If happiness is key
Then what of the door?
A room with no exit
Just walls and a floor

It unlocks many things
Let life give you wings

If life is a blessing
Then why do I hurt?
A life not worth living
It’s but an insult

Cherish all that you feel
With time all will heal

You question your own life
Ignore the given
Play the fool and the child
Even the deaf listen

If time is a constant
Then why’d nights stand still?
Air hangs without motion
Breathe breaths that don’t fill

You’ll find peace in the dark
Listen to your heart

If hearts do have rhythm
Then why’s there no beat?
With eyes frozen open
I am dead asleep

*You questioned your own life
Ignored the given
Played the fool and the child
Even the deaf listen

so breathless
so mistaken, I tell you
you left me breathless
what a mistake, you

I'm always sad now
all I do is whine and cry
even if it's all on my own time

people always ask me what's wrong?
but now I just respond with I'm tired

I feel so broken-down
I just want to leave this town

no one will know that I've been stuck in oblivion for so long

have you ever believed
in something so blindly
so genuinely
that the moment you realize
it isn't true, something inside you
changes forever?
i wanna tell you a story, see
seldom do i ever
go swimming in drinks
deep enough to drown in
but when i do
i speak in tongues
about things that none
of my memories
are allowed to talk about
like that christmas
at the isthmus
where my girlfriend
plucked a conch shell
whiter than gods teeth
out of the sand
held it to her ear
and stopped time
that day she was a shade of blue
the could've made the ocean sick
see, she loved to play jokes
when she held
the sea shell to her ear
she gasped, called my name
and said "i want you to hear this"
i said "yeah, right, everybody knows it's just the same old sea"
she replied "no. not this one. this one is special. listen. theres music in this one"
she handed me the shell
like a promise she couldn't keep
and i held it to my ear
with all the potential
of seeing shore
after being stranded
at sea for years
only to hear
a tired dirge of silence
spill from its emptiness
i guess she didn't know
how desperately
i wanted to hear it too
because ever since
something inside me snapped
now sand pours out
of every post card i open
i hear seagulls
in telephone static
sometimes i have dreams
where i bury my hands
in every beach
i've ever been on
and exhume this graveyard of noise
every time i try to sleep
i spit up fishhooks
and i guess i'm obsessed
but maybe
if i hold my ear
to enough vacant things
then i could have back
the time stolen from me
since it happened
maybe they would get it
if they knew what i wanted
when i blow out birthday candles
maybe they'll find me
face down in a wishing well
i watch eternal sunshine
of the spotless mind every day
pretending i can forget too
because this sea sickness
has followed me for years
because yesterday
i walked into a music shop
and all the pianos broke
but the only thing
i can think to say is
*do you know how bad
a memory has to be
that you fantasize
about forgetting it?

You were the boy at the bus stop
your soft-spoken voice
-so conscious and sweet
you were shy, quiet, and a bit un-easy
something about you caught my attention for more than a brief second
your eyes- bigger than mine
i fell into them so quickly
i didn't know it at the time, but soon you would be mine
everything about being with you just felt so right
i didn't have to worry about anything......
other than how sweaty my hands got when i held yours
because of how incredibly nervous i was every time i saw you
slowly, i started to picture everything that was wrong
it was too good
what we had was so superficial
everything about us just seemed like a sham
we didn't fight or argue
it was always just me trying to make everything feel real
i couldn't focus on who i wanted to be because every single thought i had was about you and me
maybe i thought you could make me genuinely happy
i thought i loved you
i wasn't ready for this
i forced myself into something because i thought it would help me figure out who i need to be
i was unfair to you- i made you fall for me when i just needed to be free
now every time i see you, i look away because i can't bare the thought of seeing you go through anything because of me
i took your innocence- i didn't deserve it
and i, sure as hell, don't deserve you