i used to write my heart out
hoping maybe one day my words would get through
hoping that you would understand the pain you caused
hoping that the words would allow you to see how much you have hurt me
allow you to see the way your words take effect in my mind

i no longer write my heart out
because you broke me past my breaking point
your hurtful words no longer linger around my soul

Tonight of all nights, the thought came back
The thought of possible grief, possible loss, possible regret
Emotions not to be felt by me, but for me.
Tonight of all nights, the thought came back
The thought of concern, heartbreak and hurt
How would I go?
The thoughts of seeing the world from beyond
Would I stick around to watch every heavy emotion unfold?
Would I start over immediately?
A life with completely different outcomes
Different situations that require different answers
Different sets of people that require a different version of me
Tonight of all nights, the thought came back
The thought that was supported by the heaviest of emotions
Carrying the utmost weight on the soul
The thought that was fought to be buried
Tucked away in the back of the mind
Muted by the guilt of an Irish goodbye
Tonight of all nights, the thought came back
Welcomed with roses and champagne
Welcomed with cheers and applauds
As if the thought that was pushed so far to the edge
Is the thought that everyone wanted saved after all
Sighs of relief and tightest of hugs
Tonight of all nights, the thought came back

don't you dare put all the blame on me when i run out of patience
as i sit here, bruised and bloodied, in a war zone you created
it is not my job to validate your conscience, or intentions
when  it seems like every choice you make is immature
and selfish

It was a privilege to love you,
and it was a privilege to let you go.
Both helped shape me into the person I have become.

You said that after all these times, it’s always been me
But yet, I know that if you were placed in a room with all of us
I would not be the one you run to
Would not be the one you glace at first
Would not be the one who catches your eye

You'd look at her
in the blink of an eye

The best thing that's ever happened to me,
cannot and will not
be the thing that tears me down

I hope you never forget how much I love you
never forget how much you mean to me
never forget that I would cut any distance between us if I could
you will always be my everything

No one warns you about how bad it feels
how bad it feels to fall back into your worst habits
how bad it feels to wake up hurting
how bad it feels to witness yourself become the person you swore you'd never be again
how bad it feels to watch the one thing you love slip right through your fingertips
No one told me it would hurt this bad
I want to stop hurting

In my dreams,
our story doesn't play out like this
the chapters are full of love and enchantment

In my dreams,
it's almost as if i can feel your touch
as if i can feel you with me
as if you never really left

In my dreams,
we get our happily ever after
our night at the ball
our romantic carriage ride


i don't think i want to wake up quite yet

I wish nights like these didn’t exist
Nights where my worries and doubts overflow
Nights where all I feel is emptiness and absence
Where I feel like
There isn’t a tomorrow for us
Where isolation wasn’t the option I leaned towards the most
I wish nights like this didn’t exist

I wish I could talk to you about this
I wish I could tell you everything on my mind
Without having you feel like it’s your fault
I wish I could tell you everything’s going to be okay
That I’ll be fine
That we’ll be fine
And this is just a stupid phase for me
But why tell you something, I’m not completely sure of
I wish I could talk to you
Open-mindedly
No holding back
No hesitation

I wish I could tell you
About the nights that keep me up
The reason why I get no sleep anymore
But all that would do is cause worry

I wish I could tell you about the times where I feel terrible
About the days where I feel like I can’t handle us
Where I feel like we won’t survive another week
Where I feel like you’ll just run back to her
Or where I feel like you’ll just get tired of me
I wish I could believe the words you say to me
But how does one trust another, when accostumed to lies?
And maybe the day will come
When I will be able to tell you
That in the back of my mind, I have this planned out
That when I feel like you’ve gotten tired of me
When I feel like you don’t want this anymore
I’ll be the one that lets go
I’ll be the one that says
“I wish you nothing but the best, I love you.”
But maybe that’ll just stay between me, myself and I
Because the thought is too terrible to say aloud

Maybe the day will come
When you tell me that it’s her that you want
That you’re just “confused” on what you’re feeling
That you never meant for this to happen
That you’re sorry things happened this way
And all I will be left to say is
“It’s okay, don’t worry about it, I wish you guys the best”
but maybe that’s just my insecurity speaking
hoping the past doesn’t repeat itself

And I hope the day comes
Where I believe your words
Every “I love you”
Every “I’m sure”
I hope the day comes
Where hearing those words don’t make my heart hurt a bit

I hope the day comes
Where I can give this my all
And be able to call you mine
Without worrying about looking stupid in the end

I wish nights like this didn’t exist
Nights where all I do is make things worse for us
Nights where I make things harder for us
I wish I could say things’ll change
But for someone so accustomed to being left, can you really be that surprised?
I wish things were different
I’m sorry they aren’t