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Nicole Hammond May 2015
how many times do I have to say
I miss you until it becomes poetry

how many since it mattered

how do I tell you I haven't let
anyone touch me since you
because as long as your hands
remain the last
you still exist here somehow
how do I tell you that doesn't even
begin to describe it
how do I tell you all the places you
touched me still sing
like a phantom limb

how many days did it take
for your mother to ask about me
if I'm ever coming back again
what happened to me
what happened to us
what did you tell her
and how bad did it hurt to say aloud

how do I tell you even the simplest
things are crippling without you
how breathing is wasteful
when there's no other lips to taste it
how badly my body has pined for
yours again

how cruel must you have been
to make me want like a child
to lead me senseless
to the brink of everything
I ever wanted
to lead me giggling and trembling
touching your face
and to leave me here alone
without a warning
heaven was not heaven when I
entered it alone
all this love I have to give
is shot to hell if I can't give it to you

so how many times
do I have to say I miss you
until it becomes poetry?
because I'll do it
I'll do it and do it until it matters
to you
Nicole Hammond Apr 2015
this is the poetry which has no words
to manifest itself
this is the empty Sunday
to remind me of the last
happy Saturday
and the way only one of them
feels real and it's not the one
you'd want it to be
this is the everything
and the nothing
and I thought I knew what I
was signing up for
but I was wrong
I thought I'd never get the chance
to love you
but I was wrong
the universe gave me my chance
gave me your hands
to touch me once
and everything after felt so right
until it didn't anymore
and then I was left with the skin
that belonged to you
and the way I can't deal with the fact
that this skin still belongs to you
and I miss you with no words
in dry deserts of poetry books
that I know you would love
in the same way that you
couldn't love me
and the way I can't write about this
because you took all the
poetry out of me
because this was the only way
I could make you real
if I could just leave you here
in words and in spaces
I could touch you again
but I can't write about this
and it hurts
and I love you and it hurts
and right now, sitting here,
I am the child I once was
a lifetime ago
crying for the arms that were
supposed to hold me

and it hurts
and it hurts
and it hurts
what do you do when you've given him all the beautiful parts of you? what do you do when it hurts, and you can't even write about how bad it hurts? what do you do when he doesn't even know? what do you do when he kisses you and then never touches you again?
there are sounds, i can hear that much if i pay attention
but that's all i can hear anymore besides your
voice in my head and you breathing is still ****** into my
memory
sometimes, when it gets really cold i can still feel your
warm embrace around me and your heartbeat echoes in my
mind like a tune that never stops playing and
i don't know whose fault it was anymore at
this point all i know is that i miss you
i miss you
and not in the way i thought i would,
i do not miss you with heart-wrenching sobs and
an inability to breathe
i miss you with careless sighs and haunting photo albums
and an inability to live because you had
become such a permanent part of my life that
i didn't even notice you anymore you were like
a fresh inked tattoo that grows old and doesn't fade
until one day you wake up and you
realize it was all temporary
tattoos start to itch and they become a menace,
maybe i was a menace and yet somehow
i can't bring myself to have enough pride to
guard myself up again, i still slip everyday when you say hi
i say hi back and i promised myself that i wouldn't
respond the next time you called but i know
that in the end i will because i can't help it
*i miss you
*hello there,
the angel from my nightmare
the shadow in the background of the morgue,
the unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
we can live like jack and sally if we want
you can always find me,
we'll have halloween on christmas and in the night
we'll wish this never ends,
we'll wish this never ends
i miss you
miss you*
-blink 182 "i miss you"
Nicole Hammond Mar 2015
there is poetry here
there is poetry in my first lost teeth
the 2, front and center,
came out together
one onto the brick walk
of my grandmother's garden
the other,
into the grass never recovered

maybe this is why
I always find myself
driving past that house
there are pieces of me there
I never got back
there are pieces of me there
12 years left behind
maybe this is why
I coughed up mouthfuls of dirt
at your funeral
not exactly finished
if i was a leaf blower i'd wish you were a stationary bike
so we could be forgotten together in an unused garage

i want to be a candlestick holder if you're a dinette set
so we can dance close under the chandelier in the quiet foyer

i'll be an old stained t-shirt if you're a chest of drawers
and i'll slip inside and live in the back of your heart forever

if you're a tennis ball and i'm a chewed up shoe we can
hide from the dog in the dark under the sofa holding hands

but i am only a rooftop
that you won't lay on
you are a thousand stars
out of reach and too beautiful to
acknowledge
me
  Mar 2015 Nicole Hammond
EJ Aghassi
your arms wrapped around
his neck
i want your tender hands
at my throat

these things cause
gravity to befall me
while you, falling,
float and float

my stomach drops
differently today
not to be confused
with the way i drowned
sorrow these past days

that's a rumble all its
own, a problem I'll
address when the only
one that matters
right now is subdued

my stomach hurts
differently today
i don't feel spurned
i don't feel good
& i'm trying to learn
what it is exactly
you're teaching me

the experience does
nothing for me
but leave me empty
hollowed, vulnerable
what is it exactly
you're teaching me?

i know only of the way
that my stomach,
drowned in the sorrows of
past days, drops
a little
differently today
it hurts a little
differently today
and I know I deserve it
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