the leaves fall off the jacarandas and summer ends
between this one and last
i'm not quite sure if I recognise myself.
the passing of time passes me by
and i'm not quite sure at what point
I became not the same person
as the one who spends time making witches potions in the summer sun
with mud and lawn clippings and myself.
i'm not quite sure when i started put myself away
leaving sums of myself out
for days, weeks, years on end
for others to dust off and try out as they will
somehow the world tricked me into thinking
that i'm a bound note-book in a misused part of the library
with no words
waiting for someone to write me so I could come back to life
I momentarily forget that my hands can go in other peoples pockets
as i soak in the afternoon sun
when did I forget that i'm my own best friend
and other people, as bright as they are
are passing comets in my orbit
I never really needed anyone else
I could always play in the summer by myself

there are parts of me that I packed away
to be with you
elements of who i am stored away
a plant unwatered
so I couldn't sprout leaves and grow
i'm sorry that I watered you
and made you think that I didn't need it in return.

every step I take away from you
the better I feel
I'm sorry that a love so deep
burns so cold

we're living and breathing
suckling on any form of nutrient the universe gives out to us
searching for something meaningful
in the unfathomable
we're a copy of a copy of a set of circumstances
that have lead us to our universe somehow existing
continuing to exist
amongst the cosmos
we're all reaching out
for love, fortune,
stardust.

my mums eyes are blue/green
but this is not a war scene
cause it's the two of us
choking when we come down
you spun me around around
it's not new of us

you can't bring us down
you can't bring us down

cause down is where brought ourselves
no mantle pieces on our shelves
every bodies looking through us
my night terrors freak you out
they happen cause i'm filled with doubt
wearing away the glue of us

we sit and stare in silence
working through the part of you
that break us down
that wear us down

i find you sharing little pieces
with anyone who will take them
it's a part of you

the part of me that come out
are the part that are filled with doubt
can i trust you...again?

even if it was a fight
it was a distraction to this
there's aren't any more words
now that you're a limb i've cut off

It's like I hacked off a hobby of mine
your face, your objections
a lot of time..
put into you, with a funnel down your throat

I don't know if i'm mine anymore
I don't belong to you
I belong to the universe now
my rag doll form being pushed and pulled
with the ebb and flow of the every-day norm

if the question is:
how do you heal someone
the problem is:
they won't heal themselves
and it's like throwing myself at a brick wall
when will your time come
to love yourself

I didn't know my first love would be like this
it's not an explosion that's rocked my world
not a tender heart blooming
not even a year long ****-fest
it's trying to wipe tears away when he tells you he's not fit to be with anyone
it's hiding the parts of you that you struggle with
so he doesn't have to carry the burden too
love isn't something for me
love is something for him
it doesn't end, it doesn't falter

I don't explode, I don't yell, I don't scream
I just hurt all the time until the hurt hurts
I don't want to be released from these chains
because i've come to love them
like i've come to love you
weather this is a short time in our long time
or the longest time of our short time together
I know i'll never love like this again
and i know my heart won't break
in tiny shards, piece by piece
for anyone like this again
there will never be this many pieces of me to give out again
loving him isn't kissing in the rain
or sweaty bodies intermingling in the midday sun
it's the nights i've spent facing the wall
choking back tears
because he's said two words to me all night,
again.
loving him is not being loved back
because there's not enough of him for me.

and soon i'll stop missing you so badly
yesterday i forgot how often your shoulder dislocates
and the other day i finally changed my bed sheets
i'm washing my clothes for the first time since we broke up
i'm doing okay
until i'm not doing okay
it's taking all my willpower not to talk to you
because i miss you so badly
that every day when i get home i expect to find you curled up in my bed
but you're not
and we're not
but I still am.

It’s hard i guess, this time in your life. Everything is about being somewhere else and doing other things while your stuck in the same place doing the same thing again and again. It’s hurts; the yearning. The want for something- anything different than these sore joints and weak knees. All these growing pains to boot. I’ve been with Andy for nearly three months, we haven’t said I love you in the words that mean it. We say ‘I like you’ and ‘lets get a dog’, ‘I love your mum’ and ‘how do you want me to *******’ and it starts to ache. My elbows crack before I can fully extend them and every morning when I wake up I have a glass of juice because I know milk will make me ill. They say I need to eat something but i’m full of all the cracking hip joints and dislocating shoulders that I find in every single waking day. I’m full from eating Andrews pain, it’s an every-day thing. His growing pains and mine are like siamese twins. I wake up in the morning, sometimes alone and it’s easier to do my day like that, without the wanting to return to a life where i’m in a place where he wants me to be, but I have to wake up, I have to put my brave face on and crawl through with my creaking ankles and cracking knuckles, all these growing pains building me into the adult that I never wanted to be. I guess I always wanted something better for myself, something different for myself. A lifestyle where the growing pains are still there but they’re stifled by my ever-growing creativity and my lust for life and living. This is what I was handed, to so many people it’s like a bunch of fancy desserts on a silver platter. To me it’s a mask I put on every day, I smile, a ‘thank you’ a ‘good morning’ as in-genuine as every single ‘it was nice to meet you’ at a party where you just had to stifle panic attacks all night. It wasn’t nice to meet you. bad morning. No thank you. I never anticipated it; this is the time in your life where no one around you hears your growing pains nobody hears a symphony because their own ****** racket is beating loud and clear like a drum ensemble in their ears. This is adult-hood, you’re on your own kid.

A million drops of water fall outside my window
it's a summer rain
our skin sticks together but we keep each other close anyway
a million leaves fall when the trees go brown
it's autumn and I realise why it's called fall
socks slide across the tiles in my kitchen
we don't have any heat in the house except the heat from the clothes dryer
we sit by it almost every night so our hands don't get too sore
we spend the first warm day in a while
lying in the sun in my backyard in warm comfortable silence
our mouths filled with cotton wool; thats words we've never said
until the mornings are earlier and the nights are later again
we're together
the world keeps changing around us
I couldn't count the amount of quiet days we've had
on the hands of  10 of our closest friends
there's too many seasons going by
for us to have time to say what we're thinking
too many to say what the under current says
it's throbbing around us
with words we'll never say
but words that we didn't need to say
because we've told each other a million times
in everything but words

you and i in my bed
the sun rises but we dont
for a couple more hours
until the world is ready for us
and visa-versa
.........
our hair smells like sea water
and our hands are dry,
skin salty.
we both smell like my bed
from a day of only looking at each other
and the inside of my bedroom.
I touch your arms and you don't recoil
I can touch any part of you that I want to
and that makes me feel like you're mine.
You grab my throat and kiss my cheek
in the speed that it takes
for me to take one breath and then another.
I've never had a first love, but you;
you could be it.
..................
there are a lot of people
but there is also you and me
everyone else claps their hands
and it’s thunderous
when we shout
the world only sighs
and i settle my hand back down
into your waist
the world buzzes past
and all we can do is watch and wait

on this codeine cocktail
trying to fill another sleepless night
I can hardly type
but I roll a cigarette with ease
how is it
that the things in life i shouldn't be good at; i am
and visa versa

Before every boy touches you he feels the need to say
'I like curvy girls'
and they grab your stomach and your thighs
and all the places you look in the mirror and feel ill
it's not them who has to look at you
when the lights are on
'I like curvy girls'
they probably like skinny girls too
they like an available hole
don't let a boy call you curvy
don't let a boy tell you he likes you
because of something you hate
don't let him bruise you and throw you away
and don't you crawl back to him
because you think he's the only boy who will say those words

let me live in a world
where we're going the same place
and the likes of you
don't scramble over the skeletons
of the dreams that I put to bed

let me live in a world
where you want to touch my skin
like i just want to see you
person to person
in this world we've got

it's all i've got you know
you
you're my biggest achievement
i'm proud of you because I can't be proud of myself

I've left a lot behind you know, and it feels like decades
it's only been a year
but there's parts of myself that i'm not sure I want to share anymore.

I put me on a shelf
behind statues and chipped clay pots
I pretend I want to get out
i'm unhappy where I am
but it's warm here
it's dry here
but my time is running out

lose everything
gain nothing
it's all the same when I feel like this

I don't know if it's because it's almost been a year
but I might be feeling worse than ever
but I can't find pieces to fit together anymore
I want to see you
because you make a lot of the pieces fit
i'm not sure if it's from bending and twisting the pieces
but i'm not so much pieces of a bigger puzzle
i'm more of a speck of dust floating in your universe

I want to tell you how I feel
but i'm not quite sure how I feel
and that's terrifying

**** this hurts
******* hell
I'm so sad
and I don't even have the words to tell you
all I do is choke
because I think you'll think me less for thinking it
please just kiss me
please just **** me
I don't want anything
I want everything
I just want you

You wanna be famous
i'm not sure if I wanna be alive
I see what you've got
when it's not just me and you
I like you better when i've got you
even if it's just between my words
when I want your head between my thighs
your lip between my lips
and your thumb digging the hollow of my throat
you're too shiny for everyone else
you don't smile with your eyes
I'd rather you choke me than kiss another girl
I hope at your wedding night
you'll come running to me and tell me you've always had it wrong
I feel right around you
like i'm bearable and maybe even likeable
but as soon as it goes wrong
I'm breathing hard in the front seat of my car
until my head is spinning
gripping the wheel with white knuckles
I've got you manipulated and I hate it
sorry, it's a gemini thing.
I told you I wasn't in love with you
and I'm not
it's just that my mouth is full of things I can't say
because I can't put how I feel about you into words
it's not any more or less
it's just different
I recognise a look when people have fallen for you
it's part flustered
part heart eyes
and I feel like you see it on every face you meet
it's on mine too but you're reading it wrong
I don't want you to buy me gifts and tell me you love me
I want you to slap me hard and **** me on the floor
I want you to pull my hair and scream my name
I want you to text me 'good morning, thinking about you'
every day
but to not pay attention to me when we go out
until you push me up against the wall and hold my hips until they bruise
at 2am in front of everyone we know
teeth working my lips until they bleed
you wanna be famous
me too
I'm not sure if I wanna be alive
but i'll stick around for you

they say you're terrifying scorpio
I think you're stagnant
and not in the mouldy water way
you're a mountain
always there
looming above

they say you're intense scorpio
and i know you love intensely
and hate intensely
and find nothing in between
you're ongoing
and everything
pulling the world towards you

you're not mine scorpio
and I don't know if I want you to be
but I think we'd work

born with the moon in scorpio I was
and i'm a little bit you
and i'm not sure if it's that
or that i'm a little bit not you
that makes this a fire *******

You're definitely a fire scorpio
even though they say you're water
I'm an air sign
even though I know i'm earth

I guess in another world you'd set fire to me
but in this world I'm only rippling your surface
bubbling up to the top of you
and you can't bother to set me alight

it's okay though
we're a firecracker either way

The only good place to sit at mcdonalds was under the aircon
I got extra ice in my drink before I knew
it's warm outside but freezing inside
lucky I grabbed my jumper
my hands are freezing and i'm alone
every day is a bit like this
different place, different air and different food
but my hands are always freezing
and i'm always alone.

and even though
most days you've made me want to rip the skin right off my face
on a daily basis, tore me apart from the inside
when I see you in that shirt
you know that one, the shirt
I remember what it was like before you picked out my organs and re arranged them, smushed them back into place
when you smile I stupidly feel like it could happen.. you and me
but then i remember that I couldn't even bear to tolerate you
not when you've made me like this
not for another time
not now and not ever
no matter how nice that shirt is and no matter how many smiles you give out
not when the words that dripped out of that filthy mouth poisoned everything
it's debilitating, living knowing the things that you've said
it's also debilitating
knowing that I could never love you nor let you go.

"Suddenly, every song was about you."
-loving you in six words

but it works for people you don't love too
Like the boy who ****** you then didn't text you back, that same boy who called you ugly and fat and gross and all of those words that no one dared to say to you before.

Every song that you sing is about him, any song on every subject, but especially that one
'as long as he needs me' resonated everywhere
in the places on your body that hadn't been touched since he said he thought about you every day.

Even the other boys you kiss in acting class, they're him.
They're him because he's the only boy who never let you kiss him, and not physically, in the way that when you kissed him you knew he felt nothing like every other boy, less feeling than the gay boys you kissed in a game of spin the bottle.

you don't know what you are to him, but you know he's every song and every boy to you.

I feel like I should walk around armed
because your body is a loaded gun
and if it came to a shoot out
I wouldn't survive, I couldn't survive

Your finger is always on the trigger
and I can't find a way to disarm your gun
on the best of days they're salt bullets
that could break my bones

when I was young
I was always told to be respectful
so when a man with a bristly beard rubbed up close to my face
I learned to laugh it off
and call him uncle
when he was no relation to me
he'd act like my body belonged to him
and kiss me on the forehead
i'd squirm
my teeth would grit and I would break into a cold sweat
and i'd laugh along

now I see a man with a bristly beard
on the train on the way home
who calls me darling and says i'm the prettiest girl he's ever seen
a chill runs up my spine
so scared that his bear hands will grab onto me
and drag me away
my teeth grit and I break into a cold sweat

I say thanks while holding back panicked tears and get off at the next station and hope to god he doesn't follow me off

you say you'd rather die then me call an ambulance
but you drank so much baby
so much that I couldn't bare seeing you lying there
dying there
so i picked you up
and tried to carry you there myself
but it was so far
and it's not like you're heavy
you're wafer thin
probably because you don't eat
not a single thing on a week day
I asked if there was anyone I could call instead
and you didn't reply
but i know if you could have you would have said
'don't call an ambulance you promised'
and so I didn't
I didn't even take you to the hospital
I just sat you up and wished for at least a bucket
under the third streetlight from the main road
and when you stopped breathing I had to save your life
this happened twice
right there on the pavement
and I did it to make you happy

when you woke up in the morning, or more like later that day
you thanked me for a great night with a kiss on the cheek
and didn't reply to my text that asked
'you ok babe, text me when you get home safe **'

I wanna be with you on a million different days in a million different ways

I want my sheets, my pillows, my towels and my hair to smell like you

I want to leave your side with your geography memorised,

to the point where if I needed to, I could write flash card upon flash card

about your face, your smile, your thighs, your throat

I don't want you to be my boyfriend

I don't want you to say you love me

I just want you to stay right in that spot,

that spot right above me

rocking into me, you're so funny.

I want to walk around every day with a new mark from your mouth or your hands

on my throat from where you ****** me a gentle apology;

for before when you throttled me so hard I saw stars

when everything went black all I saw was you

and woke up proud of those marks too

I don't want you to be my boyfriend

I don't want you to say you love me

I just want you to stay right in that spot,

that spot right above me

rocking into me, loving me

I don't want to leave my room
because i know if i saw you I would follow you anywhere
I'm trying to make a house out of you
while you've already been made into an apartment complex
I hope your walls tumble down
and there's mould found in the corners and cracks of the kitchen
so you would come to me
so i could build the walls, so high
and sit inside you and not feel like this ever again

it wasn't even a special day when I decided to love you
it was a tuesday and you were at my house
and our legs touched under unwashed sheets
and i imagined that touch
on someone else

i curled my arms tighter around you
and you wheezed
as If me, a boa constrictor
was suffocating you

you didn't kiss my face
or turn to face me
your breath just huffed

and your leg trailed further up mine

and i wondered if you could hear my beating heart
or the beating distance louder

my mouth is filling with bile
every word I speak is a product of the bile filter
putting acid into my words
turning them green, sterile
sour tasting when they leave my tongue
I can only imagine being the person receiving the words
which were changed, almost without my willing them at all.

I can't write a poem
because every time I do
I remember that it's going to end up being about you
it's always about you.

And everything i've ever known is slipping through my ******* fingers
I clutch onto the tail end of every word i've ever said
every sentence is something that is tumbling from my mouth
nothing connecting and dots
but intrinsically linking them, into a web of non sense.

A thought of you plants a seed in my throat
the pesky thing sprouts and grows
becoming something tangible
when I open my mouth
sprouts fall out, shouting your name

and heres me, a single collection of particles in the ocean
it's not like I wanted to be here
It started when I was taken away
tides too strong for me, the pull of such, my bones too weak to contend
I didn't ever wish to breathe my last breath while spluttering sea water from my lungs
I almost wish that someone had found me like this, even planned it in my last moments
to be found floating face down in the ocean
I never planned for fish too hack off chunks of my torso
and carry it in their stomaches
only to be eaten by  sharks, who decayed in time too
and this happened hundreds of times with so many tiny fish
taking parts of me, all of me
until I had nothing left but bones for a period of time
until they wasted away and washed up onto different tides
ones i'd never seen or trod
only to wash up again and again
until I was tiny, a tiny part of the world
more insignificant than I started

every time I sweat
when you're mentioned I have to restrain from asking about you
I wonder if you feel the same way
I wonder if you remember how you use to love me

I hope he doesn't look into your eyes while you're doing it
just like he didn't me
I hope he pulls you apart into little pieces
and puts you on the mantle
and tells you that your hair is wrong or your smile is crooked
I hope he tells you that you're too much
too loud, too mean, too wrong
I hope you crumble into a thousand tiny little pieces
and fall on the floor to get trampled on

I hope he holds you down face first while you're doing it
just like he did me
I hope he puts you back together all wrong
but uses you anyway
shoves himself into every small part of you
until you ache for days and weeks
and I hope you feel it months from now
every ache yanking you farther from his side

I hope he leaves you messages on your phone, when he's feeling lonely
just like he does me
reminds you of the first night where he smothered you
with his fist alone
I hope you're in the shopping centre when you remember
and drop a jar of peanut butter onto the floor
I hope it shatters to pieces
and leaves shards of itself into your foot

I hope he stops when you say no
just like he wouldn't do for me
I hope you don't get bound and chained
with metal chain links
I hope he won't force himself into you, hard
until your eyes water so much tears roll down your cheeks
and gather at the base of your neck.

and i've got chapped lips
which hold you between them
while I light you up
I see the good in everything
while I see the worst in myself
I preen and groom you
to make you everything that I wish you were
the inward breaths are okay
it's out which makes my skin crawl
I pick at my skin until it stops filling with goosebumps
without you the days pass while I wish them away
and with you I wish the days away until I can breathe again
I want to kick you, want to kick the habit
but I want you to always know that I was the one who could love you.

I smell my clean hair
and scrape my fingers down my soft skin.
I miss you, but not as much;
not as much now that i know what is my skin that belonged to you,
and what is my skin,
period.
I make myself clean so I don’t find myself how you left me
***** and alone.
now i’m only the latter.
I’ve scrubbed the dirt from you off my hands, gouged it from behind my fingernails.
What is left is clean, sterile skin;
not without cuts and bruises
from when the grime clung too tight, from when i pried it off with broken nails
sobbing
'get off get out leave me here'

With fingers holding the tail end of a cigarette (or the head end)
I wonder how my Daddy feels, when he imagines killing people who are different to him
cigarette companies make cigarettes
and he generates poison, and ejects it with his words.
His poison existed in my blood and in my soul for years
Mecca, Baghdad, colour, allah; the person, the religion.
I hated them all, with the power that Daddy hates cigarettes and of course the others
What gives him the right to hate all of those things, and tell me what I should and shouldn't hate.
I lift the cigarette up to my mouth and enjoy the thought of my bubble wrap lungs popping
I cough and it's rubbing it in my Daddy's face
While you're scheming dropping bombs, and becoming what you hate
I'm dying, slowly and laughing at the morbid thought
that while your hate won't **** anyone; your crippled manhood.
My hate for you is killing me
inhale, exhale.

I want to build a thousand houses, and separate myself into pieces and have each corresponding piece fit into each house so I’m not one thousand people all at once. I want to have all the things that I’ve wanted and may want in the future. I want to be a million people and live in a million lives, fill each house with who I am, was and will be. I don't want to choose just one, theres more than one me, each of me wanting something different.