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Mar 2020
I wish nights like these didn’t exist
Nights where my worries and doubts overflow
Nights where all I feel is emptiness and absence
Where I feel like
There isn’t a tomorrow for us
Where isolation wasn’t the option I leaned towards the most
I wish nights like this didn’t exist

I wish I could talk to you about this
I wish I could tell you everything on my mind
Without having you feel like it’s your fault
I wish I could tell you everything’s going to be okay
That I’ll be fine
That we’ll be fine
And this is just a stupid phase for me
But why tell you something, I’m not completely sure of
I wish I could talk to you
Open-mindedly
No holding back
No hesitation

I wish I could tell you
About the nights that keep me up
The reason why I get no sleep anymore
But all that would do is cause worry

I wish I could tell you about the times where I feel terrible
About the days where I feel like I can’t handle us
Where I feel like we won’t survive another week
Where I feel like you’ll just run back to her
Or where I feel like you’ll just get tired of me
I wish I could believe the words you say to me
But how does one trust another, when accostumed to lies?
And maybe the day will come
When I will be able to tell you
That in the back of my mind, I have this planned out
That when I feel like you’ve gotten tired of me
When I feel like you don’t want this anymore
I’ll be the one that lets go
I’ll be the one that says
“I wish you nothing but the best, I love you.”
But maybe that’ll just stay between me, myself and I
Because the thought is too terrible to say aloud

Maybe the day will come
When you tell me that it’s her that you want
That you’re just “confused” on what you’re feeling
That you never meant for this to happen
That you’re sorry things happened this way
And all I will be left to say is
“It’s okay, don’t worry about it, I wish you guys the best”
but maybe that’s just my insecurity speaking
hoping the past doesn’t repeat itself

And I hope the day comes
Where I believe your words
Every “I love you”
Every “I’m sure”
I hope the day comes
Where hearing those words don’t make my heart hurt a bit

I hope the day comes
Where I can give this my all
And be able to call you mine
Without worrying about looking stupid in the end

I wish nights like this didn’t exist
Nights where all I do is make things worse for us
Nights where I make things harder for us
I wish I could say things’ll change
But for someone so accustomed to being left, can you really be that surprised?
I wish things were different
I’m sorry they aren’t
Written by
Michelle  F/Los angeles
(F/Los angeles)   
105
   Mark S
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