You left me
  You dumped me
    You threw me away
      You said forever ends today

But i know it was my fault,
  i'm to blame for my soul assault.
You kissed me and then You killed me,
  but it was all because of me

i failed You as a boyfriend
  and a companion
    and a lover
and it forced You to have to hurt me when You didn't want to and break me and take away my present and my future and annihilate any hope for happiness and destroy the most joy i've ever known and how can i ever forgive me?

And now Yur with some other man
  Yur with another man
and i know it's better for You
  cuz he's better than me

but FUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK
i can't do this
and i know it's pathetically horribly shallow and hypocritical because i really really really want You to be happy but it kills me that it isn't US. and i can't understand how You said all those things to me (some on sweaty sheets or anywhere our clothes could come off, some after a few beers or wandering wineries, some nestling into a cuddle on the couch, some just on a random Wednesday evening) and then threw me away like forever was just a use or freeze by date You had accidentally left too long in the salad drawer. and i can't imagine being with someone else when all i think about all day and night is You! and i'm still so insanely in Love with You and i'm still so nervous & excited for every single interaction and seeing You still tingles me me & makes me Love the universe but the pain & depression is somehow worse every day and my stomach is always clenched in knots which mangle & won't untangle and some immense evil entity is always standing on my chest and crushing my still-screaming heart and the pain which is supposed to just be emotional is a physical palpable tangible pounding being who hates me and is extreme and unrelenting and i hate waking up and realizing that i can't see You or touch You or kiss You or share mundane daily activities which to me were miracles or plan another adventure

i don't know how to heal
  & not because the scars i have to peel,
but because the wounds won't cease their screaming
  & will always always always be bleeding

i just want to beg You to change Yur mind and take me back instead of him and plead with You to believe in me and make You explain why he's better than me and why how You stopped Loving & Wanting me and how i went from awesome to worthless so fast and i know it's so shallow of me not to be happy for Yur happy and thankful grateful worshiping the universe for the too short time You let me feel Yur Love but the only reason i don't describe myself as hollow is that i'm filled with Agony, screaming stabbing slicing shredding and never ending never ******* ending it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop

every other emotion & relationship
  was just a kid's crush.
SJH is the SHE who is the ONE

and i'm ****** up
  and freaked out
    and terrified to wake up

i hate waking up

i thought i knew agony,
  since we're such old & intimate friends.
i believed there was nothing new to see
  in her all too personal attacks on me.
i let in the thinking that make amends
  if she should ever again descend.

i naively believed that I was an expert
  in the arena of handling any hurt.
just look & listen at my life & see
  what the **** else you gonna do to me

there was the younger brother confusion
  losing closest sister contusion
when my best friend heroine
  made her best friend ******

we really amplified the ride
  with my sister's suicide.
my first and favorite hero self-died,
  the first necessary piece of me also died

then we enter the cyclone center,
  thrown into the throes
    of torn by tornadoes,
      with a myriad of manglings my mentor

there's a lot of not good enough
  where instead of lust and love
    i was just friend and fluff

and as anyone who knows me knows,
  there are 4 wonderful ones of those
    as petals on my unrequited rose

But i knew nothing of true pain
  and its ever renewing refrain
    which crests and crashes only to crescendo again.
i was an amateur at torture
  about to embark on a timeless tour
    of self-immolation soul forfeiture

a novice at breaking bad the prefect kiss,
  when lips lick the dry ice of anti-paradise,
i am now truly the traveler
  along the lanes of the Love unraveler

an evil-apple eater am i,
  a poison addled corpse am i.
a jester who is merely a fool,
  a loser whose uncool is cruel

the ONE who should never have Loved me
  or had any interest whatsoever in me,
liked me licked me Loved me,
  gave her heart and soul and life and time to me.
whispered and caressed and laughed inside me,
and showed me how to be.
took me inside her Love and smile and life and kiss and body,
  allowed me to Love her sweet wonderful daughter as family.
Dreamed up an activity list that we could add to forever
  and began adventuring it and more together.
Out of my league awesome amazing
  let me do so much more than unrequited gazing.
She smiled at me with her eyes,
  so cool and deep and blue.
She smiled at me within her thighs,
  so hot and sweet and squeeze me true.
the HER in her voice
  left me no choice
but to wish my ears had fingertips
  or i could feel her words with my lips.
Everything i had ever wanted or wished for,
  and a myriad of miracles i never knew of before
were given to me by Milady
  and i sang thanks daily.

but like a limp **** drunk
  i tossed my Love a skunk.
i ****** up and failed the ONE
  and she decided we're done

heaven to hell my sad story,
  not even a stop in purgatory.
just ceaseless screams
  and blood-filled streams
    flooding my agony dreams

heart soul shred
  i thee wed.
and this Agony shall echo until the end of forever
  and then some more forever

Do You Know Crescendo?
If So, What Do You Know?
Will you Tell Me What You've Seen?
Can you Tell Me What It Means?


Hello Mister Man
  doing what you can
Praying for enlightenment
  or perhaps just some excitement
Playing with the magic marbles
  or maybe merely bruised baubles

You've known it all
had it all
yet still sometimes you stall
hesitate to call

blast away from your past
allow yourself a brand new cast
walk talk some suave smoothness
stalk absolute awesomeness

grab the sunrise with your eyes
and stare at the rare glare
grasp the moonrise in your skies
and make it want to make you rise
(and yes I mean between your thighs!)

you're just the whole of your sums
a man whose time has ***!
so ****** what Love you can
catch a match if you can!
find a fondler for your heart
wherever you have to start.

I know memories and nightmares remain
mayhap your soul is scared of its stain
but we all hold those spirits
and it don't help to fear it

best to just watch it and cry
and know you wont know why
then begin to want to win
and start to watch the when!



Do you Know Crescendo?
  Can you Feel the Glow Grow?
Do you Sense the Inspire
  in the Incense Almost on Fire?
Have you Felt the Intense
  From the Moment just Prior?
  


bye bye blue balloon in a bluer sky
whom we watch and all ways wonder why
maybe at the beach where we peer from the pier
or inside memories where emotions rear

people die daily
most matter not to me
and if you tell me true
they're meaningless to you too
(they mean less than little to you too)

and although they have no name
thoughts are just the same
bright and well spoken
turn burnt and broken
the most magical emotional mental dancer
succumbing to age, betrayal or cancer

same as always
gloom zoom
doom bloom
perfume plume
a whom who boom

fabulous fantastic and feverish ******
long ago dichotomies caught me
and it's been so ever since



Do you Know Crescendo?
  Have you Felt Lick BeCum Blow?
Because you need to Know Foreplay
  Before you can Play!
And if you Stay For FivePlay
  THEN You Gone ALL THE WAY!



are you ******' ready to rock?
are you Warp 10 Mr Spock?!
Cuz we're Boldly Going
Where only Crescendo is Knowing!
drum beat sweet
bass in your face
guitar going far
keyboards a sweet sword!

well on the way to wasted
ere the day is even tasted
whatcha gonna do?
what are you going to do?

well, at this minute within infinity,
this minute moment of eternity
all I really want is pizza
mmm, oh yah

And, by the way,
Do You Know Crescendo?
  When the Spun's just Begun
     will you Ride Inside?
When Fast is still Slow
  Breezing towards the Tornado
Will you Float in the Flights
   of Increasing Insights
Until the Spirit that Excites
is Dizzied by the Heights?



Once my guitar was in tune
with the stars and the moon
but a stutter befell my lips
when there did swell an eclipse
And then as if the first dawn
all darkness and doubt was gone!

Sunrise proceeded to Crescendo the skies
soulfire blazing clouds and  kissing my eyes
reaching out from above
  with All We Need Is Love

IT excites marvels and magics me
as much
as it did the first time I felt it
twas instantly so much infinitely more
had I ever even felt before?


That's Noe Crescendo
It's Intellectual Individualism
Emotings Within Emotions
Encircled Within A Warm Wet Circle
And A Beer


You can't just “C'mere” Cashmere
You needs must earn
each and every sideburn
To wear That Hat
You Must Learn Where It's At
Is Your Soul So Full As To Be Soulful?
Does Your Every Move Prove The Groove?
Have You Seen Brian Wilson Smile From A Few Feet Away?
Have You Survived ALL Of The Games Reality May Play?
Do You Want “Tom Petty? and “Wrote A Song With Me”
  to be part of your eulogy?


Do you Get Velvet?
Do You?
I doubt it.
Not yet.
But when the wind wends its way
within the grooves and gusts his guitar may play
Be still
and in the eventual
you will...



Do you know Crescendo?

Can You Relax
  And ******?
Have you ever added a line to a Beer Frenzy?

Have You ever Smelled a Sound
  and Heard as your Head Said
    there's a Lot of Weirdness Goin' Around?


Death drinks deep
   of the dreams you sleep
Dines with blatant assassins
Deigns to act as if he's welcomed in
Drives over the cliff of irony
  and decomposes all of your symphonies.

Life lives in leaps
  of the loves you keep
Lyrics your mostest moments
Listens to all of your “I Meants”
Links all of the lines you've written
  and lingers longingly in every when.

Both spin within the spiral
that is the crux of Crescendo.



Within Crescendo there is some Solo
Some Jimi Sayin' “Hey Joe”
Some Moon & Some Bonzo!

Forever Upon A Time
You Heard THE BEATLES For The First Time
And Instant Complete Understanding Occurred
You Heard
You Heard
Music Mind Body Spirit And Soul
Being The Presence And The Promise Of  Whole
All Is Everything
To Be Is To Always Sing
And as you drank in some Beertles
You Knew Crescendo

She Chose Wrong,
Either in the Beginning
Or at the Ending
Or Both


Either i can't fall asleep,
  the broken too deep
    to allow a long enough cease in the screams
      for my mangled mind to ease into dreams.

Or i can't want to awake,
  mop up more soul blood from the break,
    accept the cruel caress of the reality razor,
      inhale a shriek like the shock of a taser.

Molten affection,
  merely missed direction.
She passed on precious
& picked for me pathetic.

the words we shared, spoken & unspoken, were apparently obviously irrelevant, the emotions Hollywood transparent, the Love only alive inside one side, the caressing was not the coursing of ultimate intimacy, just some stroking, just some *******, the Making Love was merely *******, the cuddle snuggle happy happy joy joy two as one was only not being alone, the together forever hopes plans ideas tingly sparkly promises of the future was really just passing some time, the kisses, hot & wet & as perfect as you can get (sometimes soft & searching, sometimes soooo assertive with their urgency) turns out were just the touching of lips, not the tasting & entwining of hearts & souls. i Loved Everything, more than the combining of every everything ever felt before, and the tasting of the time, the singing of the seconds, the linking from eye-soul-gaze locking, the embraces, the feverishly ******* her anytime anywhere there was the opportunity, the hours sleeping beside her, the ecstasy shower of being inside her, were all ultra-exquisite awesomeness, **** you need to understand, kissing her was incredible to my heart, each & every kiss was passionate & intimate & tingled me to my toes, sometimes curling them, and made me feel completely in tune, like our hearts were sharing the same beats...

Asleep or awake,
  it's all break.
Deep in sleep or newly awoken,
  it's always even more broken.
Either is the same shattered stare,
  **** this forever nightmare...---

Whether you name it Destiny
  when it searches thru the many
and decides if you receive only mini
  or are even allowed to have any
    (is your future already finis?)

Whether you call it Kismet
  as it views what you haven't met yet
and determines who & what you get
  or when you win or lose the bet
    (will your skies be sunrise or sunset?)

Whether you know it as Fate
  while it muses how long you must wait
and deems if you're worthy of its weight
  or decrees your each and every date
    (how well will you rate?)

You will wonder as you wander into its silken mist
  if you head towards a caress kiss or just a fist.
Will it find you a friend
  and a Love which shall never end?
or the knife that carves away your life,
  the noose you're too late to cut loose?

Will it whisper in a whistle only you can hear
  that your hopes are actually fears
    and your dreams are nightmares here?
Or will it tattoo you through & through
  with image-symbols pure-silver true
    gleaming new
      gleaned from all you ever knew?

Will it make your view re-size
  and force you to realize
that part of the heart is in the head
  and when it starts bleeding it's hard to hide
    impossible to hold inside
as the soul-tears escape to sting you dead
  & stain your eternal world red?
Or will it tell you to take a look
  and learn that nothing is a lock?
You can make your own luck,
  you can Make Love & ****.

Will it sing to me, Clint,
  there will always be a WOW moment....

If only You still Loved me
  the sunshine would still sing
    instead of shrilly sting

Our days would be far too sappy,
  making each other far too happy.
Better to **** it to death
  before it could draw another breath.
Why would we want all those years
  helping each other laugh at our fears

If only You had truly Loved me
  then the salvation promising to eternally kiss me
    would not be the damnation forever killing me

Our nights would be shared heartbeats,
  making Love on sweet sweaty sheets.
Best to just strangle that sucker,
  we must mangle that ******.
But what was the miniscule worth
  of sharing this miracle on earth?

If only You had believed in me,
  that I wasn't Joe,
    i was just noe.

Then i could have been good enough,
  could easily have fixed the ****-ups...
And i was soooo ready to too,
  i was excited to push anew
    from that night of February Two

I was supposed to amplify Yur positives,
  help You handle & heal Yur negatives!
**** i failed to remove
  my own scratched grooves...

And then so suddenly i was incapable of breathing,
  i was no longer even remotely being.
Stabbed in the eyes was my soul-seeing,
  thrown away was a Love no longer breathing.

Holy miraculous universe
  suddenly jarred into reverse.
Everything reverts to nothing,
  horrific heart-hurt the only something.

The butterflies born from every single second with You,
  shall forever flutter shudder wounded within my bleeding being...
And i don't noe what they think they want me to do
  or how to convince them to please stop screaming

Sooooo many seeping weeping scars,
  burning novae dead stars.
Just glad it's me who's gone,
  and She can smile on...

I have been beside her
  in joy and love.
Been inside her
  in joy and love.

I have seen straight into her soul,
  stared awe-struck in love a million-fold.
Been sent further than I knew you could go beyond control
  by the sweet succulent scent of her soul
    (it is trails & rivers & bamboo
      & cooking & kissing & always true
      & music & wild wonderful lover
      & absolutely amazing mother
      & blue eyes which made mine bluer
      & spinning fire & adventures
     it is staring into the sun without going blind
     it is the One Love i waited my entire life to find)

i worship and weep at an altar of forever remember
  where we bike and hike and soul-stare-share,
    make love anywhere
                      everywhere
                      sharing a shower
                      or a counter encounter,
    fling frisbees by our beach scenery
      before flinging footballs at a winery,
    toss pebbles at windows
      before she curls my toes,
    clown horn swarm her iphone
      as rock n roll ring tones
        rock n roll my real phone,
    fall asleep holding her
      happier than ever before,
    dream of years of days of seconds with her
      each somehow better than the one before,
    and awaken to the miracle of her
      even happier than ever before!

Then in a dead dream
  never to be our reality
    (aborted before my belief dream
       actually became our forever reality)
i somehow play guitar,
  become Yur miracle musician poet star,
and in a perfectly uncontrollable embrace
  You scream & whisper as You kiss my face,
and as we make each other *** & then some
  and tremble at the power of what we've become
we are dazzled by discussions of the future,
  of our family and activities and Love so pure!

Eventually i wake up
  why?
i hate when i wake up
  cry!

Shannon
  oh Shannon
    my Shannon
the One i waited forever for,
  why did You show me the sacred shore
    only to **** me and leave me bleeding in agonized gore

You are the Love of my life,
  i'll always wish You were my wife!
& with Z-O-E
  we were a family :)

**** You killed US,
  crushed and swept away the dust.
You loved me one day,
  the next You threw me away...

The 3rd day of February
  is when i ceased to be me.
There are sporadic moments
  where i'm almost clint
**** mostly i'm merely a regression
  into deeper darker depression....