And so this is what it is
To want something so badly
I wish it never existed
To want something so badly
It is all that exists

How long will I look for my father's love in the beds of men who smell like him?
What will I do if I find it?

If we fall in love with the people that remind us of our families
I should be in love with dead boys and distant hearts
But I am only in love with myself and everything I could be

I am ashamed for not being as in love as I thought I was
My heart didn't break, I just needed to break the silence again
By running water over my legs like I never opened them
From the waist down I am myself but if you smell my hair
You would find the scent of homes I've been letting myself into
Just to see if the beds are more comfortable than my own
I'm not trying to fall in love I just want to buy more groceries
Hear cutlery clinking while I eat instead of chip bags opening
To take a picture of two bowls for a ******* instagram story
To tell someone I got home safe when I crawl into someone else's bed.

When I was young I saw a bird break it's wings
I took it home with me and slept it with it on my chest
I still wake up and hear it's wings fluttering in my ears
I couldn't fix it, and ever since I've never been enough
I have spent a lifetime trying to fix every broken wing I find
Housed the flightless birds and waited for my redemption
I have weighed my worth against their ability to heal
But my chest is not a nest, nor my bed a sanctuary
And perhaps it is not me that is broken, it is just their wings

I have thought about editing all of my love poems
To write you out of every beautiful moment
Where you inspired my sadness and my joy
But if I make you disappear from all of the imprints
I made of you then I have to let go of the aching
And the craving when my soul howls for you
In the middle of the night knowing you'll hear
Knowing you'll answer and help me write more
Love poems.

I responded to rage
By placing a hand
Inside your thigh
As if my body
Could absorb
Anger and calm you
My entire life
I have used this vessel
As the Ativan
For alcoholic men
What will I do
When it is no longer
Desirable?