Darling,

Maybe I've seen too many movies, you know? Maybe I've read too many romances or maybe I've listened too many songs about love.
You keep saying I have this habit to romanticize everything and to believe in things that aren't real. I wish I could prove you wrong, but maybe you are right. But this is utterly your fault, my love. It was because of you.

I started to believe in what the dreamers call "love at first sight" when I first put my eyes on you and that warmth in my chest, that feeling of belonging when I had a far away view of your face in the distance, that unknown force that made my throat suffocate, that couldn't be explained in a rational way, because in that moment I was not thinking rationally but oh god, how I felt it all, I didn't know why, but I knew that the sight of your face would change everything, forever.
I started to believe in what the dreamers call "soulmates" when I crossed the world to run away from you and somehow I ended up in your arms. I knew, I just knew I had found the love of my life too soon in life and I ran, I ran as far as I could because I was afraid and after all these years I still want to run but let me tell you why...I'm a coward, but you already know that, don't you? I've ruined myself just to get away from you, I've used every distraction I could find to replace you, distractions that had traces of you but their names just didn't sound right in my ears like yours did. My whole skin repealed everyone that was not you and so did my whole being as a human. I'm not saying I can't be with anyone but you, but I was not made for ordinary love. I was made to burn in your hands, I was made for the pain of your silence, I was made for your rough words and for the coldness in your voice, I was made for your distant eyes and I was made to be ruined by you, but only you.

"There are some things that we love so overly, that it's better not to have them than to lose them someday". At least that's what I used to say to myself, hoping it would make me miss you less. But it never did.

We are so bad for each other, but why does it feel so right?
Maybe I am crazy for loving you.

I'm trying to find the words to write about you
I don't have an idea of what to say
Because you don't feel real anymore
You feel like a dream I had a few nights ago that was inevitably cut short.
It's so hard to get out how I feel when everything I want to say is stupid and pointless because it never happened.
I have conversations we had, and I have the memories, but I don't have proof these things exist outside my own head.
The you in my memories isn't the same you as today who can't look me in my eye.

The day I met her. Oh god, she looked beautiful under the darkness of the sky.

When I saw her, walking towards me, it was a clear moment of light. It felt like everything I did in life was just catching train after train so I could stop right in front of her in that moment, like if she was that last station on the map.

I remember flashes of her eyes. I remember not being able to look at them for too long because I know if I did, she would see how weak I am for her and I just couldn't let her walk away with the image of my whole body shaking to the thought of having her close.

I remember feeling uncomfortable by anyone touching me. But not you. I remember when she touched my hand, I swear to god, not a single force on earth could've ruined that moment. It felt like my whole skin was rejecting everyone else and just waiting for her.

Sometimes you have this feeling so pure and you just know. From the beggining you always know.

How can I ever move on from meeting the love of my life?

I love waves.
I can touch them but I can't catch them.
Maybe that's why I love them, they are so touchable but so unreachable at the same time.
It's a crazy feeling you get when you love something like that,
something that's not concrete but it's not abstract,
something you can point to but you can't actually see.

Love, love, love.
You are now gone,
but I can still see you here.
I still hold that cold coffee next to me, hoping that I'll make him warm.
I still feel the strong wind in my face, I still can't catch him.
I still feel the freezing water in my body, cold, cold, cold.
I still see your face in the quiet of the nights. Not a face anymore. Just a picture that I reconstruct. I don't know the details anymore. I don't want to know them.
I still feel your words, they are like ink in my skin, I'm still trying to wash them off.
But you know how I love the wrong things.
I love that cold coffee.
I love that strong wind.
I love that freezing water.
I love the quiet of the nights.
I love your words.
I surrender, my love.
I'll always be your prisoner.

It has been too long since I don't write anything.
The words are spinning in my head, day and night, but they don't seem to find the correct order to flow through my hands.

It's 2 am, it's raining and I realize that we, humans, are just like the rain.
There are some cloudy days when only a teardrop or two fall from us and then the sky looks bright again.
Other days are a little more rainy, just enough to form a little puddle in the ground.
But there are days that we create a storm and we crash violently against a wall and there are thunders in our eyes, rivers in our floors, tornadoes in our heads.
In the end it's all about the rain and the conditions of our skies.
We are not humans. We are rain.

Because I was 4 and my first love broke my heart. My breath was never the same since my mother broke me into million pieces.
Because I was 6 and the love of my life left. I watched her die in my arms, couldn't speak for months, never was the same now that she's gone.
Because I was 13 and when my girlfriend hold me in her arms I could only think about the places I don't belong.
Because I was 14 and this girl said to me "You're the love of my life" hoping that I would say it back but I couldn't,
wasn't that person anymore, couldn't bare more lies inside me.
Because I was 14 and this girl said "I love you" but I couldn't say the words, felt like I should keep them for someone,
someone that I wasn't even sure if exists.
Because I was 15 and I fell in love for the first time, finally learnt that love is not selfish, it doesn't take place or time, doesn't demand anything
besides being fed everyday with kind words and beautiful smiles. Finally learnt why I always felt like my words were meant to someone else, finally understood that maybe I wasn't homesick, I was peoplesick, I finally understood what Charles Bukowsky meant when he said "we are all trapped by a singular fate".
Because after all this time that name continues to softly humming in my head. But who's name is it? I still can't hear it. Because she's now gone too and I can't do nothing but miss her. But who is she anyway? Because she will never know how much I love her, because her voice will make me go numb, because her face will still linger after seeing so many others, because no one will unravel me like she will, because sometimes two persons can be a forest and love is a destruction fire. Still, I'll always welcome her home whenever she comes knocking at my door.  If she ever does.
(But who is she?...)
Because I was 15 and I started dating a girl but late at night I always knew that I shouldn't. It's not ok to use people to fill your holes. I found that too early but still it was too late to stop, couldn't hurt anyone anymore. I was always aware, I always knew that people date people they don't love to forget those they love because once you experience love you feel afraid. Love is a powerful thing and most of us run the opposite way because we can't handle being loved.
We are only scared little humans, screaming to the world "come, love me please" but we end up kissing the wrong person goodnight, we end up sleeping with an empty in our chest, we end up living guilty for the rest of our lifes. Why are humans so afraid of love? Why do they accept things just for comfort?
Because I was 15 and I said "It's over", and those words still feel like an echo that runs through my head.
Because I was 15 and I was feeling the girl I loved kissing another person. It still feels like a knife that I can never take back. It still haunts me everytime I lay awake.
Because I am 16 and I blocked all my feelings. I blocked everyone that I don't want to remind. I blocked everything that hurts. And now people ask "what happened to you?", I don't even know the answer anymore.