I responded to rage
By placing a hand
Inside your thigh
As if my body
Could absorb
Anger and calm you
My entire life
I have used this vessel
As the Ativan
For alcoholic men
What will I do
When it is no longer
Desirable?

Walmart on a Sunday evening
Feels like my brain
At 4 am
Every thought looks well made
Until I hold them
And feel the lack of substance
And then I realize
How many people I let in
That only came for something to do

When you feel like you're being devoured,
Sometimes you're just being led to a better place,
Yes, sometimes it's the belly of the whale
Carrying you back home

I didn't die
Why am I still so angry about that?

I am married to memories of you
Living my life feels like cheating
On the life I had with you still in it

Recognition sparks
Sly and toothy grin crawls upwards
Snaking across stubbled cheeks
Mouth ready to sink into soft flesh
I've tasted this venom before
Reminded of the paralysis
That always strikes
In hotel bathrooms
Why are my puncture wounds
More shameful
Than your sharpened teeth?

The only requirement to be loved in this world
Is to exist.
When a baby is hungry,
Or crying,
Or needs love,
We give them all we can.
They exist.
That's all we ask.
So today, when my stomach growls,
Today, when my heart hurts,
Today, when I need to be held,
I will not look at the tally
On my never ending score card,
And see what I deserve,
Instead,
I will give myself all that I can.
Because I exist.