturday nights
when the stars were clear
through your sky lights,

you still drive that
Subaru outback
that's decorated in
dents & scratches
from all the times
we needed to
feel brave,

you still get the mail
at the bottom of
that dirt driveway
we scraped our knees on
every summer from
the time we were
twelve til the time
we were eighteen

And knowing that none
of that matters

The most unique agony
that's ever turned
in my stomach
is having this crushing
knowledge that
if I stretch my
arms out far enough,
I can poke you in your
puffy hazel eyes
but fearing you have
grown so cold
that my fingers
might just freeze
on contact

It's missing you
when you are so close
that I can smell
your tires burning
on the gravel
up Stone Road
but not being able
to hear your voice
the way I remember it,
all laced in
purple warmth
& yellow light

The selfish truth is,
at least I know why
Kris & Sergei
aren't with me,

at least I can tell
myself that if they
still existed on the same
earth as me at all
they'd continue to
tell me stories
sitting Indian style
across from me on
my kitchen floor

You're a rawer,
more lethal
kind of aching,

a more honest,
more dangerous
kind of void,

cause you know that
I am still right here
but it's not enough

You lost those friends too

You know how it felt

And despite all the breaking
you did for them,
you chose to **** me off
like some rotting
parasite in your
passenger's seat

I filled myself with
you for eight years
And if I could
be open with you
one last time,
I'd tell you that
I'm scared shitless
to tip myself over
and let that all
pour out
cause I don't
want to find out
that without you,
murky water
and slush
is all that's left

But like you always said,
"Let's ******* do this thing
before it gets away"

You make me feel pretty,

delicate as fairies, a bit cheekier than usual

in an old faded grey -stretched by the tumbles of the washing machine and dulled by the sunshine- t-shirt and old boxer shorts.