fear controls my life


when i close my eyes
fear hides in the darkness
when i open them
fear hides in plain sight

sometimes, fear takes a vacation
and my world gets happy
and i find myself laughing
like sun after a thunderstorm
like i just won the lottery

but sometimes
fear
is the only emotion i feel
and my whole body
gets dipped in glue
and i can't move
and i can't think
and i can't do anything but shake

but the worst thing about fear is
you can practice for days and months and years
for one day
one competition
and fear can ruin it all

fear broke my heart
fear ruined my dreams

if you throw a plate on the floor
and say
"i'm sorry"
it doesn't become whole again

if you ****** someone
with blood on your hands
and soul
and say
"i'm sorry"
they don't come back from the dead

if you call me a ***
and then say
"i'm sorry, but it's true"
you'd be lying

i've never had a boyfriend
i've never been kissed
i've never held hands with a boy
i've never whispered sweet nothings
into someone's ear

but yes,
i am most definitely a ***.