i wondered where your eyes went when you would look outside,
or when you, yourself, went when you touched a tree.
it's like you went somewhere else,
or where so grounded that you were that somewhere else.

it just felt like i was doing everything wrong.
it's beginning hard to tell if your distance is actually there or in my mind.
i know sometimes people get bored but of me, but please,
please, not you.
you're the best thing i've had in a long time
and i know you won't hurt me
but why is this hurting me?
it's not supposed to hurt right? or is it?
i can't tell anymore.
please tell me it's in my head,
please tell me you still like me.
i can count the messages we've exchanged in the past few days on both of my hands and it's terrifying.
i don't know if i'm too much or too little.
i'm used to the abandon and the demanding and the mean,
but no, please,
please, not you.
i keep reassuring myself that you still want to be here, with me.
even though i marked it as a blue day in my mood tracker,
i want to go to sleep knowing you still like me.
i'm afraid it's gone to your head, the things you hear about how we're supposed to be, or how you expected me to be.
please tell me it's in my head,
please tell you still like me.

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but then everything was silent,
everything was silent.
and i saw you sitting across from me,
breathing and with a beating heart
and i could hear it, i could hear you.
and everything exploded again.
i felt my heart expand and burst into millions,
over an over again.
your hand touched mind, bringing me back.
our hearts synced and i could never ask for more,
i will never ask for anything else other than moments like these.
moments like these with you remind of it is to be aline.
to truly be alive.

it was so weird.
i didn't doubt anything yet i expecting you to ask for my clothes,
you didn't.
i felt like a teenager dating another teenager.
two boys enjoying each other's company,
liking each other for our own self.
not because you twitched in your pants when i sat a certain way or dressed a certain way.
but just us.
teenagers, finally.

you just wanted somebody to talk to,
i knew that, i saw that.
i saw in the way you stayed awake until one in the morning,
knowing you still had to go to work when you woke up.
i can't help but think of how long you've gone silent,
how long you felt like you needed to be silent.
but not anymore,
i knew that, i saw that.

it's crazy.
you aren't here anymore, in my life i mean.
months ago, i would be so ******* sad about this fact but...
i'm okay, i'm really happy actually.
if this was still a few months ago, i would still be broken.
but i'm not.
i feel free.
i chose myself, again.
and this time for the long run.
i couldn't stay with how you played with my mind,
convincing me for favors,
making me feel bad for feeling,
making me feel bad for feeling sad because of what You say to me,
but not anymore.
i choose myself.
i'm free.