I cant apologize
those simple words of Im sorry
becomes lead in my body
I feel like its not enough
I tried to prove with my actions
But needed words for attention
What a delayed reaction
I depended on no one
even when I knew I was wrong
Ive got no pride
not in myself for sure
wish someone could hand me the cure
its not a jigsaw puzzle
the lines were black and white
fifty shades of gray made no light
Darkness ensuing
The light at the end of my tunnel
has turned into a ******* funnel
my demesne's been overturned
can't take ownership of mine
when the rights were drained like wine
I ****** up yearly
this is my circle structure
fake epiphanies make up my future

Tracing daybreak by the fingertips,

each shade of the sun trying to burn through me,

leaving behind my silhouette,

leaving behind a memory,

reminiscing days long past,

chasing the moon

Surrounded by everything
yet I sense nothing
Minute by minute, my time's gone by seconds
feeling insecure, waiting for day of reckoning

Grow up and scream at the falsity, the lies
Get down and hide your childhood, your eyes
Increasing the distance of naïveté behind you
Closing in on the darkness within you

Let us not dive into the depths of despair
I couldn't handle this alone, not fair
Open your eyes, I'm not going anywhere
Standing beside you, see and have no fear

When I have nothing to lose,
Then yes, I'm a risk taker
I'm no adrenaline ******
But the high leaves me smiling
For who would take me on?

I'll ask out the guy who's on tour
knowing he has the easy way out
I'll project myself as confident
and needing no one
I'll smile and say I'm okay knowing
you'll just move on

I'll say I did it and no one took me on

For who will take a chance on me

...and see that I'm risking myself

I have everything to lose...
So
no,
I'm no risk-taker at all

I couldn't live
I'm so passive, the moment my true thoughts escape
I mourned them
For knowing that they didn't matter
anyways, won't be heard

Its a familiar structure
The lines so oft spoken, I finally realized why they're afraid
Suicide really has a pattern
It is human to feel, it is human to be out of control
We are our versions of Vulcan
There is a time for logic to rule and suppress our emotions
For the good of the many

Then I see us slowly dwindling
the identity of Us solely embedded in I
I know I'm not saying anything new
What makes me different?

Knowing that this is just a moment in time

I haven't written in a while
The time it takes to swallow your thoughts and let them stew in your belly?
The only thing that'll come out is **** and ****
I'm so tired of being evocatively inspired and not have the words to say what I'm feeling accurately enough
I keep swallowing, swallowing
My words stick in the saliva that hydrates my lips
Cracked every time my tongue can't bathe them
swallow, swallow
till I can't anymore
till I can't fight anymore
then,

A swallow flew over head

Please God, help me get rid of this anger in me
It's swelling, getting larger each time they say something to me
They could be joking,
teasing,
But the punchline, some reason its escaping me

I need to yell, the time and place holds no rationality now

Let it go, the end is coming and I know its gonna be loud