Because I was 4 when my first love broke my heart. My breath was never the same since my mother broke me into million pieces, and to this day she never apologized.
Because I was 6 when I knew what death was and watched the love of my life go to the other side. I watched her die in my arms, couldn't speak for months, could never be the same since she left this world.
Because I was 13 and when my girlfriend hold me in her arms and I could only think about the places I don't belong.
Because I was 14 and this girl said to me "You're the love of my life" hoping that I would say it back but I couldn't, wasn't that person anymore, couldn't bare any more lies inside me.
Because I was 14 and this girl said "I love you" but I couldn't say the words, felt like I should keep them for someone, someone that I wasn't even sure if exists.
Because I was 15 and I fell in love for the first time, finally learnt that love is not selfish, it doesn't take place or time, doesn't demand anything besides being fed everyday with kind words and beautiful smiles. Finally learnt why I always felt like my words were meant to someone else, finally understood that maybe I wasn't homesick, I was peoplesick.
Because I was 16 when I finally understood what Charles Bukowsky meant when he said "we are all trapped by a singular fate".
Because after all this time that name continues to softly humming in my head. But who's name is it? I still can't hear it. Because she's now gone too and I can't do nothing but miss her. But who is she anyway? Because she will never know how much I love her, because her voice makes me go numb, because her face still lingers after seeing so many others, because no one will unravel me like she did, because sometimes two humans can be a forest and love is a destruction fire. Still, I'll always welcome her home whenever she comes knocking at my door. If she ever does.
(But who is she?...)
Because I was 16 and I started dating another girl but late at night I always knew that I shouldn't. It's not ok to use people to fill your holes. I found that too early but still it was too late to stop, couldn't hurt anyone anymore, that's what I thought. I was always aware, I always knew that people date people they don't love to forget those they love because once you experience love you feel afraid. Love is a powerful thing and most of us run the opposite way because we can't handle being loved.
We are only scared little humans, screaming to the world "come, love me, please" but we end up kissing the wrong person goodnight, we end up sleeping with an emptiness in our chest, we end up living guilty for the rest of our lives. Why are humans so afraid of love? Why do they accept things just for comfort?
Because I was 16 and I said "It's over", and those words still feel like an echo that runs through my head.
Because I was 16 and I was seeing the girl I actually loved kissing another person. It still feels like a knife that I can never take back. It still haunts me everytime I lay awake.
Because I am 17 and I blocked all my feelings. I blocked everyone that I don't want to remind. I blocked everything that hurts. And now people ask "what happened to you?", I don't even know the answer anymore.